• Prologue
    “Hey Kate” Sammy said beaming,
    “Gosh, I’m guessing you had a good weekend judging by the smile on your face!” Katie replied. She was right though, Sammy had a great weekend! A week before, she’d met this amazing guy called Daniel. He was all she could think about. Sammy told Daniel how she felt and he asked her out on the Sunday! Life couldn’t get any better at the time. Katie was just happy to see her friend so pleased. They we’re so close that they might as well of been sisters! They were always chatting and giggling. They shared everything so naturally Katie knew everything that Sammy knew about Daniel. As Sammy and Daniel grew closer, the two separate duo’s merged into a trio and they spent a lot of time together. Little be known to the three of them that it would be like that for many years to come...
    Sammy
    I’m stood here looking at my reflection in the mirror. I take in my flawless tanned complexion, my high cheek bones and my piercing blue eyes. I look at the tight mahogany curls tumbling around my face. I examine the brilliant white, silk dress sliding over curves. Automatically, my hands raise the tiara and veil and place them on the bed of curls. Where was I a year ago today? As I lift my bouquet of multicoloured roses, I remember...
    ** * **
    As I walked into the kitchen, my handsome boyfriend Daniel greeted me with a cheerful, “Morning Darling” and kissed my forehead. I smiled just as I had done every morning for the last year we had lived together and he had greeted me this way. My eyes skimmed over his body, he was wearing a pair of grey, jersey tracksuit bottoms; his bare, muscular torso was still a little shiny from his morning shower. He handed me a glass of orange juice and grinned at me as he left the kitchen into our bedroom. I sipped my juice, glanced at the clock, 10:00am, and pondered over where we were going. Daniel was taking me out that day but he wouldn’t tell me where. I had a feeling my best friend, practically sister, knew so as a last desperate attempt, I took my phone out of my dressing gown pocket and texted her asking her to tell me. She replied almost instantly, as if she was waiting for my text. All she replied was ‘For goodness sake! Don’t be so impatient! You will find out soon enough, Love ya both x Katie x’. I sighed and put my phone back in my pocket. We had been together for six years so we were celebrating. I had to do something else I felt like I would explode! I went into the bathroom and washed my face and brushed my teeth. Next it was time for clothes. My wardrobe was so full of clothes but I just couldn’t decide what to wear! In the end I settled for my favourite red summer dress with my white pumps and the jewellery set Daniel had bought me for my last birthday. I decided to leave my naturally wavy hair down so I just brushed it. As I went into the kitchen, I paused in the doorway and leant against the door frame. I took in what Daniel was wearing; searching for a clue as to what the day had to offer. It wasn’t much help though, what can you get from jeans and a t-shirt? As childhood sweethearts, we could usually read each other like a book but that day it was difficult, as though the words were blurred.
    The car journey seemed to last an eternity – even though it was probably only half an hour! As we pulled up to a cosy country pub that I instantly recognised, Daniel kissed me and got out of the car. This pub used to be our favourite when Daniel first passed his driving test. The day he passed, he came and picked me up in his dad’s car and brought me here for dinner. As the novelty of the car wore off, our time at this pub grew shorter. As we walked up the driveway, Daniel grasped my hand tightly and I noticed that his palms were sweaty, this was really unusual for Daniel as he was rarely nervous. The tables in the pub were set just as I remembered; pale blue placemats and coasters on a white table cloth with a vase of multicoloured roses. We sat down and I scanned the menu, they still served exactly same dishes as they did when we used to come here. I ordered the same meal as what I used to have and to my surprise, so did Daniel.
    During the meal, Daniel and I chatted away about everything and nothing. Conversation always flowed freely between us and there was never an awkward silence, or a silence of any kind really. For desert we shared strawberries and cream. As the waitress cleared away the plates, Daniel began to speak.
