..we're drowning in cliches,
So desperate to love."
Sorry, was listening to The Birthday Massacre - Violet and those lyrics came up.
I like that song. :]
Am currently not doing much, trying to prevent the recurring cramp in my foot to go away. I have no idea why it keeps coming back but it's hella annoying. >.<
Haven't done much all day, am wallowing in my own house with Chris on his xbox 360. I've only had one go so far. D:
But, I may be able to play some viva pinata later I hope. It's a rather awesome game I must say so. :]]
Am really dreading school Monday. I've really upset people and although I kinda mean what I say I feel horrible guilt. People put up so much for me but at the same time are hypocritical - just as much as I am. I mean I'm trying my hardest to make myself better and it's hard. I guess friends I thought understood how much pressure I was constantly being put under would understand but they don't realise how much pressure they apply. This is me being terribly selfish I know.
I'm just starting to break away from living my life how I'm expected too and it's hard.
I feel isolated alot of the time, at home, at school. I feel like a tag on.
My family are going away, it's so hard for me to comprehend how hard that's going to be. I'm not a greatly independant person no matter how much I wish I was - that's a basic fact but at the same time I like my independance.
I just know it's going to be tough going.
I've lost alot of people this year, friends through death[suicide] or just from finishing complusary school. I've also abandoned alot in my need to be on my own alot last year. I'm starting to realise what a mistake alot of this was, I need to talk to people but then feel like a burden. I am in effect a burden to alot of people. I totally realise that, that's partly why I hate being around people when in a bad mood.. :/
I just think most people I know and espically myself need to grow up and stop acting like children. I have to face up to reality and they have to accept more people who aren't going to follow the set-standards. As Mrs Godsell told me Thursday,
"Amy, your really ill in a sense that most people can't comprehend or understand. It's tough, espically on you but you mustn't make yourself worse by constantly being as everyone wants you too. Be yourself, and you'll feel better eventually. You will loose people but maybe that's because they don't understand or because they see you as a liability."
.. I see myself more as a bloody pain in the neck half the time! ._.
I shall go now, am gonna waste more of my life on the internet before I get a chance to play xbox. >O<
But, on an ending note:
Dear all those who judge me.
To all those who think I see my life as worthwhile when I have plenty.
I don't. I'm grateful beyond belief about what I have. I couldn't wish for anything else. I love, admire and respect everything and everyone I have.
I just don't show my appreciation as much as I should. I know that.
It's something my congnetative behaviour theapy will aid me in.
So stop saying I don't care about what I have.
Amy.
 HoverCrab · Sat Dec 02, 2006 @ 03:14pm · 0 Comments |
