I have no idea why I'm posting this right now.
I guess I just have a fetish for black and white pictures >w<
and I think this is beautiful, especially her eyes...
Waaaahhh.
crap crap crap.
I haven't studied yet!
Damn this, who am I fooling?
I hate studying as much as the next person, but I dunno, I always have this idea in my little crazy head that I WILL BE studying. Hell, I know I'm not.
I just either screw the test or study like hell before. Haha. No wonder my quizzes are always freaking low! But I always perfect the seatworks... I guess I just really am lazy xDD
I just HATE quizzes, you know? And I really can't concentrate in doing something without the will or 'passion' of doing it. What the hell? 'PASSION'?
It sounds totally crazy, I know. I keep skipping topics, from studying habits, to quizzes and god-knows-what!
Still, I think it's fun, anyway.
I'm lonely sometimes, and it's just nice to talk here... no one judging you or anything...
ANYWAYS.
Today was really a frustrating day...
We had a long test in Math, which I seriously forgot about, [I swear, I'm not pretending like I forgot like the other times! xD] a practical exam in P.E., and a literally freaking long test in Filipino.
God.
FILIPINO.
My [not to mention stupid] teacher, Ms. Denoyo the DEVIL, gives us this 65 item QUIZ, and I’m pretty sure I’m miserably failing it. Maybe even in more ways that I know right now. I don’t even understand why I passed that subject... I mean, I’m not complaining or anything, THANK GOD I PASSED! It’s just a wonder why I get an 81 in the card grade, when I didn’t submit my Filipino journal, I didn’t ace any tests, maybe just a little above passing... I mean, it still is FILIPINO ><! And I have a reason why I don’t do my Filipino journal.
Yeah, I do!
I bet no one would think it’s a good enough excuse or anything, but I don’t really care.
Moving on...
Today was also frustrating because.... hmm... I can’t think of a good enough reason, and that makes it worse. Sometimes, I dunno what the hell my problem is... everything just comes crashing down on a certain day.
And viola!
I end up rearranging my face in class again.
I’ll have you know, my mornings are GREAT.
I dunno what’s up with them, but I’m always so giddy and happy and... It’s just... different, I guess.
I feel like everything’s new... but wait—here comes the insane part.
After a few minutes in the classroom, I feel like I’m being drained—suppressed, from the outside world, one which I long to be in.
I don’t like staying inside the cold, air-conditioned classroom, sitting my a** all day while I’m wasting my life!
I wanna go outside, run in the grass, and maybe lay down there...forever.
The feeling depresses me a lot of times... merely looking outside the window and seeing the trees and the lovely sky gives me this pain inside... and it’s really frustrating, I can’t think of anything else but the want for freedom.
After stopping one moment and thinking for a while, despite our BUSY schedule, I just realized how much nothing in school made sense to me anymore.
I mean, sure. We need this stuff, I understand. But don’t we need to LIVE out our lives as children too? There’s not much we can do with our time anymore, and it just makes everything feel so useless.
History—sure, I liked it. Hell, I do... I just think that maybe we’ll be history as well if we don’t stop lazing around our whole childhood in school, studying about it. I know all that crap is important, everyone goes through it... But being compared to all those people who have also undergone this period, it’s not really the answer to everything. It gives you hope, looking at something that is an example of what you are now and what you can become if you succeed. But that’s not the bottom line. It’s not about being like them—knowing you can achieve something like the people around you did, it’s about actually feeling something about this... It might sound useless and it could hurt, but is it possible that this hurting for freedom is positive?
Maybe it’s both positive and negative, but nothing in between?
Positive because you’re open-minded and sensitive to what you think you’re going through and your opinions about things...
Negative because you’re hardly yourself anymore... You’re overpowered by the struggle to free yourself from discomfort.
I really don’t like feeling the way I do most of the time. But sometimes, it’s out of my control. I feel things I don’t understand because everything comes down to me all at once! People need to give me a break sometimes... I have many opinions about a lot of things... sometimes I like talking about it to my friends, but most of the time, I end up looking like a fool because I see things different.
And that makes me insecure.
I know it shouldn’t, but I shouldn’t be awake now, either.
Yet I still am.
I don’t understand what I feel—seriously. I wish I did, I wish someone else did too.
But how could I expect someone to understand me if I don’t understand myself?
What if I were actually crazy?
I’ve never seen someone so confused in my whole life.
Maybe also because I don’t know exactly how they feel, but I’m sure it’s not like this.
Sometimes, I get unreasonably cranky. My head start to spin and everything just doesn’t make sense... My friends are screaming in my ears simultaneously and I can’t tell them to keep quiet. I feel like pushing them away and breaking down... but I can’t. I’d be making a scene, and people will ask me why I was feeling that way and I can’t give them a proper answer. I gather up my thoughts and actually think... Why am I feeling this way? And I really don’t know.
So instead of all that, I just walk away silently. This makes me look like a total lunatic because people are talking to me, and I just suddenly storm out, with a look like I need to murder somebody.
It’s pretty hard, deciding which I would prefer, since I really can’t think of other options without hurting their feelings or getting them mad at me because I’m not listening to what they say anymore...
Listening to them.
Sometimes I dislike it. [I know some of my friends would be reading this, so no offense at all.]
They just keep talking and talking. Sometimes it’s nice having talkative friends, seeing them happy makes your heart feel warm...
But not when your head is throbbing.
And I don’t think my head aches because of lack of sleep or food... I think it’s psychological, most times. I used to have migraines about every day, so my mind is so sure it’s gonna overload again, just like every other day and I expect the worse, so my head hurts again, thinking about everything too much...
And when I actually am silent, and giving my head a break, someone would nudge my shoulder in such an annoying way that I can’t stand it! I feel like I’m gonna burst if that stupid hand won’t freaking stop touching me! If you want to freaking ask me a [dumb] question, ask me nicely at least??? I don’t mind helping you, I may be groucy sometimes, but I try, don’t I? And that should be enough. But it isn’t. It’s never enough.
I guess no matter how much you say trying means succeeding in another aspect, it doesn’t make much sense. Who likes failing, anyway? If you try, it’s human nature to want to succeed.
But what if you’re stuck like me?
Drowning in misery sometimes, I just isolate myself; I don’t deserve to hurt anyone.
I know I don’t.
Yet I still do.
I know I do.
It’s late. I’m going to bed.
Ships
By: Umbrellas
Just like ships, we float through each other's lives
Through the waters of beauty and grace
We will one day dock at the same port
And give rest to our weary legs
There is a light placed up in the sky
Like the stained glass, time slows down
I wish I could sleep, I wish I could dream
I love the sound of my feet against these empty streets
I saw the whole town burn down
I'm walking away
Nothing stays, these feelings have wings
Our arms outstretched, we are soaring
 Moonlight_Dancero9 · Sun Oct 05, 2008 @ 04:43pm · 0 Comments |