    “Babe there’s... there’s something I want to say,” I nodded slowly, curious now,
    “You know I love you and everything but, well, I can’t do this anymore.” I gasped but he just continued talking, “I can’t pretend that what we have is enough. I want, no, I need more.” His shoulders slumped and I thought he was crying, he slid off the chair and onto his knees. Then one knee. He looked me straight in the eyes as tears spilled over my own. He pulled a small box out of his pocket and started talking again;
    “Life’s like a book, each event is a new chapter. I feel like our first chapter is ending, but I’m really hoping that another is about to begin.” All the time he had been talking tears had been pouring down my own face and his eyes were now wet with tears as well. Everyone in the pub was watching as he nervously asked;
    “Marry me?” He opened the box revealing a stunning dainty gold band with a flower on it made from emeralds. I slid off of my own chair and kissed him,
    “Of course I will!” I blurted through my tears. He slipped the ring on my finger and we embraced passionately. Everybody cheered as we stood up. Daniel put his arm around me and called out to the crowd,
    “Hey everyone! This gorgeous woman has just agreed to be my wife! I love this woman right here in my arms!” And he kissed me again. I couldn’t stop smiling. As he lifted my left hand to his mouth, whispered ‘I love you’ and kissed my engagement ring, the moment was perfect.
    ** * **
    I turn to the side and my eyes rake over my body. They stop at a point that brings back so many memories. I close my eyes and stroke my hand across my flat stomach. I remember why I am here now...
    ** * **
    A few weeks after the proposal I was sat on the toilet seat lid, my thumb was the only thing standing between me and crumbling. It was covering a little window on a stick that could either make or break me. After realising that my period was two weeks late, I had rushed to the chemist and bought a home pregnancy test. When I was younger, my Dad used to say that if you stood on the moon and held your thumb up, the whole Earth and everyone on it would disappear. That’s just what I felt like I was doing; to me my thumb was covering up my world and I was entirely alone. I lifted my thumb. Pregnant. That one word sent a cocktail of emotions through my body. Excitement, happiness, fear, anxiety, worry. I went to stand but the reality hit me and I sank back onto the toilet seat lid. I sat and cried as my hands moved over the new life inside me. The life me and my fiancé had created. I wondered how Daniel would react but I didn’t have long to wait as I heard the front door shut, his keys put on the table and his voice call out my name. It was a sharp pull back to reality. That was it. I was about to tell my husband-to-be that he was also a dad-to-be but I didn’t know what to feel.
    Daniel took one look at the tears still in full flow down my cheeks before he pulled me into his arms and instantly tried to soothe me by stroking my hair.
    “Babe? Hey, shhh, it’s ok. Calm down, what’s wrong?”
    “I... I’m... I...” I stuttered between sobs. Eventually I pulled out of his safe embrace and handed him the pregnancy test. He froze in shock and I panicked;
    “Pregnant? Wow. Pregnant.” He whispered then he looked straight into my eyes, “I’m going to be a dad?” He questioned. I nodded slowly not sure whether it was good or bad news to him. A huge grin spread across his face and he pulled me back close.
    “Babe this is amazing! This is the best month of my life!” He spun me around the room, making me giggle. He released me only to wrap his arms around me from behind and place his hands where I had only moments earlier. I closed my eyes to try and stop the tears from falling. I knew from Daniel’s reaction how I should be feel so why did I feel the opposite?
    The next few days were a whirlwind of ‘congratulations’ and ‘I’m so happy for you’. Nobody ever stopped to ask me whether the bags under my eyes were from morning sickness or lack of sleep over worrying and telling myself to want and love our baby. I was booked in to have my first scan and on the way I tried to tell Daniel how I felt but I just couldn’t bear the thought of taking the smile away that hadn’t left his face.
    “Dan, how much do you really want the baby?” I tried,
    “So much Sam, don’t worry, I couldn’t be happier.” There he went again, assuming I was happy. Could nobody hear my screams? At the scan, Daniel was quizzing the doctor who also assumed that I was as happy as Daniel.
    After the scan, I tried to keep as busy as I could. Daniel put pressure on me to take it easy and relax but if I stopped and sat down, even for just a minute, I thought about my feelings – something I really didn’t want to do. On the outside, I looked just how a mum-to-be should be, but on the inside, my mind was on autopilot, just going through daily routines and not thinking. All I wanted was to want and love my baby.
