• Movie: Yay! I’m here, now let’s have some fun!

    Me: Yes, let’s.

    Music: *is weirdly synthesized*

    Me: What, were they screwing around with Audacity when they made the soundtrack to this?

    Title: I’m “Titanic: The Legend Goes On”!

    Me: Celine Dion just called. She wants her song title back.

    Train: *rolls by*

    Movie: I guess I should start things now?

    Me: Go right ahead.

    Train: *is entered*

    Redheaded Girl Who In No Way Resembles Don Bluth’s Anastasia: *stares gloomily at a picture of a woman in a blue locket*

    Shrewish Foster Mother Who In No Way Resembles Lady Tremaine: “Now don’t forget, my pretties, the purpose of this voyage is husbands. Handsome and wealthy.

    Shrewish Foster Sisters Who In No Way Resemble Anastasia and Drizzelle: *smile in a way that is supposed to be catty but just succeeds as retarded*

    Me: Okay, I’m already starting to regret starting this.

    Movie: Too late.

    Shrewish Foster Mother (Actually named Gertrude): “And don’t just spoil things Angelica! And stop moping over that picture. You’re never going to find your precious mother.”

    Shrewish Foster Sisters (Actually named Hortense and Bernice): “Your precious mother!”

    Me: As a head’s up dear readers, the sisters basically serve as parrots, repeating everyone, including each other.

    Redheaded Girl (Actually named Angelica): “You’re wrong, I will find her. And my father too. I’ll find them both.”

    Me: Of course you will. Considering how this movie employs virtually every movie cliché and stereotype available, it’s kind of inevitable.

    Camera: *goes flying out the window and slowly towards the docks*

    Me: Well this isn’t so bad…

    Seagull’s rear: Hiya!

    Me: … Okay, I did not need to see that.

    Movie: *reaches the docks with no other incident*

    Me: Wow, just three and a half minutes into this thing and I’m getting a headache. Movie, I think you deserve an award.

    Academy Award: NOOOOOO!!!! *runs away crying*

    Me: No, no, not you sweetie! I’m sorry! I meant a Golden Raspberry or something.

    Raspberry: Screw you lady! Even I have standards!

    Period Clown Car: *goes on Go-Cart-like rampage*

    Skunk-Haired Woman Who In No Way Resembles Cruella D’Vill: *uses mook as stepping stone*

    Me: Ouch.

    Skunk-Haired Woman (Actually named Corynthia): “There’s going to be plenty to keep you busy aboard this tub, GET TO WORK YOU LAYABOUTS!”

    Me: Yes, get to work I’M SWITCHING EMOTIONS HALFWAY THROUGH THE LINES!

    Mooks Who In No Way Resemble Jasper And Horace: *get luggage and abuse*

    Me: I’m not getting a good feeling about these three. Oh, and that little rat-dog thingy Corynthia has (yes, she also has a little lap dog which will make a few appearances).

    Mook #1 (Actually named Dirk): “Why do you put up with it Kirk?”

    Mook #2 (Actually named Kirk): : “Why do you, Dirk?”

    Kirk& Dirk: Don’t know. We don’t know!

    Me: Hey, they’re ventriloquists! They both gave that last line without moving their mouths!

    Corynthia: *strolls grandly onto the ship,*

    Hortense and Bernice: *go flying with cartoonish sound effects*

    Gertrude: “Angelica! Pick up that luggage! Get a move on!”

    Me: Why’s she so angry with Angelica? The poor girl didn’t knock the sisters over.

    Evil Orange Cat Which In No Way Resembles Azrael From The Smurfs: *prances to Angelica*

    Angelica: “Geoffrey, what are you…woah!”

    Evil Orange Cat (Actually named Geoffrey): *trips Angelica and has the bag dropped on its head*

    Me: Karma’s a b***h, huh?

    Box W/ Locket: I’m free! Wah ha ha!

