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We seem to be losing hope. This is far from happy.

For the second time in three days I had a panic attack in my sleep. It doesn't happen often, in fact I can't remember the last time it happened. I was very tired Monday, and shouldn't have gone to school, but I had to in order to be there for rehearsals. I'm going to be in the senior showcase. I'm going to be singing a "love song." It's ironic unless you know what song I'm singing.

I shouldn't have gone to school otherwise, but I did. I was tired, and still depressed from spring break. I couldn't focus, and if I wasn't so bloody tired everything would have set me off. I made it through the day, but I didn't participate much in any of my classes. Just sitting in for myself.

Rehearsals weren't bad. I'm in the show for sure, unless I can't find a costume in time. It ended at five o' clock. I thought Mom said she'd be there to pick me up at five, so I waited outside expecting her to arrive any minute. Five thirty came and I decided parents hadn't picked up the daycare kids yet, and Mom would be there shortly. I decided to wait.

At six I thought I should call home, just in case. I was locked out of the school so the only possible phones I could have used would be celphones belonging to whatever soccer mom was in the field. I couldn't bring myself to ask for help. I was too uptight from the day. I continued to wait until six thirty, when I had a panic attack. I had to hide myself. I was alone, despite having people around me that could help. I just couldn't talk to anyone. It would have been easy to just go up to someone and say, "Hey, do you have a phone I could borrow?" but I couldn't. I was ashamed of myself. I kept trying not to scream. The usual thoughts ran through my head, and they had a great deal of impact. I started thinking about people who avoid me, people who don't know me, who only understand that there's something wrong with me. I thought about how I don't know my friends anymore. I thought about how the only difference college would make would be the fact that I'd be surrounded by total strangers. This depresion won't have gone away by then. I'd be in the same situation I was in right there in front of the school.

Dad's house is pretty close to my school, but it's still quite a walk. Mom told me never to try and walk there if someone was late picking me up from school. I thought about going to Her house, but I didn't think about it for long. It was completely outta the question.

"Hi, sorry I abandoned all hope in our friendship. Can I use your phone real quick?"

The first few blocks to Dad's were the hardest. I was already having a pretty bad breakdown, but now I was breaking Mom's rules. I talked to myself the whole time. It was the only way I could avoid throwing myself in trafic or accidently walking off of the overpass. It's a pretty far walk. It doesn't seem like it when I'm in the car. I made in just under forty-five minutes by cutting through the Clark College parking lot. By the time I got there I was completely covered in sweat.

I overheat easily. It's a pretty big trigger for my panic attacks. That and sound.

It was almost seven, so Dad was home from work. Apparently Mom was getting worried 'cause I hadn't called yet, and told him to go to my school at eight to pick me up. Mom wasn't as pissed as I thought she would be when I called and told her I walked to Dad's. Now that she knows I can do it, even while panicking, she's not as worried anymore. I slept pretty well that night, but I was still tired in the morning. Still grumpy and depressed.

I had to leave class today, and ended up taking a nap in the healthroom. It wasn't very refreshing.

I'm paranoid about everything. I can't seem to trust anyone, and I don't know if anyone trusts me. I can't seem to do anything about my situation; yesterday proved that much. No matter how much I may want to talk to someone, I won't. No matter how much I may want someone to talk to me, I probably won't listen. I really am my worst enemy. We've been that way since sixth grade. Hell, maybe even sooner. I can't be a friend to anyone until I get over myself. I can't get over myself until I can be a friend to someone.

We're not giving up, we just have no solution, and as long as we have no solution things will continue to get worse. I won't lose hope though. As angst-essential as I am, I don't think it's possible for me to lose all hope.

I need something to do.

Correction: I need something FUN to do.

I guess we'd better get to work. We have a lot to do.

Things seem to be getting progressively worse. Nothing's really going wrong, but things just aren't happy.

Gad, I'm sick of being sick. I'm always sick. Well, I'm sick when I'm not feeling well. This cold won't go away, and now I lost my voice. Bloody showcase auditions are tomorrow and I can't speak, let alone sing.

I still hate going online. Something about it is really depressing. I need a hug.

I'm out of books now. I had this pile of books I've never read, and it turned into a pile of books that I have read. I need more books. I don't think I'm gonna be feeling better any time soon. My senior project is going to crap too. There's no time to work on it at school, and because of file transfer complications, I can't work on it at home without crashing the computer. I should just write in the Super Book of Doom until I have what I want and then work from there.

Now that I'm outta books I don't have anything to keep my mind off of bad things. I'm too sick to call up people to play with. I don't care if I'm still sick; I'm goin' to school tomorrow just to be around people. Someone jokingly said that I need to make friends eventually. It's true enough, but it's almost the end of my senior year of highschool. Krad, I don't even start collage until October. This is gonna be a really bad summer. Then I won't have a summer vacation for three years. It's a four year collage, but you can finish in three if you stay durring the summer term. For whatever reason I have to stay for the summer term or some of my financial aid goes away.