    About a week after the first scan, a sharp pain pulled me out of sleep. As quick as it came it had passed so I didn’t wake Daniel up. I got out of bed and felt another pain, this time lasting a little longer. I went into the kitchen and stroked my hand over my little bump, just as I had done every morning since I found out about the baby, and waited for the rush of motherly-love everybody was always banging on about. But it never came. I sighed and went into the kitchen and bent to get a glass out of the cupboard. As I went to straighten, a sharp pain tore through my abdomen, so strong that it knocked me off my feet. It didn’t pass.
    “Daniel!” I tried to shout but it came out as a gasp. I felt hot wet tears of pain and panic trickle down my cheeks. Blood started to seep through my pyjama bottoms,
    “Daniel!” I screamed and seconds later I heard him race down stairs. I went faint just as he ran through the kitchen door and gasped as he saw me.
    “Sam? Samantha? Oh god, I’m calling an ambulance, stay with me, I love...” And that was all I heard before the darkness took over and I passed out.
    I came around and didn’t recognise where I was at first. As my eyes came into focus, I realised that I was in hospital. I was alone.
    “Daniel? Daniel? Daniel?” I called out getting louder the more I panicked. He came running into the room.
    “It’s ok babe, I’m here” He came over to the bed and explained that I had lost the baby. I could see that he had been crying as his eyes were all red and puffy. He told me that he loved me and then sat down. The doctor came in and explained that I needed to go into theatre for a minor operation to remove the baby. As the anaesthetic started to work, I gave into the darkness once more.
    This time when I came around, I knew exactly where I was and what had happened. I had the excruciating pain to thank for that. I began to sob and the nurse hurried over and injected me with a dose of what I expect was morphine. They wheeled me to a side-room where Daniel was waiting for me. Daniel and I looked at each other and tears slipped silently down both of our cheeks but for different reasons. Daniel’s were in grief at the loss of our unborn child whereas my reason was that I felt empty.
    Daniel and the nurse helped me into the other hospital bed, which was just as uncomfortable, partly because I was only wearing a thin gown. I felt lonely and cold. I wanted nothing more than for Daniel to hold me and comfort me but I couldn’t bear the thought of his touch on my skin. He reached out to take my hand but I pulled away and rolled over mumbling something about wanting to sleep. Alone in my own mind, I was vulnerable to my feelings and tears slipped silently down my cheeks from under my closed eyelids. Questions and feelings were going round in my head, surrounding me, taking me in circles and sending me dizzy. Eventually I fell into an exhausted sleep but even that was not enough, my thoughts and feelings got through and interrupted my dreams. I awoke to find Daniel in the arm chair deep in sleep. At least my nightmares were only that, nightmares. Daniel hadn’t left me. I knew how much the baby meant to him and that was my main question and worry; now I had lost the baby, would he leave me? I looked at my reflection in the mirror on my bed stand; I had dark circles around my eyes and my hair was limp against my face. I wondered how much longer this endless suffering would last.
    Two days later when I got home, I went into the living room and instantly regretted it. I was surrounded by bouquets of flowers and sympathy cards. It was almost as unbearable as my feelings. My shoulders began to shake as I tried to hold back the sobs but then I broke down and fell into a heap on the floor sobbing.
    “Sammy, I’m sorry I didn’t think,” he sat down and pulled me into him and stroked my hair whilst I sobbed; “That’s it Sam, let it all out.” I don’t know how long we sat like that, him holding me while I cried, but eventually I ran out of tears to cry and my eyes ran dry. My shoulders started to stop shaking and Daniel kissed the top of my head. He took my hand, helped me into bed and then ran me a bath.
