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366 Stupidest Things Ever Said (thru March 11) |
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The 366 Stupidest Things Ever Said 2008
There is a calendar out on the market with this title, so I thought it would be fun to post everything in the calendar in this entry. A new one will be added every day.
January 1: Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield
"I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started."
January 2: Actual country song titles
~ "She Made Toothpicks Out of the Timber of My Heart"
~"Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye"
~"Mama, Get the Hammer (There's a Fly on Papa's Head)"
January 3: English subtitle for a Hong Kong Film
"I'm Urine Pot the Hero!"
January 4: from a brochure about a motoring event on the French Riviera
"Competitors will defile themselves on the promenade at 11 a.m., and each car will have two drivers who will relieve themselves at each other's convienience."
Jnauary 5: actual courtroom testimony
Witness: The relevant quetion here is--
Attorney 1: Well, why don't you let her ask a question?
Attorney 2: Let her ask--
Witness: I thought you did. Okay.
Attorney 3: I thought I did, too.
Attoney 1: Well, I don't know what it is.
Attorney 3: The witness does, and I do.
Witness: What's your question?
January 6: Mount Nittany United Methodist Church bulletin, State College, Pennsylvania
"Continued prayers for Sharon Watson, who is recovering from tree surgery."
January 7: host of the television cooking show Hot Dish, Alan Colson
"Hello. Welcome to Hot Dish, with me, Alan Colson. Today, I've got crabs!
January 8: sign at a McDonald's in Minneapolis, Minnesota (thanks to Craig Downey)
"TRY A STEAK BEAGLE FOR BREAKFAST TODAY"
January 9: real answers on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's Driving School
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would drive unlawfully.
Q: When driving throught thet fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
January 10:
Pizza counter clerk: "Hey, you look like Adam Sandler."
Actor Adam Sandler: "Yeah, I know."
Clerk: "What's your name?"
Sandler: "Adam Sandler"
Clerk: "Whoa, that's a coincidence!"
January 11: San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Nolan, commenting on on the team's private workout with Alex Smith before the 2005 draft
"He had to cut the wind with his balls, which is something we had to see."
January 12:
Family Feud host Ray Coombs: "A food that makes noise when you eat it."
Contestant: "Really loud hamburger"
January 13: President George W. Bush
"I know that the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully."
January 14: Actual book titles
A Pictoral Book of Tongue Coating
Life and Laughter 'Midst the Cannibals
The Baron Kinvervankotsdorsprakingatchdern: A New Musical Comedy
January 15: menu items at various Asian restaurants
~Cornflex
~Cornflack
~Screambled Eggs
~Screebled Eggs
~Purched Egg
~Pooched Egg
January 16: actual comment written by a doctor on a patient's chart
"Patient had left his white blood cells at another hospital."
January 17: from the cover of the sex education book It's Perfectly Normal
"At last...a book for young people about sex and reproduction in a language thay can understand, plus pictures they will enjoy."
January 18: New England Patriots defensive back Jack Mildren, on his knowledge of the strategies of his former team, the Colts.
"They know I know, and I know they know I know, bit I don't know how much I know."
January 19: from a New York Times story, January 7, 1968
"In the year 2000, we will live in pre-fabricared houses light enough for two men to assemble,...cook in our own television sets, and relax in chairs that emit a private sound-light-color-spectacular."
January 20:
Reporter: What did you major in in college?
Senator Carol Moseley Brown (D-Illinois), who had just announced that she was going to run for president: I'm going to guess it was political science, but I'm not sure. It maight have been history. I'll check. I hadn't thought of that one.
January 21: director of Indonesia's central bank, Syahril Sabirin
"I don't think I've stolen any money recently."
January 22: on the game show Family fortunes, ITV (UK)
Game show host: What is Hitler's first name?
Contestant: Heil.
January 23: actress Drew Barrymore, after traveling to an impoverished village for an MTV environmental special
"I took a poo in the woods hunched over like an animal. It was awesome."
January 24: Japanese newspaper Yomiuri Shimbun
"Newsweek screwed up. Nearly everyone admits that, including the magazine's editors, who retracted an inadequately sourced report that U.S. interrogators had flushed a Korean down the toilet at Guantanamo bay."
January 24: sign at a Burger King in Warrenvill, Illinois (thanks to Terry Cassidy)
"THE BLACK a**s BURGER IS HERE!"
January 26: cheif executive of England's Millenium Dome, P. Y. Gerbeau
"Six and a half million people have visited the Dome and six and a half left happy or happier."
January 27: Seattle Seahawks wide reciever Darrell Jackson, discussing the game plan
"Now it's more about crossing the i's and dotting the t's.
