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HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! BYE 2005! |
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I sure hope 2006 is better than 2005. Heck, I hope it's better than 2004. It's hard to have two years worse than those.
The one thing I want to avoid is having my heart shattered and danced on all in the same night. It hurts, ya know. It took a month before the shock wore off and tears flowed. It took another 2 weeks after that to have a full-blown "why? why? why?" crying session. Before I was just upset b/c I couldn't talk to any of my friends where I was. Then, I got back home and laid in my bed, the very same bed where silent tears flowed down my cheeks, the very bed where I heard "Thousand Miles" and recognized it from someplace, some time I wanted to forget. I burst like a bubble. The knowledge that each crush, each real crush, I had ever had never amounted to anything was overwhelming.
I thought back to Jordan. He was new to my second grade class. tallish, blond, friendly, and funny. The perfect guy. I liked him so much, and I was only 7. He gave me a necklace from Limited Too for my b-day. Not that I liked jewelry and stuff when I was little, but I appreciated it all the same. It took the summer vacation for me to forget about liking him. The next 3 years, we were good friends. Then I left the school. I saw him 2 years ago. He's changed very little, and I was so happy to see him. It was nice to be able to say, "Hey Jordan." again.
Now, I'm stuck on Patrick. I me him in 3rd grade. about my height, blondish, chess club. I didn't know him that well, but he stuck in my mind. He left the next year. I didn't notice b/c he's a year older than me. Then, just over a year ago, as luck would have it, I ran into him again.
Me and my friend were in this youth choir. We got to practice one night and headed up the stairs to the room as usual. There, standing in front of the piano, was Patrick! I couldn't remember his name, but I remembered his sister, wo was 2 years younger than me and had taken piano lessons with the same teacher as me. Well, at that moment, I couldn't figure out how I knew him. After all, 6 years is a long time to remember a person you barely knew.
After a few months, I noticed my friend, who was now my ex-friend, liked him. Alot. I saw that he liked her back. i hated it. How could she like him so much? I mean, okay, sure. He was nice and liked music and all the stuff that she likes practically. But at the same time, he never was anything but kind to me. Usually, her friends are not my friends. There's some exceptions, but generally, her friends don't like me. I brushed off the ominous feeling of pain lurking in the future. I mean, if they liked each other so much, why did Patrick call me to ask if we had practice? Why not just call her?
Well, summer came, and the choir just sorta disbanded. I didn't see Patrick all summer. At the end of July, I realized something: I liked Patrick. I finally understood that irritation at that girl for liking him. Well, it didn't help.
School started in mid-August. Walk into religion, sit in the front. 10 seconds before the bell, in trudges my worst nightmare: my ex-friend, the very one who liked Patrick. Oh, the horror that raced through my mind. I was in for a year of hell, that much I knew. The next Friday there would be a dance. In my journal, I wrote that I was sure the girl would bring either Patrick or Kitty. I wrote that I hoped it wouldn't be Patrick b/c that would be awkward.
Well, I endured my first full week of religion hell (that's kinda funny, now that I think on it). Unfortuantely for me, I was moved a little. The way the classroom was set up, looking ever so slightly to the left had me looking at the girl. So I was perpetually looking to the right, straight at my teacher. I was that scared of the girl. I did my best to concentrate on class. I answered questions. I was the perfect student. I let ppl borrow my colored pencils on the 1st day, when we drew ourselves. Unfortunantly for me, I finished right after the girl. We had to raise our hand when we were done and explain something from it. Then my teach put it on the wall, holding hands with the last person. Ugh... Not my cup of tea. I considered going in one morning and taking mine down, but I decided against it.
So Friday rolls around. A spider pops up in religion, the girl won't kill it and instead carries it sweetly to the garbage can, which was, say, 5 feet away from me. I'm not scared of spiders, but that ticked me off. It also set off a little alarm in the back of my mind. Where had I heard about ppl that don't kill even spiders and stuff? An interesting question, but it was quickly thrown out of my mind by that evening.