    I slid into the water and just sat there for a while with my hands on my stomach. Daniel sat on the toilet seat talking to me whilst I bathed. He let me soak for a while then came over and crouched beside me. He gently started to wash my hair and then he helped me out the bath. He wrapped a towel around me and stood with his arms round me for a few minutes, he kissed my forehead,
    “I’ll be in the bedroom, just shout if you need me,” I nodded, “I love you Sam.” He said gently,
    “I love you to.” I replied as he left the room. I started to get dry but I gave up and just put on the clean pyjamas Daniel had put on the stool with my body still wet. I went into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. I pulled the brush through my hair and half dried it. Daniel just stood by the wardrobe watching me. I got into bed, Daniel waited until I was safely in bed and then got undressed and carefully got into bed next to me.
    “Night Dan.” I mumbled and turned over. I heard him sigh and turn over with his back to me. After an hour or so, he got out of bed and got dressed. He went downstairs so I gave him ten minutes and got out of bed and pulled my dressing gown on. I padded slowly and quietly downstairs. Daniel was in the living room on the phone, I stood by the half closed door, watched and listened.
    “I don’t know what to do. It’s like she’s upset but she barely talks to me. She wouldn’t even face me in bed tonight.” He paused while the person on the other end of the line replied,
    “I know that Katie but I’m in pain to, it was my baby as well.” Another pause,
    “Well I’m sorry if it is harsh, I love her Kate, it was our baby that she lost, I just want her to open up and talk to me.” I felt guilty when I heard him saying this. I couldn’t bear hurting him but I was just so scared he was going to leave me that I couldn’t talk to him about how I was feeling. He would leave me for sure if he knew. I crept back upstairs with tears slipping silently down my cheeks. I curled up in a ball under the covers and wept.
    I woke up suddenly with a pounding head-ache and extremely painful abdomen. I went quietly to the kitchen, got a glass of water and took two of the painkillers the doctor prescribed me. I leant against the work top and sighed.
    “That was a heartfelt sigh Sammy.” Daniel said from the doorway. I turned to face him and saw the baby scan picture in his hand and his puffy red eyes from crying. I walked over to him and he enveloped me in his arms. I didn’t melt into him as I usually did, my body felt rigid and awkward against his.
    The days dragged on and as they did, Daniel and I grew apart. I spent all my time either in bed or on the sofa mindlessly watching the TV whilst Daniel tried to pick up the pieces and carry on with life. As we started to argue about pathetic little things, I felt my fears coming true. I just wanted it to stop but everyone and everything seemed to be moving on without me. I wanted to scream out for it all to wait, for them give me time but I just couldn’t find my voice.
    A week had passed since the miscarriage. It had been a week of arguments and make-ups and we needed milk. I decided that I would venture out to the shops to get some as Daniel deserved his rest and I needed to get out. I walked slowly to the shops, taking in everything I saw. I was taking deep breathes, not only to calm myself but to breathe in the fresh air. I hadn’t realised that the house had been so stuffy. The shop went silent as I walked in, all eyes on me. It was only a small shop but the fridges felt miles away. I walked briskly over to the fridges and I was almost there when my next door neighbour put her hand on my arm. I flinched away as she started to utter the words I did not want to hear;
    “I’m so sorry for your loss...” I walked so fast I was almost running over to the fridges, wrenched the door open and grabbed the milk. All eyes were still on me. I didn’t want this. No condolences, no sympathy. I went back over to the checkout and by the time I got there, I’d had enough.
    “Just leave me alone!” I shouted, “I don’t need your sympathy or a shoulder to cry on because I don’t feel anything!” I dropped the money onto the checkout and ran out of the shop, leaving everyone to continue to stare in silence.
    I burst through the front door, slammed it shut and leant against the cold wood with my eyes closed trying to catch my breath. As the thundering in my ears quietened, I realised that the house was submerged in an eerie awkward silence. I assumed that Daniel would be awake by now so I went to check the bedroom. I was just greeted by an empty room and made bed. I walked from room to room calling out his name but I received no reply except the sound of my own footsteps. The house was empty. I tried calling his mobile but it was switched off. I sat on the sofa and waited. I could of been sat there minutes or hours, I didn’t know. In the end I went and checked his wardrobe. I pulled open the door but there was nothing there. His clothes weren’t there. Daniel wasn’t coming back. He was gone. I’d lost him.
