Welcome to Gaia! ::

Sonora noticed Jonah pinch the bridge of his nose a little in frustration. She didn’t really want to talk about this now either, she thought, as she scoot over and threw her own blanket at him playfully in return. She’d rather go back to pretending the strange heavy feelings didn’t exist and talk about…Astronomy or something. Yesterday’s study on comets had been pretty interesting? Or Professor Drage’s lecture last Monday about inanimate object conjuration was fascinating and she was still itching to try it again before next week—why couldn’t they talk about that? But as soon as she had opened her notebook to offer as much, Jonah had plucked the notebook away and Sona resigned herself to thinking this through properly.

”You. You’re distracting,” Sona mumbled in a small voice. She cleared her throat and smoothed Jonah’s blanket over both of their laps with a sigh. At least it was Jonah. She would ramble and he would parse through what was going on. And in a few minutes, there would be somethign to smile about. And a hug. She could use a hug. ”It’s not Kam. Um. Where do I start. I know it’s okay to space out every so often. But it’s not spacing out. I just… I notice things about people other than what I’m supposed to be thinking about. Like we’re supposed to be thinking about potions but here I am noticing that Iggy’s wearing the sweatshirt you were wearing yesterday or something. And forget mixing up valerian sprigs and roots, what's upsetting is noticing that in the first place feels…”

She couldn’t say heavy. That didn’t make sense. And she didn’t want Jonah to think it was just him— Actually, was it just him? Maybe she could be vague. “It feels strange,” she decided. "It feels...bad, somehow, to notice these things in general. And while all feelings are okay, but not all behaviors are, and I don’t want to be noticing these things."

Because they hurt to notice. Each noticed thing felt like a small weight, wrapped around her stomach, or her lungs, or her heart. But it wasn't a medical problem.

"Anyways, it feels extra weird, extra bad around Kam because he’s my boyfriend. Aren’t I supposed to be noticing things about that about him? Like, if his hair’s mussed or his tie’s crooked. But Kam generally looks flawless, so instead I guess I end up noticing things like…”

Like how light your laughter is when you and Iggy are studying. Like how your fingers curl together when you hold hands.

“I think it’s something to do with group things,” she theorized quickly. “Maybe I just like working in very small groups of two or something.”

Sonora thought she was much better at being around groups— she liked everyone in their friend group at least, and genuinely cared about all of them— but recently, sometimes, she found herself wishing for first or second year when it was just Jonah and her studying late into the evening in the Ravenclaw Common Room. She’d be half asleep when he thought of a new idea to chase and of course he couldn’t let it go. And when she woke up with the sun the next morning, she’d have his sweater over her shoulders and he’d be sprawled on the couch with something entirely unrelated to what they’d started out studying. They’d huddle off to class with Sona summarizing key points for the class, and she’d be rewarded after class by the adventure of a discussion on what he’d looked over the night. And it had worked. More importantly, ”Everything back in our first and second year had felt like sunshine and clear skies. It just… doesn’t anymore.” She looked up. “It's more confusing now. Except moments like these. This feels like us still.” She rubbed Jonah’s blanket between her fingers, admiring the quality of the croquet. This was nice.

“And a few others. It feels...well not the same with Vespera now, but after we talked last year, it’s okay. It’s a lot more serious, especially if we’re talking healing insights, but we still have whimsical moments like when I diagnosed Ves with adorable and she sent Lyra after me.” Those moments were different, but they were still bright, like the ideal hiking weather, cloud-watching weather, swimming weather. Different, but wonderful in a different way.

“Mostly when I feel all upset and uck, I go to Kam. There’s just something about studying with Kam that usually drowns out everything else. It's amazing.” They could get through a concise summary of what was going on that week in every one of both their classes in a short half-hour morning walk, or they could spend an entire weekend poring over a single line of an Ancient Runes translation, turning each part of each word over like they were examining every barb of a feather. He was her morning, strolling around campus, swapping last night’s silly dreams or trying to put the ineffable into words. They could spend an afternoon making study guides or flash cards or quiz questions, or spend it gushing over a single fight scene in a novel. Every moment was fun and meaningful. “And when it’s just the two of us, I feel like I’m back at home—like the cabin home, curled up by the fire, laughing as my parents tease each other’s dance moves.”

