Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I didn't ask for much this christmas, just like last year I didn't. Christmas has turned in to one of those "just-another-day" Holidays where I sit and listen to carolers outside but soon close the door and sit down inside. I'm not a scrouge, It's not that I hate christmas, I just don't celebrate it. After all I have Yule, my two day winter celebration. But this year, unlike every other year, I've found myself wanting something so impossible, something I had never wanted before. I've never made wishes to have that one present on christmas night, I knew if I didn't get it, I didn't get it, and I could try again the next year. I know there's no Santa, so I never write lists, but just to do it, I leave cookie out every christmas night, just in case. Because I want the possiblity that there's someone out there that might be able to give me that only present at the top of my list.
Every year those cookies are uneaten when I wake up in the morning, therefore my few on this magical character remains unmoved.
But what I truly want this year is nothing anything can buy, you can find it at a store or any black market.. at least I hope not. The only thing I want for christmas is for him to be here, and I know that's all but impossible. But I know I'll find myself waiting on Christmas day for him to come, just because my heart has a funny reason of trapping just a little hope in it.
It's kind of funny how the only year I actually want something, I can't get it. the closer christmas draws near, the sadder I'll get, I think.
And this feeling is new to me, I've never wanted to be at someone's side on christmas. I've never been so selfish to want to begin to hope, I didn't want to take anyone away from their family on a day that's so important to that little thing.
I wanted to get a plane ticket.
I've never before wanted to fly on a plane, I'm terrified of them. The mere though of flying usually installs a thick fear in to my heart. But I found myself wishing I had one so bad, to the point where I almost took all the money I had to go get one. It was foolish and stupid and I probably wouldn't have followed through with it. But the thought still shocks me.

So I guess.. I'll spend christmas day looking at the door, waiting for him to walk through. Only... He'll probably never come.