January 28: in a weather story on the Providence Journal website (thanks to Terry Moody)
The Weather service warns the storm carries a significant risk of downed lambs and scattered power outages, and cautions people not to overexert themselves while shoveling
January 29: headline in the Shepway News (UK)
COUNCIL LISTENS TO PEOPLE ON PUBLIC TOILETS
January 30: sign in a snck shop, Japan
Noodles of a phantom with the resistance to the teeth of boast of our shop.
Careful selection with little fate of female liking is used.
Healthy vegetables with salad feeling fully.
January 31: actual conversartion in a cell phone store Baltimore, MD
Salesperson: Do you make a lot of international calls?
Customer: Oh, not many at all. Only to Pennsylvania.
February 1: Senator Jim Sasser (D-Tennessee)
"We have to belly up to the buzz saw, and I think we're reaping the whirlwind from it."
February 2: in the local crime reports column of the Minneapolis (MN) Star Tribune.
Suspicious Activity: Caller reported a red squirrel outside her window acting strangely.
Suspicious Activity: Caller reported that there was a man in a wheelchair holding a beer on the intersection of 8th and Main.
February 3: football commnetator John Madden, broadcasting a Packers game
"If he hadn't been tackled, he would have been in for a touchdown."
****ATTENTION****
There is going to be a bit of a gap here as my computer committed suicide and I lost some of the pages. SO we are going to resume with February 7 instead of 4.
February 7: quiz segment on BBC Radio Norfolk (UK); the correct answer, of course, was Louis Armstrong
Host: Who had a worldwide hit with the song "What a Wonderful World"?
Contestant: I don't know.
Host: Okay, I'll give you a couple of clues. What do you cal the part of your body between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: the arm.
Host: Correct! And if you aren't weak, you are...?
Contestant: Strong.
Host: Correct. And a final clue. What was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Conestant: Louis.
Host: Well, there we are then. So, whodid have a worlwide hit with the song "What a Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
February 8: English subtitle in a Hong Kong film
"Catherine is a nasbian!"
February 9: California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, in the 1977 film Pumping Iron.
"I was always dreaming about very powerful people--dictators and things like that. I was just always impressed by people who could ne remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like Jesus, be for thousands of years remembered.
February 10: soccer manager Glenn Hoddle
"But he was a player that hasn't had to use his legs even when he was nineteen years of age because his first two yards were in his head.
February 11: actual courtroom testimony (thanks to Buddy Truitt)
Attorney: So you saw that, did you?
Witness: Yes, I did.
Attorney: That was pretty far from you. How far can you see?
Witness: I can see the moon, how far is that?
February 12: on BBC Radio 2 (UK)
Radio host Steve Wright: In 1863, which American president gave the Gettysburg Address:
Contestant: I don't know. It was before I was born.
February 13: Department of Health definition if a container
"Container," in relation to an investigational medicinal product, means the bottle, jar, box, packet, or other receptacle which contains or is to contain it, not being a capsule, cachet, or other article in which the product is or is to be administered, and where any such receptacle is or is to be contained in another such receptacle, includes the former but does not include the latter receptacle.
*****ATTENTION*****
Again with the whole computer suicide thing. We're pickin' up with February 28.
Feb. 28: basketball player Scottie Pippen, talking about Tim Duncan
"He's one of the best power forwards of all time. i take my hands off to him.
F 29: Senator John Kerry
"Who among is doesn't like NASCAR?"
Mar 1:
"Weakest Link" host Annie Robinson: What part of the human body is the closest to the floor when walking?
Contestant: The head.
Mar 2: correction note in the Citizen
Thanks to everyone who pointed out to us that the moorhen we featured in last Thursday's issure was in fact a coot!
We also have to apologize for that picture of a buffalo on January 3 which was in fact a bison and on Dec 12 the picture of a weasel which was of course a stoat!
Also in Feb we said that a model aircraft we photographed at a model show was a Republic RF-84 of the French Air Force when it was an F-84R of the Italian Air Force.
We apologize for any distress we have caused.
Mar 6: "If you look at my lovely FEMA attire, you'll really vomit. I am a fashion god."
Mar 7: GameSpy Delves Headfirst into Dung (it was supposed to say "dungeons")
Mar 8: KEEP CHAIR ON POSITION AND TABLE CLEANED AFTER DYING
Mar 9: "I think war is a dangerous place." G.W. Bush
Mar 10: Lenten worship sermon: The surest road to hell. Transportation available. Please call before noon Saturday.
Mar 11: "That is really nice when they are nice. When they are not so nice, it's not nice." Actress Amanda Bynes when asked about the public's reaction to her on the street.
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