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I despise my mind. Art is my life. To bring concepts into this world. I sit in the scorpion chair I've made, writing this entry. I look to my walls, works of fantasy adorning them. Fantasy indeed, for what is a concept but a synonym for fantasy, an idea beyond reality. I had originally thought I would pursue art to bring greater visual value to the world. Instead I'm trapped in my own world, with my own creations still floating in my head. Some will make it onto paper, though not nearly in their full glory. Epic stories surpassing anything I've ever read or watched. Characters and interactions to run the gambit of emotions on a wild rollercoaster. But the best I could ever hope to accomplish would be to bring the concepts into this world. And as concepts they would remain, mere fantasies depicted by a medium other than reality. And it is the fact that these concepts surpass reality that saddens me so. I just finished watching Kanon 2006 in one sitting. It's a love story, a story that could never occur in reality. The anime characters, designed to be cuter than anything a human female can achieve in real life, to be able to depict emotions much more vividly than a real human could ever do. The tragedies dealing with the supernatural, and the tiny chance occurences happening all too often. A miraculous recovery from a lifelong illness. Awakening from a 7 year coma. By chance being rescued in the woods by a friend from long ago. Even if in reality these things did occur that often, then they wouldn't be as special, and the romance wouldn't be as beautiful. It's beyond grasp. In the next millenia a device may be made to put you into a hallucination to believe such miraculous events are occuring. But even still, til the ends of time, it would be nothing more than a lie. But then you have the paradox...that perception is reality. If the device could fool all your senses, all your logic, your entire being...would it be considered real? A truth instead of a dream? If the illusion could go on forever would it matter? But then you step into the realm of The Matrix, a story that depicts just what I've said, an illusion, fully believed...how could you ever choose...between the truth and sorrow...or the lie and joy? My entire being...in this existance, be it real or not, is a journey to be happy. To be rich to obtain conveniences. To live long so that I may obtain more happiness. To love...to be loved. To change things so that others may be happy. But this journey...there is no limit to the happiness you could obtain, but that also means there is no success...you can never "win" at life.

These problems, they plague my mind so ravenously, so agonizingly. My only defense is to fool myself to believe there is a reason. I'll be as happy as I can...and die, and dare not think about death. I am partly insane...I have severe anxiety problems. To be in the presence of others existance...my brain can't fathom it. Being a center, with a reality around me, it's a mental safety blanket to me. Being alone puts me at ease. To be in the presence of other points of view...entirely different realities to my own...my nerves get shocked, in severe panic attacks body parts can go numb. This problem conflicts with my desire to help people...and to be loved in particular.

My intelligence...my yearning to understand things...my philosophies. Things I decided to devote my life to will be my demise, be it socially or mentally.