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GOSH.
********.
******** THE WORLD.
******** ALL THE DAMN BULLSHIT.
******** ALL THE THINGS I’VE DONE.
******** EVERYTHING.
crying
I just wanna break down and cry…
Nothing’s going right for me today…. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere… I’m so confused, but I can’t cry, I just want the warm tears rolling down my cheeks so I could get over this feeling, but they simply can’t! so yeah… I’m writing all this crap again. The people who actually read my journal might think I’m some loser. Heck, I think I am.
Venus is leaving.
I just can’t believe another one of the people who’s made such a big difference in my life is leaving… and here I am, too hesitant to go and call her by the phone.
I’m a loser alright.
I talked behind her back a little when I was just in a bad mood that day… and I am so guilty. Not so sure why though. I’m just thinking of all the times she’ll be away and I’ll have to be stuck with Chelsea and Kim. Not that I don’t like Chelsea and Kim… they’re just not Venus. [gosh, I'm crying nowwwee crying ]No one can take her place. I reeeeally reeeeeeally want her to stay. Who will I be with ,on the weekends to act like a loser who doesn’t have a life,with??? Who will I laugh with? She’s the only person I can laugh my heart out with currently. The joy she brings to me and my life is like something I need- something I’ll always be looking for. crying
“already I’m so lonesome I could die…”
crying
Why the hell do I have to be in this ******** country anyway? Can’t I just go along with her? I really, really want to. And here comes all this bullshit horsecrap with her and Chelsea. They're in some weird fight or something... and I don't know who to choose! I'm being torn apart, both of them are just so different from one another.
Chelsea =
Does what's right, ALWAYS.
Conservative
Geeky xD
[I enjoy teasing her like hell]
Straight A student
Venus=
Doesn't do what's right, ALWAYS.
Not conservative
Funny
[I enjoy laughing with her like hell]
Straight A student, but is fun and out-going and can be not geeky.
So basically, it's that. While I can be any of those... my character.. I think it's really manipulative, the kinds of friends I have, I harvest their characters and join them with myself. So yeah, going back to what I was saying...
Chelsea and Venus are kind of fighting... and it's just really hard on my part because I like them both. Chelsea is just like a steadfast and loyal friend beside me who guides me to good influence. While Venus on the other hand is a genuinely funny person who just has this refreshingly joyful personality which is very relieving at the end of the day. Originally, my choice was to go along with Venus, because she is leaving. It's not like I could visit her [I'm just being realistic here.] But if I do so, it's not like Chelsea would understand without getting hurt that I choose to be with Venus and not her, which I AM NOT. I'm merely cherishing my moments with her because I can't have her forever...
And when Venus is gone, I'll have no one to go back to because I fought with Chelsea... and being a loner in school is very depressing... No laughter, no companionship... If I were to be alone, I'd miss Venus even more... like now, for instance... because when I hear the silence and my lips are locked together, I feel the sadness deep in me, one which I know I've been trying to conceal...
I just also really feel guilty these days because I've been pushing Venus away a little... maybe I am hurting her too. Hurting her in ways I know she doesn't deserve to be hurt. I'm just afraid to admit to myself that I would be hurt when she's not here anymore, so I've been trying to reject the idea from my mind. I feel like I'm going insane, actually. She's reeally close to me and I try pushing her away, seriously, what the hell kind of idea is that????! I just really don't want to be hurt when she leaves, but I guess what I'm doing is wrong. Even if it does hurt when she leaves, I will take the pain. I should be here for her, not hurting her. I have to admit that I feel deep friendship with her, something I rarely find. When she cried last year, I really felt her pain. Somewhat like how a mom cares for her child when she sees he's crying... She feels his pain. I felt like that. ugh,I really want to meet her tomorrow, give her a hug. Maybe it will make me feel better, laughing with her--you should try it, it knocks your socks off...
-sigh- enough crying for the night… I can’t take anymore tears….
..till next time…
Your Loser
 Moonlight_Dancero9 · Sat Aug 02, 2008 @ 05:31pm · 7 Comments |
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