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yeah! i finally got my game back! i'm makin better shots, i'm gettin my passes better than before, and i'm gettin aggressive on the court finally! only took a week, haha. and i'm even runnin better (god, i got outta shape fast, haha!)
ok, now we all know that when something good happens, something bad has to come with it, right? so here's the deal: my dad forgets that i'm not comfortable with my entire fam knowin my sexuality. i mean, with the general public, i do prefer them knowing me before the subject comes up, but that's because once they know me, it won't matter who i'm attracted to, as long as they like me for who i am. family is an entirely different story.
family knows you since you're a lil kid and loves you despite your flaws (haha, in a perfect world!) however, once they find out something's wrong with you or if you deviate from the norm, the foundation of your ralationship crumbles. you slip up and you can feel the road crack. your walking on thin ice and with every step, gravity increases, weighing down on you. can you hold yourself up?
no. you can't. and sometimes i just wanna go up to them and scream "i'm different! i'm gay!" sometimes i just wanna slap them in the face. "i'm not rich like you! so what?" to my aunt and spoiled cousin. sometimes i just wanna go to my other uncle and scream at him, "i'm loud! i'm opinionated! so are you, douchebag!" sometimes the truth is what hurts, but when someone hurts you, the first thing on your to-do list is to hurt them back.
i don't wanna go in a car ride with my brother and cousin and dad. i don't wanna make dirty jokes and have my dad slip up "oh, and of course you'd like that kinda girl" or something. or maybe he'll bring up an ex. i can't have my bro find out like that. i can't have him find out. it's too delicate.
i can't have my family with all of their secret envy or snobish-behavior or general animocity be together right now. i just wish thanksgiving could be like when i was a little kid; before the loathing was detectable; before i knew the consequences of being how i am; before i realized that my family was indeed the hardest group of people to stay together with when a family should be the tightest group in humanity.
and people wonder why the world's gone to hell in a handbasket.
punk's dead. hip hop's not what nineties build. the idea of family is just a dream, blurred from the nightmare of life.
i love life. i love the world. i wanna be in a room full of puppies and playing with my friends being stupid. i wish i wasn't like this-depressed, that is. my period will start soon enough, though, and though in pain, i'll be better mentally. is it the end of the month yet?
 the_forgotten_thought · Wed Nov 25, 2009 @ 02:57am · 0 Comments |
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