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Trying to explain this...
Would be like trying to explain why everything is even on this earth.
In the first 5 seconds...
I just wanted everything to end,
all the pain,
the immeasurable heavy feeling that my heart would feel...
But explanations make everything better,
or so it seems.
It seems foolish now...
Why I would allow thoughts like that to even enter my mind.
But in moments of weakness, I let everything in.
I let anything and everything bother me,
and hurt me,
It becomes hard to breath, to speak, to live.
And although sometimes it honestly feels like things couldn't get worse,
it usually does.
Everything and anything collapses around me.
Those feelings... the ones that make it impossible to sleep at night...
they make me alert, but they open me up for even more pain,
and hurt,
and crying especially.
Like there's this dark angel, hanging above me,
criticizing everything I do, say, think.
Most people wouldn't last one day as me;
they'd either kill themselves are go insane.
I have done neither; insanity was already there.
I look fine on the outside, nothing seems to bother me..
But inside there's a wave of sickness that wants to take hold,
and sometimes I let it.
I let it do what it wants, and I end up paying for it.
Even though life can be hard sometimes...
I know that I'm not suppose to die, yet.
That became apparent after the 5th incident, when I SHOULD have died,
but I never did...
I never do.
I always end up with a broken soul, and an even more broken heart.
Mabye it is all psychological, but that holds a place too.
It hangs on your mind like a little child that doesn't want to go...
Doesn't want to leave...
And it drives you insane until you think about killing the child; or killing yourself.
I can breathe again... and there's no more water, falling into my lap; no, it's subsided.
The child wants out, but i keep it on its leash, like a police dog waiting to attack.
it has a short leash... but a thin one too; it breaks when it finds a weak point, and it shreds everything in sight to pieces.
Sometimes it goes out of it's way to make sure it hurts...
When will I learn that I can overcome it; it's nothing but a small child.
I've never felt like this; not for an extended period of time anyway.
Something... just makes that little child hide in the corner, and make it want to obey...
I know who it is... but the child fears it like it is bed time story monster.
I just want to hold on to them... and never let go, as if letting go would begin a long fall down a pit, where at the bottom lay nothing but certain death.
I no longer think of death anymore.
And I no longer wish it would end.