I went to that dance, wearing my jeans and a blue shirt (I had considered wearing a red shirt, but as you will see, my choice was most judicious). I walked into the gym. A boy was standing next to a girl who was bent over to sign in. I saw the purse on her back. Uh-oh. that meant the guy could only be--
"Oh, hi Sara!" Damn. He had turned around. I could do nothing but reply. "Hi, Patrick." My voice was high and light, the exact opposite of what I felt. I couldn't stop myself from giving a little cry from behind my hands, which attracted some unwanted attention from my overly nice friend Kaitlen (sp?). So I walked into the main gym floor. And sat down on the bottom bleacher. Then, appropriately, the song I Want It That Way came on. I sang along, eyes clouded by tears. After it ended, I just sat crying a bit, kicking my foot against the hard bottom of the bleacher and muttering "I should have known. I knew, but I didn't listne to myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid." I wrapped my arms around myself. My nails, which were long, dug into my arms. The physical pain took away some of the emotion that was inside me. I was sad and absolutely FURIOUS.
My english teacher asked why I was all alone. I told her my friends weren't there yet (that was a lie; they were all over by that girl). My teach said there was a group of 10th graders over on the other side and why don't I go over there. By that time I had stood up. I couldn't help it. I just broke down and started sobbing. "I want to go over there but I can't. My friends are over there but I can't go b/c of Sarah Beth." I was gesturing with my hands the entire time. The teach took me over away from the other teachers who had come over and asked if I was ok. Well, again, I had to lie. I said yes, I'm fine now. Well, that was wonderous for me.
Eventually my friend showed up. I hung around her. We were dancing, and for a night, we were the 2 girls everyone knew and wanted around. I noticed my ex-friend dragging Patrick to the other side of the gym every time Erin and I migrated to the same side as her. It was funny. Then, Footloose came on. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love that song. I was dancing now! I go all out on that song. Well, somehow or another, I ended up near that gal again. She promptly moved away, but since Patrick was sitting down, she couldn't take him with her. It rocked. I could be close by w/o having er around. After the song, I went to find Erin. It's best not to linger by someone's date if you can possibly get yelled at.
So the rest of the night went smoothly. I got a drink and sat with some of my friends who had stopped dancing and were away from the girl. Then, she comes walking in with Patrick and walks far away from our cafeteria table and sits down. Well, everyone but me gets up and leaves. One girl and her date asked me if I was coming. I said no, I couldn't. Well, she was really nice and decided to stay and talk to me. We boycotted the girl. It rawked!
Then Brown-Eyed Girl came on. I luv the song too much. We all jumped up to go dance. At the Sha-la-la part, i spun around. I wish I hadn't. There they were, Patrick and the girl, dancing hand in hand. I felt sick. But with each sha-la-la I spun. A sickening compulsion to see how close they were kept me spinning.
Then a slow song came on. I rushed off the dance floor as couples began to dance. I was looking for Erin when I saw them again. So close. This time, Patrick's back wasn't to me. I wanted it to stop. I didn't want to see what I was seeing. But I was mesmerized. I couldn't take my eyes away. The reality of it was keeping me spellbound until my cell rang. My mom had arrived. I rushed out quickly. I got into the car, and my mom said we had to leave the next day. Hurricane Katrina was not going to hit Florida; it was coming straight for us. It didn't make sense. Just minutes before I left the house, the forcasters had said we were out of the cone of probability. Now we were dead center, as of 8:15, just minutes after every negative emotion was forced into my mind. Anger, hate, jealosy, sorrow, pain. Had I caused this? Had my complete odium and animosity for the girl turned the storm to destroy her? Had my fury and pain for myself turned the storm for my punishment? I did not know.
Well, the only punishment I got was losing my fav capriis and being away from home for over a month. From what my mom told me, the girl's family was a bit worse off, though not much. (but I had already figured that out when I heard my uncle got 6 inches of water in his house. The girl lived 6 blocks away exactly.) They had gotten some water and were forced to live in an apartment. Okay, so what? It was better than all of us losing our homes. We were lucky.
So, did I do that? Is the storm my fault? Most would say no, but another funny event. The very day after my birthday, I talked to a friend on the internet. She repeated something said by the girl, something I won't repeat. Well, I was furious. Next thing you know, there's another, weaker hurricane barreling down on LA, only this time it was closer to Eunice, which was where we were staying. We lost power for 10 hours. That can't be a coincidence....
"Can this be real?"
~Nepie
 nepie · Sat Dec 31, 2005 @ 06:21pm · 0 Comments |
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