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Something about being a vampire has made boys and girls find me very attractive then usual. Is it my pale light brown skin or is it my smile that they want. they always have something sexual to say and i am not up for it. Before i was a vampire i was still a virgin and i will remain that way until this so called beloved i have read so much in vampire books comes along and saves me from this dark grip that the darkness has on me. With me being a day walker and a night walker i am different from the others that i hang out with. And i see that by looking at them with my pale dark black eyes. I see that they have been at this vampire thing way more then i have and i turned into a vampire at the age of 18 when i had no business wondering the streets of my town at night. My parents and i had a fight and i wasnt about to stand there and be cursed at by them and telling me that the reason why they yell is becuase they love me. I knew it was all bullshit when they told me that. I was the middle child and hardly got any attention from my so called parents that were suppose to love all children the same way but i ended up with the short end of the stick and the vampire's name that turned me was Artica. He was a pretty nice vampire and he said that it wouldnt hurt when it happened....
And with that she felt light headed as he sunk his teeth into her neck skin and started sucking the life outta her.
- by darkprincessAlexakai |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 01/31/2009 |
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- Title: THE DARK WOLRD
- Artist: darkprincessAlexakai
- Description: Has being a vampire hard for Alexakai or has she loved it? Ever since she walked out on her parents she has been friends with a vampire for years she has been asking him for her help to calm her nerves.
- Date: 01/31/2009
- Tags: dark wolrd
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Comments (7 Comments)
- Yllindir - 06/18/2009
- Another thing I would like to point out is that your story is pretty typical. Angst-ridden teen, hates parents, different from the others, sexually attractive to almost everyone. There's nothing to set it apart from your typical vampire fanfiction. You should work on those things.
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- Yllindir - 06/18/2009
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Fourthly, perspective. Your story suddenly shifted from the past tense in a first-person point of view, to the present tense in a third-person point of view. - Report As Spam
- Yllindir - 06/18/2009
- Thirdly, I would suggest getting someone to proofread your work, or edit it for you. There are many mistakes in grammar, punctuation etc. All these would make your story a lot more pleasant to read.
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- Yllindir - 06/18/2009
- Secondly, paragraphs are your friend. A larger chunk of words strung together is very intimidating and difficult to read, especially when used in conjunction with point 1, mentioned below.
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- Yllindir - 06/18/2009
- Your writing has potential, but needs a lot of improvement. First, work on your capitalization. There is nothing more irritating than the caps not being used properly.
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- x - - Dying Inside - 04/26/2009
- wow! that was great like make a part 2 plzzz that is so awesome!
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- Cl3v3rRey - 04/25/2009
- Uh nice story?!
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