    I opened his draws one by one and they were all empty except one. All that was in there was his plain red t-shirt he had wore the day he proposed. I picked it up, carefully un-folded it and held it close to my body. To anyone else it was just a red t-shirt with a collar and some buttons but to me, it was a treasure trove of memories and the last thing I had of my lost love. I tore off my own t-shirt and pulled on his. It was cold against my skin but I didn’t care. I just wanted to feel close to him. I got into his side of the bed and smelt his pillow. It still smelt of him. I called his mobile over and over, just to listen to his voicemail and hear his voice. I stayed there all day crying, thinking, listening and remembering. I knew that it was over; he hadn’t even left a note to explain...
    ** * **
    I blink back tears. To this very day I can picture his face very clear in my head. As if I have only just left his side. I delve into my bag and carefully take out my gold chain, on it is my dainty gold engagement ring with the emerald flower. I usually always wear it around my neck. I allow myself a few stolen minutes to imagine his face. I close my eyes and see his dark, chocolate coloured skin, his deep brown eyes, his full, soft lips, his stubble, his short black hair... It seems so real, like I can reach out and touch him but it’s just an image. My mind playing tricks on me. I lost him and he isn’t coming back. I wish I would have told him how I felt, it could of changed everything if he knew...
    ** * **
    The morning after Daniel left, I decided to ring Katie. I’d had a few brief conversations with her since the miscarriage but now I needed her more than ever. I had lost Daniel. I couldn’t let my best friend slip away from me to. I dialled her number and waited for her to answer.
    “Hello? Sammy?” Katie said when she answered,
    “Kate? Can you come over please?” I managed to get through the tears that had started to come already.
    “I’ll come straight round chick, put the kettle on, love you.”
    “Love you to.” I replied as I hung up. I went into the kitchen, filled the kettle and switched it on. It was such a normal thing to do but it felt alien for my hands to do it. There was a knock at the door and I answered it to Katie. I burst into tears almost instantly and she wrapped her arms round me, she was crying a little to. It was torture for either one of us to see the other so upset.
    “Let’s have that cup of tea shall we?” She said as she took my hand and led me into my own kitchen. I sat down and she made her tea. She asked me where Daniel was and I told her everything that happened the morning before. By the time I had finished, both of our faces were wet with tears.
    “Sammy? Don’t think I’m intruding or being insensitive but I think you’ve got depression.” Katie explained that I had all the symptoms.
    “So it’s not my fault that I’ve been feeling like this?” I asked,
    “No babe, it’s not. Do you want me to ring the doctors for you?”
    “Only if you promise to come with me.”
    “I promise.” She answered. She went into my living room and rang the doctor.
    “Right Sam, go and have a shower and put some clothes on. You’re appointment is at 12 o’clock and it’s already 10.” I did as I was told.
    When we were sat in the waiting room I tried to ring Daniel again. His phone was still off. When the receptionist called my name, we went into the doctor’s treatment room. I explained to him how I’d been feeling and why I thought I had been feeling it. I explained to him everything that had happened since I read ‘pregnant’ on the test. He listened and told me that I was suffering from depression and prescribed diazepam. Katie drove me straight to the chemist to get my pills. It was such a relief to find out that I would get over this and that it wasn’t my fault. I had still lost Daniel though and that pain just wouldn’t go away...
    ** * **
    The pain of him leaving still hasn’t gone even though I’m over the depression. No amount of pills will ever take that hurt away. Katie spent a lot of time round mine, even when I was over the depression. I am still so grateful for everything she has done. She is my maid of honour. Even if the marriage is to a guy I don’t love. It’s been a year since Daniel proposed. How ironic. I’m getting married on a day that means an awful lot to an ended relationship to a guy I don’t love. I just didn’t have the heart to say no. I know far too well how much it hurts to be left by the one you love. I met Leon on a night out with Katie about three weeks after I’d been diagnosed with depression. I was quite drunk and enjoyed the attention. Leon and Daniel were so alike that I had to stop myself calling him Daniel. We went on quite a few dates and a month after meeting, he moved in. People tried to persuade me to take my time but I just wanted to share the closeness with somebody, the way I had with Daniel and Leon was more than willing to fill his place. After another month, on my birthday, he proposed. The proposal was nothing like Daniel’s, Leon’s was so cheesy...