Gad, I'm depressed again. I hope I feel better soon. I need to do something next weekend. I need someone to play with. I did find out that a friend of mine lives pretty damn close to me. It's only walking distance on really good days, but it's not far enough that it's worth paying for a bus.

I'm gonna go write until Dad picks me up. Then I'll play EarthBound and hit things with baseball bats.

RAAAH!

I can't win! I can't bloody win! I'm sick of this! I hate this. I can't respond, and I refuse to, but I can't leave things as they stand. I don't even know how things stand! Maybe I'm wrong about everything. Maybe I'm horribly, horribly wrong. That's just my fault, isn't it? I can't trust you! I wanted to, I really did. Maybe that's just my own damn fault. Every day I think about you, and every bloody day my heart skips a beat. I guess that's why they call it "heart break." I trusted you, but there was also doubt. Maybe the doubt is my own weakness; maybe it's the only thing I have to keep me safe. It's not fair to either of us. I can't be friends thinking of what we could have been. I don't know who betrayed who, or if there even was any betrayal to begin with. For once things are working themselves out, so maybe this is for the best.

I hope you are happy. I don't expect you to forgive me for my assumption. Right or wrong, the point is that I assumed. I can't explain myself, and it's not like it would help anything anyway. I'm an a*****e, and I'll never be anything but an a*****e no matter how hard I try to make people happy. I'm sorry I failed you, but I need to keep running.

I've been afraid to go online. There's nothing to be scared of though, I suppose I just need to keep my head up. I've been doing very well over the last couple weeks. I've stopped taking my medication, or at least as much as I'm supposed to, and I'm actually happy. I've been sleeping fine and every day I'm in an awesome mood. Even rational thought can get me down. I keep thinking, "Seriously, what is there to be happy this happy about?" There's obviously something missing, and it bothers me every day, it just dosen't seem to have the same effect anymore. It makes me sad, but it doesn't make me miserable.

So, yeah, things are better. Well, they were until I signed on. I don't like going online anymore, and I really need to stop it. I need to check my email and get off as soon as possible. Just sitting here in the dark staring as this screen is enough to put me on the edge of tears. It's funny though, because I've been kinda scaring people at school. They're not used to me being happy and energetic, let alone for days in a row. Last week and two days before that: I've just been happy. All I gotta do is keep it up and things will be better than they've ever been. I know I can do it.

Fun stuff.

Yeah, well... I guess I don't have to assume.

It's alright though, as long as everyone's happy. I'll make it though eventually, but it may take a while. I'm home today. I was a little sick yesterday, and couldn't sleep a damn bit last night. I feel tired, and weak, and without focus.

I couldn't sleep, and I was really upset, so I played Sonic Adventure. It's kinda surprising how quickly that cheered me up. Maybe not, I'm kinda obsessed with him. Why shouldn't I be? He's my hero, he doesn't let anything get to him. I'd love to be like him, and because of that I'm probably closer to Tails.

Miles Prower was totally infatuated with Sonic (maybe not as much as Amy Rose) and he wanted to be just like him. After a while he realized that Sonic wasn't the hero he was thought to be, but Tails hung out with him anyway because he was still a nice enough guy. They're only a real hero together.
______________________________________

When all alone in my chair, I just go about wishing
I wanna be strong, I really wanna be trusted
When all alone in my bed, I just go about yearning
I wanna be cool, I also wanna be like him

But that's not something I can do so easily
This is not simply my way, my style
Gotta get a hold of my life

I wanna fly high
So I can reach the highest of all the heavens
Somebody will be waiting for me so,
I have got to fly higher

Gotta keep goin'
Everything is a brand new challenge for me
I will believe in myself
This is the only start for me

When all alone in my sleep, I just go about dreaming
I see myself there, having the same adventure

If I just follow you, I will never see the light
Now is the time to find my way through this life
I'm trying so hard to be strong

I wanna fly high
So I can reach the highest of all the heavens
Somebody will be waiting for me so,
I have got to fly higher

(Guitar solo)

Many friends help me out, in return I help them
Certain things I can do and there are things that only I can do
No one's alone!

I wanna fly high
So I can reach the highest of all the heavens
Somebody will be waiting for me so,
I have got to fly higher
___________________________

Have I ever mentions how much I love the way the Sonic Adventure theme songs fit perfectly with their characters?

I think I'm gonna stop readin' horoscopes. It's kinda funny sometimes, but right now just reading them makes me even more neurotic than I already am. I really don't want to think about what other people think, or think about them thinking what I think they're thinking. Sure I wanna know what's goin' on, but I don't think that's the way to go. I can't be suspicious of other people, not like this. It's fine to be cautious in regard to people I'm not familiar with, but there's just something wrong with what I've been doing to people I do know, or should know.