Sona smiled, her head turning to the side a little, wondering if that made sense. It was a very specific feeling to be reminded of.

"Group things somehow make everything different. It feels...slower, like I have to listen and watch everything, and I always feel like I'm missing some insight or nuance." And then she’d get distracted by something she never really thought about, like the way Jonah and Iggy sat next to each other and seemed to…share a mutual space. Or the way Jonah's eyes seemed to sparkle when he talked about hippogryffs. Why was it always Jonah? She guessed she didn’t really notice that Aeryn was wearing glasses for the last few days. Aeryn looked pretty anyways, despite her protests.

"Maybe it's just you," she mumbled again. Sona had always been closer to Jonah than to anyone else—but that was just because they were best friends since first year. She liked him in a different way than everyone else? That didn’t say much. She liked Kam in a different way than she liked anyone else. For goodness sake she liked Aeryn in a different way—in a very different way— than she liked anyone else.

“So what’s my diagnosis?” She asked with a sigh of relief. At least it was off her shoulders now. “Something about group things? Growing pains? Am I just a bad girlfriend for paying more attention to other people when I'm around him?”

Sonora startled, confused, when Jonah asked if she liked Iggy, then relaxed into a smile when she realized he was teasing. She reached for her notebook to throw at him only to remember he had taken it and instead just threw him a grin before continuing. She could never want her friend’s boyfriend— she would never. She’d stop herself before she did...right?

She was relieved he felt the same way about how something had definitely changed though. That was a comfort.

When Jonah put his arm around her shoulders, Sona melted into his side without really thinking about it, settling one arm around his back. There was something familiar about this that made her relax as she continued to ramble. She snuggled close when she talked about home, and it wasn’t until then that she realized she was talking about Kam while literally wrapped in another boy’s arms. That should have made her pull away, but…. it was okay if it was Jonah, right? It was impossible to stay nervous or stressed or upset around him. Nothing could be wrong but…. what was it about Jonah?

Sona finally looked up when he tucked her hair behind her ear. There was a tiny bird in her chest that fluttered the slightest when his hand lingered. She killed it. Jonah said and did disarmingly sweet things to…well, to anyone. This wasn’t just Iggy, and it definitely wasn’t just her. But for a moment her world was just watching his expression as he put words to thoughts. He seemed confused and thoughtful of course, but there was a glimmer there that made her worry. Something...that made her shift to hug him tightly before pulling away again when he spoke.

He started with a joke about pursuing a doctorate, and his chuckle put a tentative smile on her face. Whatever Jonah had gotten out of this messy braindump was sure to make things okay again. Her eyes betrayed her disappointment when he admitted to not understanding what she saw in Kam. Of course she wanted to make Kam happy. Kam spared no effort in making her happy--wasn’t it only natural for her to do her best in return? ”Why...” she repeated softly. ”Because Kam’s been an amazing friend and boyfriend. He’s been unbelievably kind and brilliant and--” she stopped when Jonah squeezed her hands and told her she was those things. And then the growing pains joke--that got a giggle out of her: ”Hey! You were the small one until a few summers ago!”

She sat smiling up at Jonah, holding his hands across the blanket as he told her to think about that it meant to her. What did it mean to her to be distracted? She’d gotten exasperated at herself when she got distracted studying or reading or anything, sure, but this time was unusually upsetting. She guessed it really didn’t matter that she was distracted. ...What did it mean that her distractions were always Jonah? Why was it always Jonah? He was her best friend, her closest friend, who had been there with her through the stress of third year; they'd had each other's backs against Lock, and he always found her with a hug that set everything right when she felt like breaking apart. Nothing could be wrong for long when she was with Jonah.

”Oh.”

It finally struck her why every time she’d thought to put words to her feelings, she felt like there were warning flags, fear and heavy resignation. The bird was fluttering its little vocal cords now, and she wished she could silence it again. But she’d tried killing it and it just quieted, until the next time something happened. Every distraction was its resurrection. The dark, heavy feeling— guilt because she liked Jonah even if she was happy for him and Iggy. The grimy, upsetting feeling — guilt she liked Jonah the way she should like Kam.

It was always Jonah.