    ** * **
    I woke up to the smell of bacon cooking. Today was my birthday. I padded downstairs stretching on my way down. I went into the kitchen and there he was. Leon. Don’t forget, Leon, not Daniel. They look more or less identical from behind.
    “Morning babe.” I yawned,
    “Morning birthday girl,” he retorted, “how did you sleep?”
    “Very well thanks, what’s cooking?”
    “Hmm, well you look good enough to eat” He winked at me. That was Leon, always being so cheesy. I used to find it funny, flirtatious and attractive. That was two months ago though. Now, it was just annoying. I giggled just to please him and gave him a quick kiss. He served me a bacon sandwich and went and had a shower while I ate. A side effect of the depression that I was still only just coming out the other side of, I hadn’t eaten much and had lost a lot of weight. Leon was always trying to make me eat lots and put weight on so whenever I could, I’d skip meals. I just wasn’t hungry all the time and this was one of those times when I wasn’t. The bacon went in the bin and the bread out for the birds. It was tradition on birthdays to go out for a family meal in my family. That’s what was happening tonight. I’d have to eat later so I was trying to make myself hungry enough to eat then. I went upstairs and laid on my side of the bed reading. It was one of Daniel’s books that he left behind on the bookshelf.
    Not wanting to cry, I changed tactics and tried to decide what to wear. After Daniel left, Katie and I went shopping. Retail therapy. I had brought so many clothes that I hardly wore. I decided on some low slung, skinny jeans and a plain white vest top with a thick gold belt loose round my hips and my gold flip-flops. It was coming up for autumn but still felt like summer so why not? Now all that was left was jewellery and I knew the perfect thing. I went in my jewellery box and got out a thin gold chain and a load of gold bangles that went half way up my forearms. The whole outfit looked perfect. On my left hand was the ring that never left my finger. It really annoyed Leon. He came into the bedroom just as I was putting the bangles on my arms. Leon wolf whistled and gave me a long, deep kiss. Then he got dressed ready for our family meal. We had to drive all the way to Leicester to my Nan’s house for the weekend so by the time we got there, it wouldn’t leave any time to get ready for the meal. It was a long drive from Norton in Taunton. We had moved out there when Katie did, I didn’t want to lose touch with her and I’d get a fresh start out there. No memories.
    The drive to Leicester felt like it took all of ten minutes. I guess I was just excited about seeing my family again. I neglected them a little since I moved out to Taunton. I felt guilty but I just needed to start a fresh. They understood but it still didn’t stop it hurting when they went a week or so without hearing from me. I’d been there a month or so and they were still getting used to it. I only called them twice the first month I lived there and they never saw my house. When we got to my Nan’s, they started fussing over me instantly. Everyone was waiting until we were at the restaurant to give my cards and presents. We had a cup of tea and my Nan, my mum’s mum, took me down the garden to show me what they had done with it since I’d last been there. She asked how I was coping. She was the only family member that knew about the depression. I told her that I thought I was coming out the other side now and I was only going to be on the pills for another week according to the doctor. It was such a relief seeing her reassuring face that I felt like I didn’t need the pills. When we went back down to the house, Matt and Leon stopped talking as soon as we walked in.
    “What are you two talking about that we aren’t allowed to hear?” My Nan laughed.
    “Secret guy stuff” Matt replied tapping the side of his nose. Trust him to turn my Nan and mine’s old saying against us! We just lounged around for half hour and then it was time to head to the restaurant.