Sure I'm worried. I just need to trust that people will do the right thing. Trust is hard to come by; I've certainly learned that this year. I'm not worried about losing anything. I know things will work out one way or another, and that's not normally something I put faith in. Really the only time I think "Things will work out" is right after a panic attack, which of course means right after twenty minutes of "Damnit, why is this happening again? I'm sick of this! I wanna go home! I can't go home! What would Mom think? I'm so far behind! It's not fair! I'm tired of people telling me that it isn't fair, because I should know better than anyone else! I can't take it!" and so on.

I'm not the happiest person. I don't expect to be. I know I'm going to be in a constant state of flux for the rest of my life. I've accepted that no matter how hard I try I will always struggle. There are days I seriously want to kill myself, but I never have, and I never will. It's just not my style, I'm too damn stubborn. The last time I thought about it I didn't even think about the people I'd hurt. I thought about the people I wouldn't hurt. I thought about the people who honestly wouldn't give a damn, the people who haven't been affected by my awesomeness. I know I can do something good for people. So I just go back and forth between laughing and crying. I laugh knowing I'll cry again, and cry knowing I'll laugh again. I'll never get used to it. I'll never just treat it as a routine. I'm gonna keep on fighting no matter how pointless it is. I want things to be better, and despite the fact that I've accepted my best efforts never being good enough for anyone I keep going. Maybe I just haven't accepted it after all. I guess I see no reason why I should. Things can't possibly get any worse as long as I keep trying. Yeah, things will get bad, and completely unbearable, but it's not gonna stay that way forever. Maybe a really long time, but not forever.

I know I've posted this song before, but I've had it stuck in my head all year. I think it needs to be posted again, and once I figure out how to get it to play on my little Gaia profile page I will. It gets better every time I listen to it.

__________________________________________

Well, I don't show off, don't criticize
I'm just livin' by my own feelings
And I won't give in, won't compromise
I just only have a steadfast heart of gold

I don't know why, I can't leave though it might be tough
But I ain't out of control, just livin' by my word
Don't ask me why, I don't need a reason
I got my way, my own way

It doesn't matter now what happens I will never give up the fight
There is no way I will run away from all of my frights
Long as the voice inside me says go, I will always keep on running
There is no way to stop me from going to the very top

It doesn't matter who is wrong and who is right

Well, I won't look back I don't need to
Time won't wait and I got so much to do

Where do I stop, it's all a blur and so unclear
Well, I don't know but I can't be wrong

This fight is not for anybody, this is purely for myself
There is no way I'm gonna give up 'til the very end
I can't tell what is wrong and what is right, I've got to find the answer
But I do there's no way I will ever give up

Place all your bets on the one you think is right

(Guitar solo)

It doesn't matter now what happens I will never give up the fight
There is no way I will run away from all of my frights
Long as the voice inside me says go, I will always keep on running
There is no way to stop me from going to the very top

Well, we don't know what's going on. There's not a whole lot we can do, so we will wate. I need to write though, but there isn't much oppertunity. There's so much I need to do, and then there's the time I need to cope with whatever's going on. I need to write my bloody research paper, but I need help with it. I don't know what constitutes as research. Can I just read a story, like say, The Iliad, and then look at it and say what I think, or do I have to see what other people think? Yeah, I know it would help to support whatever I'm poking at to have another opinion to back up what I'm trying to prove, but is it nessicary? I can find stuff on Greek mythology, but what am I supposed to do if I'm looking at Spider-Man or Viewtiful Joe? Or the bloody Power Rangers? Wikipedia has some good stuff, but I can't just cite that because who knows who writes that stuff? I have a pretty well educated opinion as far as my topic goes, but I don't know where it all comes from. I grew up playing games, and in the last few years I've been getting into comics (especially Marvel's Ultimate line) and I just know stuff. It's pretty much common knowledge why people like Spider-Man, he's a dork. He's a complete and utter loser, and people can relate to him. Especially with Ultimate Spider-Man, I know that if I had those powers I'd act exactly like him. I don't know if I'd read Your-So-Fat jokes off of index cards in front of Kingpin, but I know I'd be spouting off oneliners while fighting guys with metal tenticles just to keep me focused and relaxed.

See? I can just talk about this stuff. I love to talk about this stuff. I could talk for hours about all things Spider-Man, and there have been times it happens and I have to stop myself before I bore people to death with useless comic trivia. It's just what I do. The other day I started ranting about how Hades really wasn't a bad guy, just misunderstood. That's what last-year's paper was on. It was a five page rant on how humans got their idea of what Evil is. I got everything from Mythology, to Fairytales, to psychology, and had fun with it. This time I want to write about how heroes have changed over the years, and the difference between dudes like Heracles and Ironman. I almost said Heracles and Wolverine, but there really isn't much difference. They're both assholes, but they're admired for it. Logan is much cooler though.

Damnit, I'm gonna do it again. I shouldn't do that. I won't stop. I'm not even that into X-Men.

Damnit... bloody PhotoBucket shrunk it down. Stupid jpgs.