    Locket: *escapes*

    Gertrude: “Angelica, you really are hopeless.”

    Me: Well at least she’s not a stereotyp…oh no wait she is. Carry on!

    English Gentleman: “Here you are! Let’s hope it’s a smooth crossing.”

    Box: *is handed to Bernice*

    Me: Now that’s just cold.

    English Gentleman: “My card.”

    Me: Now put it back in the deck and concentrate hard on what was on it. I divide the deck in half, shuffle well, pull one out of the middle, and…you had the Ace of Spades, right? What, you didn’t? Never mind!

    Bernice: “This is yours!”

    Box: Wheee!!! *goes flying past Angelica and onto the ground*

    Family of Stereotypical Yiddish Mice Who In No Way Resemble The Cast Of An American Tail: *comes trotting out*

    Me: Hooooo boy…

    Stereotypical Yiddish Father (Actually named Heinrich): “Now hurry, or all of the best places will be taken.”

    Me: They’re mice for Christ’s sake. How great can “the best places” for them be?

    Stereotypical Yiddish Child Who In No Way Resembles Fivel (Actually named Maxie): *drags sack of what is apparently bowling balls and bricks and appears ridiculously heavy, despite the fact that it is a quarter of his size and shouldn‘t be so hard to drag*

    Stereotypical Yiddish Mother (Actually named Gretchen): “Why you let him bring all of his toys is a big puzzle, Heinrich.”

    Heinrich: “Quit kvetchin’ Gretchen. He promised to carry them all himself.”

    Me: Ha ha, aren’t you so funny.

    Angelica’s Shadow: Duh duh daaaa!

    Maxie: *darts behind box*

    Angelica: *blowing Maxie’s cover in all of two seconds* “Who are you?”

    Gertrude: “Come on Angelica, don’t dawdle!”

    Me: Coming, your Assholiness.

    Bernice: “Look mother, it’s the banker! Jeremy McFlannel!”

    Me: Oh wow, a banker?!? Those are, like, so freaking rare!

    Horribly Stereotypical Frenchman: *looks around*

    Incredibly Large-Breasted Fan Service Girl: *walks past with two Dalmatians That In No Way Resemble Pongo And Perdita From 101 Dalmations*

    Sexy Music: Bow Chick-A Bow Wow!

    Me: I’m betting this was the only thing worth paying admission for.

    Frenchman (Actually named Gaston, what a surprise): “Oh, manifique!”

    Me: Yeah, Gaston has a lot of French words dropped in to prove he’s actually French. Seeing as my knowledge of the French language is pretty much nil, I’m probably going to spell what he says wrong. Just fill in the blanks as best you can. ^^;

    Gaston: *stalks her creepily*

    Large-Breasted Fan Service Girl: *stares him down*

    Gaston: “What a beauty! What a face! What a divine figure!”

    Me: Oh what a guy, that Gaston!

    Locket: *lies on ground innocently*

    Gaston: *steals, examines, bites*

    Me: Wtf? Is he trying to eat that thing?

    English Chap Who In No Way Resembles A Blonde Version Of Cinderella’s Prince: “Toothache, Gaston?”

    Movie: Headache, ZeldaQueen?

    Me: I hate you.

    Gaston: “No, no”, *mutters in French a lot, hides locket*

    Little Annoying Boy: *climbs onto handrail*

    Old Lady Who In No Way Resembles Grandma Who Owns Sylvester And Tweety: “Ernest! Be careful!”

    Me: Don’t worry lady, dying right now will save him the loss of shame of being in this stupid movie.

    Movie: Hey!

    Me: Shut up.

    Old Lady (Actually named Victoria): “Oh, your father’s sacrifice to pay our passage to America…don’t spoil your new clothes!”

    Me: Sacrifice? Did he like, kill a goat to get the tickets? And is Victoria supposed to be the kid’s mother? She seriously looks old enough to be his granny.

