The killer experiment

• Artist: fable sheppard
• Description: The story is about a man named Luke who is about to die but a mysterious old man finds him and then revives him but when Luke wakes up he is very different he has a need to kill. Luke doesn't remember anything. Who is the old man. Only time will tell.
• Date: 07/13/2009
• Tags: killer experiment

Chapter 1
I was laying on the broken asphalt two bullets in my stomach. I knew it was over, I was going to die. I was bleeding severely and just as I was about to die I saw a shadow approaching me. The shadow turned into a man in his sixties.
“It’s not your time.” He said with a sly grin on his face then I blacked out. The next thing I know is I’m on a table with the man putting something in my brain.
“What’s happening, where am I? Who are you?” I asked in a panic, and then I saw that I was chained to the table.
“I am just improving you. There, you’re finished.” He said with a crazed smile.
I felt something in my body as if it was taking over my brain. My eyes turned red and I had a need to kill. I broke the chains and saw my nails turning into 6 inch claws. I charged at the man, my speed was incredible I slammed into him, and sliced him apart. What did I become?

Too be continued.

Comments

[Zoxa]

In the first sentences, you state that he believes he will die twice. The readers already know that so the second time is unneeded. You could change it to something like, "As my vision was to fade into darkness a shadow approaching me."
"He said with a sly grin on his face then I blacked out." Instead of "Then" I believe "as" would sound better.

He wouldn't be able to tell the man is putting something in his brain but he would only feel pressure and maybe a sharp pain.

I hope I helped (:

[Luna De Fuego Caelum]

I want to know more, keep writing. 5/5

[missy jayj]

PLEASE keep writing i want to know what happens next:]

[cendiond]

Good job....blood in the sand...