part two of tears poem

• Artist: drop deadly night shade
• Description: second part of tears
• Date: 07/21/2010
• Tags: part tears poem

I hate our fights,
I hate the lies,
I hate that when something’s true,
and it’s always denied.

You say your a ******** up,
just a worthless freak,
I don’t know why you say it,
cause your none of that to me.

You everything I want to be,
perfect...smart...funny,
whenever i'm with you I smile,
so please don’t leave me.

If you stay it can change,
I can change,
I’ll do whatever it takes to please you,
anything for you, baby.

But please help me stop this crying,
stop this bleeding,
stop this dying,
stop this pleading.

Just come back,
and tell me you'll stay,
I know i’m not anywhere near perfect,
and i’m sorry...

Comments

[Yureiaa Hearts]

Decent, but the flow of your poem breaks up a little. You add extra, almost fill-in words that don't need to be there, and would definitely be better without. i.e. "I hate that when something's true; AND it's always denied." With that extra 'and,' it sounds like you're straddling two different tenses. Take out that 'and', and things should flow much nicer.