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Not like that, you perverts! XD
I've been thinking about alot of things lately. I have lots of homework due on Monday, but I can't seem to get this feeling of stuff I have undone out of my mind. I don't have time to go out and have fun because of all these chores my parents, my sisters, even my dogs are piling up for me. I'm failing classes because I've got writers block, artists block, I feel like I can't finish anything at home, and what makes it all worse, I have to go to Oni-Con this year, if I don't I will feel so guilty for disrespecting Lillyh's death. If you don't know her, I'll post a new blog about her. I feel so bad for not planning things out and for people not following my plans throughout the days. I've become lonely and my heart got heavy within a matter of days. My school work is just collecting dust in my backpack, my YouTube fans are worrying about me not making videos, my cosplay fans are kinda freaking out because I'm not posting any new pictures, adding new members, and not making a new videos of our cosplay days because I've been so busy. I constanly worry about if people are going to forget about me when I sign back online, which is why I keep myself updated on Twitter, MySpace, YouTube, and here on Gaia. I'm constantly writing and trying to add more stories to my FanFiction account because I fear that people will leave me alone and forget about me. I think to myself why I can't do what I want to do because of my sisters and my family lifestyle. They just get lazy and start blaming each other for things that aren't their problem. They don't clean their messes and don't take out the dogs, which ends up having their droppings all over the floor. This is why I want cats. They know where to go, and the cooler part is if you just want to rest, talk to someone when all your friends are busy, or just want a hug, you've got the cat there for you. I fear someday I'll be a cat lady who has millions of cats that I talk to, and I'll even end up dressing like one. I fear that one day, when people forget about BrownWolf2, I'll be that old catlady you see picking up kitty litter at Wal-Mart. crying I just feel so alone, so unwanted. I have this guilt, this hatred, this feeling of regret, and alot of other things I can't think of. I feel like someone ripped out my heart and squeezed it, then pulled it apart until there was nothing left. I feel like crying sometimes. When I watch a show, an anime, or a movie and taht romantic moment comes, I start to walk away to find a place to hide and cry. When I see my friends at school whom I can't talk to, I panic and look away so they won't see me looking at them. Not only the people at my new school, but the people at my old school too. I hide the fact the people who were mean to me the most I miss the most. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm pouring my heart out in this because I can't hold it in anymore because I know its very bad for me. It'll kill me if I kept it all bottled up inside. I don't want te be in my 40s or even my 80s alone. I don't want to spend my whole life feeling like a reject and a failure, I don't want to be shown as a whore and a slut to people who barely know me because I'm not. I don't want to be seen as a b***h or a stupid two face jerk. I don't want to be a negative spoiled brat. I don't want to tell people about my life and hear from their mouths "Oh, I know you, you're that annoying person my friend told me about." I don't want to be told that I whine and b***h because I don't get what I want. sad There isn't much I can do now, so all I ask you is to comfort me because I'm going through alot of stuff that you can't understand.
My mom is physically disabled, my dad is mentally disabled. When my dad was in Korea before I was born, the military forced all soldiers to get the Anthrax shot, like they were their guinea pigs. He got extremely and permanently sick and now he takes medication for his sezures, migranes, headaches, his mood swings, this crazy head, and his inability to sleep at night. It ran in my family to be a little bit overweight, but somehow is skipped me and now she can't even stand up for 5 minutes without her feet being swollen. She takes medicine for her headaches and her migranes too. A few weeks ago, she went to the doctors and ended up getting 2 teeth on each side of her jaw removed and she is now still on meds because of that. She also got stitches because her jaw broke too. She ised to sing when she was in her 20s but now she can't even yell because she is sick. Both of my parents smoke. I feel like a total loser when I say that because people would tell me I smell like weed or cigarettes. My uncle Baltazar lives with us too and he works in the army too. My dad is actually retired and can't work at all because he is. He's onle 38 right now and my mom is 40. My uncle is turnig 42 in December. My dad will die earlier than he's supposed to because of that shot. Not only did they give it to him once, but they couldn't find the records from that shot, so they had to give it to him again. I don't know how much longer he has. I just don't know what I'm going to do with myself. My life sucks. I might as well face it now while I'm still young.
My sisters are mean to me. My sister, Cheyenne doesn't do anything and lies so she can get her way. Once my sister, Rosa, and I ended up going to the mall late because Cheyenne didn't finish what she was told so we ended up doing it ourselves. Rosa is so lazy, she basically lies to my mom saying she has "homework" to do and starts hibernating in the room texting and watching television. I have to do her chores too. I was supposed to go to the mall today, but no one wanted to clean so I could leave so I ended up not going. I'm so depressed right now, not because of my family, but because of my friends. I lost 2 of my friends today because of the stupidest things ever. My friend Mona got mad at me because I broke up with someone the other day because I didn't love them anymore, but I'm slowly thinking about them, and she also got mad at me because I wanted some of our friend, Travis', spirit basket (traditional basket of snacks or junk food for Fridays or Pep Rally days, football season, ugh) and I didn't get any so she is mad at me and now her and Travis aren't my friends anymore. I also lost some awesome friends I barely met 2 months ago. Snow, Sam, and the coolest girl ever, Yuki. I can't tell anyone why because they'll just get mad at me that I posted this up, or for even saying their names on here. All I can tell you is that its drama. I have to say "If you like someone let them know. If they like you back, let it show."
Well, that is basically what I have to live with. Drama, laziness, being poor, and friendless. I'm a lonely piece of s**t.
 Canis Baileyi Lupus · Sun Oct 18, 2009 @ 03:39am · 1 Comments |
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