- I lie in the bed, completely motionless except for the slow and labored rising of my chest. Each breath resisting it's journey into my chest. Stinging the walls of my lungs and clogging my throat. A heavy feeling rises from my chest and becomes an itch in my throat. My body rushes to expel what it perceives to be there. The air shoots from my mouth like a bullet. It tears at my chest and the back of my mouth. So much pain from one little cough. I try to move my arm. The muscles grate against my flesh and bone. I stop trying. My mind feels trapped. The worthless body that holds it lying and hurting. I look at the white sheets of my bed. Some kind nurse was thoughtful enough to raise the head of my bed. I can now observe more than the ceiling of my cramped room. It's fairly sparse. A few chairs for visitors I will never get. A cross on the wall depicting a deity I no longer believe in. A bed side table with a cup of stagnant water and an off white telephone. My mouth is dry. I wish my body could reach the water. Maybe if I could call a nurse. But I don't want to bother them for something so trivial. I can deal with it. My heart pounds slowly in my chest. I feel every beat. Slow. Steady. I know that the moment the disease reaches it and it stops it's slow, steady ticking, I will be no more. I have accepted this. I am tired of walls covered in ugly patterns and empty chairs that remind me of how alone I am. I am ready. I am ready for the disease to take over.
- by WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 06/14/2009 |
- Skip
![](https://graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/arena-images/ic_paper_corner_32x32.gif)
- Title: Sick
- Artist: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
-
Description:
"I lie in the bed, completely motionless except for the slow and labored rising of my chest. Each breath resisting it's journey into my chest. Stinging the walls of my lungs and clogging my throat. A heavy feeling rises from my chest and becomes an itch in my throat."
Please comment, I want harsh criticism so I can make my writing better. - Date: 06/14/2009
- Tags: sick dying hospital disease death
- Report Post
Comments (4 Comments)
- animix17 - 10/08/2009
-
your detail is good, it's sad. but somehow i see hope in your words like, "But i dont want to bother them for something so trivial." it makes it seem like you care about other people even if you are ready to die. like if someone came to visit you and wanted you to live then I bet you wouldn't be so sad.
- Report As Spam
- Alectix - 06/28/2009
- ((AHH!!! I hate when I write over...oO)) ...eyes slowly closed as her heart began to fade. (Add in some onomatopoeia in italics describing how her heart slows.) Then continue on pointing it out, but not focusing on the fact that it's a particular disease killing her. For, your reader should have already guessed that.
- Report As Spam
- Alectix - 06/28/2009
- I'd suggest revising your sentences and punctuation, as there were a few errors my eyes caught. Already it's a deep piece...though you sort of threw me off in the end by directly stating that your main character is dying of a disease. An idea would be just to hint at the fact that she's dying right then and there instead. Such as saying her (I feel like it's a female for some reason?) eyes slowly closed as her heart began to
- Report As Spam
- gab1192 - 06/23/2009
- Depressing but a great journey into the eyes of a person with a terminal illness, the description in it is amazing and your understanding of when to stop describing is perfect. You dont drag it on but at the same time you dont stop abbruptly. It's really good. I wish i could give you some critisism but even the level of wording you use is perfect. Not too hard to understand but not so simplistic i think im reading a childrens book.
- Report As Spam