    We went to the same restaurant every time and sat at the same table. We waited for the rest of the family to get there. When they did, we ordered and everyone started to hand me cards and presents. I got all sorts! Perfume, jewellery, money, gift cards. It was quite exciting. However, something wasn’t quite right. Every time there was a pause in between conversations, people would glance at Leon. Most of them had already met him so I didn’t see what the fuss was about. After the meal, Leon started to propose a toast. He stood up and started speaking;
    “Well, today is a really special day. It’s my gorgeous girlfriend’s birthday and I wanted to get her something really special. I tried to think of something that would be just as beautiful but thought of nothing. I couldn’t think of anything more organised, not even a PDA! I couldn’t find anything as special either. So there I was wondering what to do when I thought of the perfect thing.” He turned to look at me and everyone smiled. My stomach dropped to the floor and I started to panic.
    “Please tell me he isn’t going to do what I think he is” I thought to myself. He dropped onto one knee.
    “Yep he is.” I answered in my head.
    “Samantha Jane Latham. Please tell me I didn’t just embarrass myself and say you will marry me.” He looked up at me so hopeful, his eyes pleading. I gulped and looked at all the expectant faces looking at me. I nodded slowly and he burst into tears, a smile erupting over his face. He took Daniel’s engagement ring off of my finger and replaced it with his own that he had brought. At least Daniel put some thought into everything. The day, the ring, even the way he asked. Leon just went for the typical gold band with a diamond on it. Why oh why couldn’t I have just said no...
    ** * **
    I look at the engagement ring on my finger. The whole day was just so corny, from start to finish. Everyone was so happy that I’d said yes. The whole room was buzzing. Except for me. I still wasn’t now. My family were more happy about this wedding than I was. It is like a dream wedding. I have everything I wanted since I were a little girl, all except the man I love. I’m snapped out of my trance by a gentle knocking on the door. I drop the chain back into my handbag just as my mum came in the door.
    “Oh Sammy, you look so beautiful, you really do.” She says, her eyes welling up with tears. At her kind words, the tears I’ve been holding back all day escape down my cheeks.
    “Don’t worry love, he’s out there, in fact he is worried that you aren’t here!” She tells me chuckling.
    “It’s not that mum. It’s all happening so fast.” I reply. Her eyes flicker to my bag and she notices the end of the chain and the ring dangling out of my bag and she hugs me.
    “I’m so sorry sweetie, I forgot. It was a year ago today that he proposed wasn’t it?” I know mum’s only trying to comfort me but she’s making me feel worse. I nod my head and pull away,
    “I still love him mum. I love Daniel.” I sob, “Why can’t it be him waiting at the altar? Why did he leave me? Why won’t this pain stop?”
    “I know you will do what you think is right.” She says and then leaves me to repair my make-up. As I wipe away the tear stains from my cheeks, I flashback to Daniel’s proposal and smile. I re-apply my mascara and remember Leon’s proposal. They were the polar opposites; Daniel’s was romantic and thoughtful whereas Leon’s was corny. With Daniel’s proposal ringing in my ears, I realise what I should do. I grab one last thing and drop it where it can’t be seen then leave the room. I open the door and I’m greeted by gasps from my three bridesmaids and my maid of honour. Hannah and Jess, my two best friends, looked at me proudly with watery eyes and Phoebe, my little sister was making her way slowly towards me looking awestruck. When she reached me, she threw her arms round my waist and told me I looked beautiful.
    “So do you little sis.” I smiled at her, “All of you bridesmaids and you Katie come here so I can see you.” My four, beautiful girls lined up in front of me. Phoebe smiling at me, I know she loves her dress. She looks so beautiful in her lilac, knee length dress with a big skirt. It looks quite like a ballerina dress, especially as she is also wearing lilac ballet slippers. Her hair is in a plaited bun. Hannah and Jess are wearing matching lilac, off the shoulder, floor length dresses with a-line skirts. Their hair is in a bouffant with a French roll. They are wearing white heels. Katie looks the most stunning by far. As my maid of honour, her dress is different from the rest. Her dress is also lilac but the bodice is fitted and the skirt is slightly bigger than Jess and Hannah’s. Her hair is in a bouffant but the rest of her long hair is in one loose curl over her right shoulder. All my girls have a corsage of four white lilies.
    “Beautiful.” I say and we all hug.
