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the ever-popular question |
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lately, ive been sitting up at night unable to sleep and unable to cry. wow, that sounded so emo. hmmm... i'll rephrase that. lately, i have had so much trouble getting to sleep and going crazy in the day cuz of it. that's a lot better. ok, moving on.
i dunno, i have so much on my mind, and i hate going back and sounding emo, but it is honestly because i'm thinking of death. not necassarily my death. i mean, i've been thinking of my brother and my friends, and eulogies i'd give for them. i've imagined how mine would sound, so many times going back and forth from being something nice said or something negative.
then i sit and think of all the ways i've messed up and of all the ways i should be different but can't. i mean, i think of all the stupid ways i act and wonder why i do half the s**t i do. i mean, sometimes it's for attention, sometimes its because of my short temper, sometimes it's cuz i just feel like i've been too quiet. sometimes, i hate to admit this, i actually wanna be hated. i feel that if i give people a reason to hate me, it'll help them appreciate when im being good. then there are those times that it's impossible for me to be good. i can't always controly myself, let alone my mouth.
and now i've been sitting at home alone since i got home from school. i mean, i had a s**t load of fun after school. it was half-day wednesday and we went to mc donalds and carls jr to play in the play place. then jerry and i walked home together. but i got home at 2:30 and i've been pretty much alone from then til 10 minutes ago. and i'm really depressed and i've been depressed for days and i'm wondering if it's cuz i'm alone so much- not physically but emotionally.
i dunno. i have this problem where everyone can tell me what's wrong and i'll help them, but i can't find it in myself to tell people whats' on my mind. i mean, obviously i don't know what the ******** my problem is, but even people who don't know what's wrong will tell me what's going on so i can help them feel better. i can't bring myself to do that.
i was gonna cut myself the other night; see if cutting was as good as so many people say it is. but i couldn't do it. so many times have i said bad things about cutters and said they only did it for attention. so now i'm wondering if i just want attention deep down. like, do i just want the love that i feel i don't have? even my parents claim i don't say stuff because they never actually listn to the words i say. my dad yelled at me because instead of hearing my appology, he heard non-existant sarcasm.
so is that it? is it just that i behave the way i do because sub-consciously i want attention in any form, like every little brat on tv? or is it that i just have more problems than i think.
even though this is open to a million strangers, i can't find it in myself to say this in person to any of my friends. maybe it's easier to accept help from someone who's judgement won't matter. but if that were the case, why would i want so much judgement in the first place? i dunno. i wish i could find help. but how could i expect someone to help me when i can't even help myself. might as well just listen to the voice in my head telling me to smile for the people and mask the pain with anger. it's natural at this point, anyways.
 the_forgotten_thought · Thu Nov 06, 2008 @ 02:59am · 1 Comments |
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