    Annoying Boy (Actually named Ernest): *yanked off by English Chap*

    English Chap: “Hang on sonny!”

    Annoying Girl Who Is Ernest’s Sister: “Thank you so much sir! Little nitwit.”

    Me: That’s not a nice thing to call the guy who - Oh you were calling your brother that. Never mind.

    Sweet Grey-Haired Lady: *tries to lift two suitcases with even more trouble than Maxie did*

    Me: What’s in those? Blocks of Stonehenge?

    English Chap: “Need help?”

    Sweet Grey-Haired Lady: “No thank you Master William, I can manage”

    Me: Yes, I can see you lifted those bags a whole two centimeters from the ground.

    English Chap (Actually named William): “Don’t be silly Nanny, let me.”

    Me: Nanny? Isn’t he, like, twenty? You know, legal age to live on one’s own, control one’s own life? Anything like that? Is he such a Mama’s (or Nanny’s) boy that he still needs her?

    Titanic: *gets a grand shot*

    Passengers: *get equally grand shots*

    Me: Holy heck, is that Adolph Hitler in the crowd?

    Camera: *zooms down to what appears to be a small gangplank towards the bottom of the ship.*

    Me: Okay movie, let’s see where you’re going with this…

    Three Geese In Bonnets Who In No Way Resemble Abigail and Amelia From The Aristocats: *cross the gangplank onto the ship*

    Me: … Movie, you’re joking, right?

    Movie: Do I look like I’m joking?

    Various Rodent-Like Creatures Which Were Probably Also Ripped Off: *cross*

    Mouse Family From Before: *crosses*

    Maxie: *struggles with damned sack.

    Heinrich: “So, what have you got in there?”

    Maxie: “Things which might be useful to us all!”

    Me: Didn’t the mother say he had toys in there before? How would those be useful to them all? Ah well, I guess it’s not like they’ll need many useful things. After all, it’s not like the frigging boat’s going to be sinking or anything, ha ha!

    Hillby Squirrel: *starts across*

    Me: Okay movie, now I know you’re joking with us.

    Movie: No I’m not!

    Me: I don’t believe you.

    Crow Which Is Actually A Magpie Which In No Way Resembles Jeremy From Don Bluth’s The Secret Of NIMH: *steals gold hatpin from squirrel and whistles until squirrel leaves*

    Me: Um, why the hell does the hillbilly squirrel have a hatpin? And how does that bird whistle? It doesn’t have lips!

    Movie: He he, I didn’t research this at all!

    Me: I can tell. Btw movie, are you actually trying to get every possible stereotype onto this ship?

    Movie: Yep!

    Me: Well you seem to be missing some Mexicans.

    Three VERY Stereotypical Mexican Mice That In No Way Resemble Speedy Gonzales’s Inbred Cousins: *walk in*

    Me: Son of a b***h!

    Crow/Magpie (Actually named Hector, wtf?): “Ah, what’s with the costumes guys?”

    Lead Mexican Mouse: “We’ve been on tour signor, and cannot wait to get home to Mucha Josa for a decent bowl of chili!”

    Other Mexican Mice: “A decent bowl of chili!”

    Hector: Mind if I join you? I play wicked bongos!”

    Me: I hate you, movie.

    Movie: :’(

    Inside The Ship: *becomes our next setting*

    Gangplank: *is pulled in*

    Man In A Stereotypical Sherlock Holmes Outfit: “Hold it! Hold it please! Hold it, will you? I‘m coming! Be with you in a jiffy!”

    Me: Trust me buddy, if you miss being in this movie you’ll be doing yourself a favor.

    Sherlock Holmes Guy: *leaps onto ship right in front of Captain*

    Captain & Old Woman With Him: *look shocked*

    Me: I don’t blame you guys

    Sherlock Holmes Guy: “Sorry Captain, special detective Sam Bradbury, Sam to my friends, a threat to my enemies!”

    Me: Yeah, you just look so on top of things.