    The plan is that Leon will wait for me and my three bridesmaids will enter first. We are meant to walk down the aisle to ‘When you tell me that you love me’ by Diana Ross. When the bridesmaids are almost down the aisle Katie will follow and when she is half way, I, on the arm of my step-dad, Steve, will start to walk down the aisle. We all get ready. I hear the music start up and take a deep breath. The bridesmaids start to walk down and then it’s Katie’s turn, she kisses my cheek and then starts to walk down, a tearful smile on her face. My insides somersault as she reaches halfway. My mind goes into overdrive of Daniel. My legs won’t move and I look down at Leon but only see Daniel. Steve tugs on my arm and we start to walk down. Leon has that tearful smile you get when everything is perfect, and it is to him but I just can’t feel the same. I am only perfect when I am with Daniel. I stop walking and my Dad tugs on my arm again. I shake my head and mouth ‘I’m so sorry’ to Leon. I turn and start to run back up the aisle with Leon running after me and calling my name. His shouts land on deaf ears as all I can think about is getting to the car before he reaches me and I have to explain why I am leaving him at the altar.
    I wrench the car door open and climb in, I’m fighting tears as I see Leon burst through the door and drop onto his knees in tears as I pull away in the car that was meant to take us to the wedding reception. I drive until I see a car park. I pull over and take some deep breaths in an attempt to calm my racing pulse and stop the urge to cry. I sit there for a few moments and then pull away again and drive to the place my heart desires.
    I pull up outside the house and sit looking at it for a few minutes. I know they still live here because Daniel and his dad’s cars are outside. I switch off the engine and take a deep breath. I open the car door and collect my thoughts. I lock my car and think of what I will say. I walk to his front door and try to stop my hands shaking. I knock on the door and his mum answers. Her eyes widen in shock as she looks me over. Her face softens and she steps aside allowing me into the house where I spent so much of my childhood laughing and enjoying myself with my love. I remember how happy she was when we told her that Daniel and I were engaged.
    “Daniel, you have a visitor.” She calls to her son who I can only assume is in the living room.
    “I don’t want to see anyone.” Comes a tearful sounding reply. My feet slowly head towards the door.
    “You will this one.” She replies as I start to open the door. I freeze and start to back out. I feel a reassuring hand on my shoulder and I take a deep breath. I continue into the room and at the sound of my heels he looks up.
    “Hello Beautiful.” I say as he stands and makes his way towards me. His eyes look sunken and his face sallow. The warmth from his eyes have long since disappeared and his cheeks are tear stained. He looks like he hasn’t shaven in weeks but I don’t care. I take a step towards him.
    “I was meant to be getting married today but I couldn’t do it.” He stops walking and looks at me, his eyes raking over my body, “All I could think of was you” I continue, “It’s not meant to be this way is it? It’s not really over for us?” I ask, almost pleading with him. He reaches me and looks at me for a minute.
    “I don’t know if I ever told you, but I really should of. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met and I love you.” He says as I begin to cry. He kisses me and holds me close.
    “I am so sorry that I walked out on you. I hate myself for doing that to you. Katie told me what happened to you after and I hate myself for it. Please forgive me Sammy?” He cries,
    “But Daniel, I never stopped loving you and wanted you back every day since, of course I forgive you! I love you!” I cry happily. We embrace again. I pull away and take out my chain with the engagement ring on it.
    “You kept it?” He asks shocked,
    “Of course I did, I love it like I love you and always dreamt of the day I would be back in your arms.” He takes the ring from me, drops onto one knee and looks up at me.
    “Sammy, I’ve been a fool in letting you go once, I promise I will not be so stupid ever again. I love you more than anything and regret walking out on you more than anything. I love you Samantha Latham, will you marry me?” He says through happy tears.
    “Yes! Of course!” I say without hesitation as he pulls off Leon’s engagement ring and slips on the engagement ring from him. I drop to my knees and kiss him.
    “You make a beautiful bride babe!” He says, “I can’t believe I messed it up with you.” I kiss him and again, the moment is perfect.