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It has been a very long time since I've made a journal entry. These days, I'm catching up with my life. I don't know if anyone reads these, but I have to put this out there wherever I am now. People tell me I'm not talking, but thats not true. It's because you aren't listening.
Let's start where we left off.
In 2010, I gave birth to a baby girl. She was sick. I named her after Sabrina, a friend of mine who passed away in May of 2009. I lost another friend in 2010, though. Didn't even get a chance to meet my daughter.
She had so many disabilities, she was so sick but I didn't stop, not one bit. Her life was filled with medication, physical therapy, diet changes, and surgeries. She lived until she was 2 years, 6 months, and 5 days old. She was losing weight fast and in 2011, she got surgery for a feeding tube. She grew plump and heavy. God, I miss her. We watched tv, movies together. I sang to her every night and one day she got her own toddler bed. She was growing and she had friends. I even quit school to be a mommy. But one day, she got a bad cold. Days passed and she wasn't getting any better, she was getting worse. The day before she passed away, these photos were taken of her.
We were supposed to meet Tara Strong together, we were supposed to have a happy weekend at Megacon 2013. But that never happened. On March 14, 2013 Sabrina stopped breathing and died in my arms. She was blind as well so watching things was hard for her. I had to tell Tara Strong, the voice of Twilight Sparkle in My Litle Pony: Friendship is Magic, that she died the day before I saw Tara. She was never going to be able to meet her.
James and I are... complicated. Our relationship was okay. I moved to Florida, leaving him behind. All of a sudden, he disappeared. His father took him away and was not allowed to use a computer, a phone, nothing. He couldn't even talk to his own mother. All because of me. It still hurts to this day that someone finds me so disgusting. I dated for awhile, then James came back into my life. He moved in with me the day my daughter had her feeding tube surgery. He was there for me, and for my daughter. Most nights, I'd take care of her and James did the more manly things until he became lazy. He took my laptop whenever he wanted, demanded it while he showered, it was annoying. Even during the night before I left for school, he'd hog it and take it everywhere. Then, I'd had enough of his crap. I took my laptop everywhere with me, and during one of my daughters hospital visits while she was having breathing problems, I found he was cheating on me. It was disgusting. Even our most trusted friends thought so. I broke up with him and forced him out of my house before July of 2012. I didn't try dating, but I did continue to go to cons with my sister and daughter. After my daughter died, I moved back to Texas to get some stress off me. Little did I know, it created more and I was feeling bad that I was homeless and had to beg for friends to feed me and let me stay with them until I found something permanent. After months of cleaning peoples houses, couch hopping, and starving myself, I acquired a home for about 2 months. James and our therian friends were there. They treated me kindly, I even learned a thing or two about alcohol. And boy did I love it. It was fun, I even had a few one night stands. Life was good. Until James started bothering the s**t out of me. God, he was making me angry and disgusted with him. He even touched out roommate without her permission. We moved apartments and we all were getting settled in. Until I couldn't find a job. I didn't graduate high school so finding a job was harder for me. I looked for weeks without an answer. Most places who called me in for interviews were no goes. I didn't have work experience either. There was a time where my laptop wasn't working, so I borrowed the other roommates computer and laptop. I then got a girlfriend, for the first time. She was a slice of pie, just heavenly. Her name was Jessie, genderfluid just like me. She was a lesbian though, which I had no problem with. Life got a little more stressful. I had no phone so the internet was my safe haven, which none of my roommates understood. So, they made a rule so when they left the house, they wouldn't tell me when they'd be back and turned off the internet, this included password protecting the computer and laptop. I grew incredibly depressed. They treated me like a slave because I offered to do chores in exchange for a living space. They treated me like s**t because they had OCD and if it wasn't done right, I'd get the internet taken away and eventually couldn't handle it so I called my mom and told her I wanted to come back. One of the roommates offered to pay for my ticket home, and my girlfriend planned to pick me up. It was the first time I met her in person. She smelled amazing and her height was perfect. God, I loved her. Anyway, James was disturbing for me, and I tried to love him again. But it just never worked. I grew a barrier around myself, so I wouldn't get hurt. Needless to say, he grew protective, annoying. I banned him from speaking to me. He got angry with our roommates too. It was terrible. So I moved. September 26, 2013. Jessie and I had a wonderful relationship, but I only got to see her 3 times. First time, she picked me up from the airport, met my family. 2nd and 3rd, we watched Supernatural together. Even had Arby's for dinner. It wasn't romantic, but something stuck out terribly. The song she played when she took me home that last night with her. The Scientist by Angels. That song is sad, and if you know the lyrics, you could tell there was nothing good that came with that song. During her 18th birthday weekend, I was having trouble with being away from her. I grew annoying and with her thoughts and her friends, our relationship ended. I became obsessed with her. I annoyed her with asks on Tumblr, liking her selfies and reblogging her posts. I was insane. She had planned on going to Holiday Matsuri as was I, so I wanted to meet up with her and her friends, one of which was my friend as well. But, this is not what happened, not even close. A young person ran into me dressed as Dean Winchester from SPN, asked for a photo. I said sure. I had no idea who he was, but I was dressed as Castiel from SPN so I knew it was a fandom related thing.
We agreed to meet the next day, and so we did. We cosplayed the same. Only this time, we did a ship, Destiel to be exact. Boy, this guy liked me.
That photo was the moment before I ran into Jessie, who gave me panic attacks all weekend.
I have to say, this was the most fun I've had in my entire life. I have never felt so happy than I did with this guy. We didn't even know each others age until that Saturday. Having a 5 year age gap doesn't exclude the feelings he has for me, nor does it exclude mine. We have a mutual connection that became something more because of Supernatural, and I couldn't be more happy than I am now.
As of right now, I am no longer in contact with James because of how he's acted these past few years. Jessie and I don't talk to each other either.
Everyone I've ever been friends with has had a ******** up life, and I was somehow included. Looking back at some of my previous journal entries, the ones I didn't delete, I was really depressed.
Now, I'm working on my art, I passed my GED test and I'm in need of picking up my results soon. I'm going to be 21 next month, finally old enough to buy my own alcohol. I started smoking an ecig because Jessie smoked one, but I use it for stress and anxiety. It's actually working and I don't feel so angry to do things for my family as much. I still get used but I'm managing. As long as I can go to my cons, I'll be okay. Like I said, I'm working on art commissions and even though I don't get much of them, I still get them. The money I get will go towards cons and cosplay for now. I do plan to go to college, but I'm afraid of the debt that comes with it. I still haven't paid off the credit card I've had for years. $700 doesn't sound like much to people, but its a lot to me. Even my family's food budget is larger than that, and that scares me. I'm gonna look for work as long as I can.
CON UPDATE: I'm going to be at MegaCon 2014 on March 21st to the 23rd in Orlando. I get to be with my boyfriend and I'm so happy. We're doing a JohnLock (Sherlock and John Watson from BBC Sherlock) ship thing as well as Destiel (Dean Winchester and Castiel from SPN).
If anyone who might be reading this wants more updates, sooner please go to my tumblr. I'm on that site so much, its depressing. http://canisbaileyilupus.tumblr.com
 Canis Baileyi Lupus · Thu Jan 30, 2014 @ 05:16am · 0 Comments |
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