    Old Woman (Actually Named Miss. Vanderplank): “Oh what a relief. I was just telling the Captain how worried I am about my jewelry. But now I feel quite safe at the reception, knowing that your watchful eye is upon them.”

    Me: Yes, I feel so safe knowing that a flamboyantly-dressed detective who just jumped on the ship at the last minute and who I have known for all of two seconds is here to look after my priceless jewelry.

    Sam: *smokes an actual Sherlock Holmes pipe*

    Me: Wow, they’re not even trying to hide their plagiarism now.

    Captain: “Um, Detective Bradbury, Miss Rhoda Vanderplank of New York Society.”

    Sam: “Oh yeah, the Vanderplank copper mines. A pleasure ma’am, a pleasure.”

    Me: I don’t know much about the going rate of copper at the time, so I’ll let it pass that they apparently made a fortune through copper mining. Though it does sound unusually close to how Molly Brown wound up in her own fortune…

    Sam: “Actually, the reason I’m traveling with you is that there’s a notorious gang of thieves aboard which I’m trailing in disguise.”

    Me: Well you’re doing a hell of a job of it so far. I mean, you’re so well disguised I’d be certain you were just an ordinary…detective. Huh. And I love how the Captain never seems to do anything with this information. I mean, detective on board or not, you’d think he’d warn the other officers to keep their eyes open for a group of people trying to rob the other passengers.

    Sam: “And I figured by boarding late, I’d go unnoticed. Right, Captain?”

    Captain: *appears to laugh behind his hand*

    Me: I’m with you there buddy. Seriously, if he boards late doesn’t that draw more attention to himself? This guy’s an idiot. Which is on par for this movie’s cast.

    Movie: Hey!

    Me: You know it’s true.

    Officer: “Sir, ready for sea sir!”

    Captain: “Alright, ahead slow!”

    Officer: “Aye aye sire.”

    Captain: “And go easy pulling out of the harbor, we don’t want to disturb the other liners with our wash.”

    Me: Yeah, I hate when I’m disturbed by other people’s wash. Especially when the dye comes out and stains my white shirts.

    Sam: “See ‘ya later!”

    Miss Vanderplank: “Barbara, Rob, let’s go get unpacked, hmm?”

    Young Boy (Actually Named Rob): Coming.

    Little Girl (Actually Named Barbara): Yes!

    Me: Again, are these kids supposed to be her children? She looks old enough to be a grandmother. Did the director not understand how age ratios usually work between people? On the other hand, she’s called “Miss”, which would of course imply she is unmarried so either she got into some real mischief in her time or they are in fact her grandchildren. I guess since it never comes into play it never matters, so carry on.

    Bridge: Hey, my turn to be the setting! Hurrah!

    First Officer William Murdoch: *gives ship mumbo-jumbo*

    Different Officer: *gives more ship speak*

    Man: *runs across background, somehow growing as he passes*

    Me: *giggle snort* I’m pretty sure that’s their lame attempt to make it clear he’s getting closer. Doesn’t work very well. Actually, it doesn’t work at all.

    Different Officer: “We’re off lads!”

    Horribly Synthesized Music: La la la!

    Crowd Of People: *cheer, wave, throw hats*

    Boiler Workers: *throw coal*

    Boiler Worker Who In No Way Resembles Bruce Wayne: *gets close up*

    Me: Wow, looks like Gotham’s favorite millionaire had pretty humble roots before becoming Batman.

    Coal: *is shoveled*

    Passengers: *wave as the ship takes off*

    Me: Seriously, if you people knew what was good for you, you’d jump ship, get your butts out of this movie, and go be extras in a nice Disney or Don Bluth movie. You might as well get the real thing and there’re way better actors, animators, and budgets. God. Well, the ship’s only just set off and I’m already irritated. Let’s leave off here. Stick around for Titanic: The Legend Goes Spork - Part Deux.