Ripaway: #1

• Artist: Doctor Lemonmin
• Description: Spirits from the beginning of time, said to have been banished from existence and scattered across dimensions, space, and time, have found a way back into reality, to shred souls, whether they be real or spiritual.
  The ripaway spirits have returned.
  Jean, a teenager with an attitude problem gets caught up in the affairs of the ripaway spirits, among a whole mess of other spirits.
• Date: 08/15/2008
• Tags: ripaway spirits

Some call them vampires, others call them demons or shadows, the ripaway spirits are worse than all these things, the mindless dark beings prey on anything with a soul, slowly dismantling it piece by piece to its core, when they find the heart of the soul, it's deepest fear, love, and hate, they put the knife in, and another ripaway spirit is born.

Jean, an average, rebellious teenager, scowled in her usual manner as she walked to school, her long black hair being made a mess in the wind. Jean was a classic case of existence hating, she thought every aspect of her life was horrible, despite her parents were hard working middle class citizens with a house and no debt. Jean wasn't restricted by rules much, and if she asked for something, she got it in a matter of time. Despite her relatively easy life style, she still never had enough.
On Jean's daily walk to high school, she was never joined by any friends, she didn't really have any, because over the past couple have years she started becoming the unlikable person she really was. Anyone who approached her was considered an annoyance, and pushed them aside. She would be bothered again on this day, but not by any sort of high schooler.
Jean was only slightly annoyed by her life, until someone who looked rather odd, as if not altogether there, was standing on the sidewalk, a few yards away from her, at which she wished she had every gold rush era disease at once. The person in front of her was all dark, black tendrils swirled in and of it's billowy, shadowy body. Jean was only worried for a second before going back to herself.
"Nice special effects, loser." Jean growled, as she walked around the shadowy figure. Jean continued walking to school, but was followed by a small pool of black.
Jean was late to class as usual, first period was biology, she just walked through the door like she didn't care she was late, went to her desk and sat down with her feet propped up on the back of the desk in front of her.
"Jean, dear, you're late again." the biology teacher, Mrs. Gelfry, said.
"Yeah big deal, I might get sent to detention again." Jean replied, rolling her eyes.
"I'm sorry but I must send you to the principal once more."
"Ugh." Jean moaned as she grabbed her backpack and walked away, she made sure to slam the door as hard as possible, and walked very slowly towards the principals office with multiple detours. Jean was almost to the principals office, when one of the lockers rattled violently, the principles office was around the corner, so she decided to have a look, she pulled out the lock picking kit that her parents ignorantly bought her after she asked, without thinking of the all the complaints of stolen items they would get, and began to pick the lock.
After a few minutes, the lock was open, half expecting to find someone crammed inside, she was wrong. A thick tar like substance started pouring out onto the floor, clawed hands started reaching out through the puddle on the floor.
"Who the hell is messing with me today?" Jean whispered while backing away.

To be continued...

Comments

[Phantasmicy]

You have alot of potential, but you have some grammatical and punctual errors that could easily be fixed. No offense, but the whole "vampire" business is getting relatively old. Perhaps you should try something more original? Other than that, I liked it.

[Salvia Foxtail]

Jean doesn't sound average at all; she sounds spoiled and mean. I like it! I think your sentence and paragraph structure need work. The pacing seemed awkward and the whole thing, especially the end, seemed rushed. But you're very good so keep writing!

[mofosplz]

Haha great start. Jean doesn't sound like an annoying typical heroine, she sounds like a description of a typical teenager. >w< Which is great, since you didn't try to give her some cheesy tragic past like so many writers do. I read part 6 first, which was better and showed her attitude more blatantly, but this was still amusing. Would keep reading if this was a book. <3

[Azrah Shalangra]

wonderfull job!

[Darkly_Doomed]

Great job. I really like it. If this were a book, I probably would keep reading. However, there are some gramatical errors.

[CyKa]

I like the story quite a bit actually. You did a very good job describing Jean and making her character feel real. The only thing I could say as critiscim at this point is you are missing words in a few places >.< (Like: in and out of it's billowy body)
Great job smile