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Woo, confessions:
NOTE:
This journal entry is for Ray, even though I don't think anyone else reads my journal.
but I dunno if he even reads it so whatever
And, for once, there will be no doubt as to whom I'm talking about in the following entry
JDawg Yoshi says:
he sez that you think hes not amazing anymore... (no)
Beautiful Mistake says:
whattt?
JDawg Yoshi says:
iano
JDawg Yoshi says:
xD
JDawg Yoshi says:
tis what he sez i guess... <:
Beautiful Mistake says:
Did he actually say that?
That upset me a lot, so now I must type a massive amount of text for you ainstakingly read.
Like, Ray (because I know you will read this for I will send it to you.... eventually) You are the most amazing person like ever... I just don't want to get hurt anymore.
mkay, this will probably like not make sense, but i usually feel an emotional longing... and it's usually for you. But on the trip half way through the bus ride it just stopped, and the pain of missing you like went away. And I kinda realized that loving you is pointless... like really loving you.
For the longest time I would be almost constantly thinking about you... And then you would be like 'Oh yeah, I'm bringing Chrsity to church" and that hurt a lot. On the trip I realized I just couldn't deal with it anymore. It hurts to love you and not know if it's requited, if you love me lots, or a little, or I'm like your sister or what.
I would've loved to have like actually dated you or soemthing, even through the internet, I would make it work. I probably still would love it. But I don'ot know if it's ever going to happen and I cant keep wishing it to. It hurts to have lost you first to a girl who wasn't real, then to a guy (who hurt you (and in result of that, me) a lot) and now to a girl who have liked for years or whatever and won't ask out. I don't want to be jealous of the people who know what it;/'s like to hug you anymore. I don't want to be jealous of these people anymore.
like I love you, and I think you're amazing. I just don't want to be the 14 year old girl chasing the 18(now 19) year old guy who (as far as I know) doesn't love her like that anymore.
I don't want to cry because of you every week anymore.
I don't want to hear stories from your life and wish I was there anymore.
And I don't want to feel like I will die without meeting you anymore.
I don't know, but something on the trip just like snapped this invisible obsessive thing realted to you. And for the first time in as far as I remember I went through a day without thinking about you once.
For you I have felt a greater desire then anyone I have met. But I'm guessing it's never going to lead to anything (Correct me if I'm wrong because it might make things a lot easier xp) and I don't want to deal with it anymore.
Blarga.
JDawg Yoshi says:
(7:52 PM) Vincent: I think Razi has finaly found me unamazing
I could never find you unamazing ray. And I feel like such a ******** a** for you thinking that on your birthday and I will do everything in my power to fix that.
Ugh anyway, sometimes I feel like you're stopping yourself from doing things or saying things that you want because you're worried about how it will affect me. I'm not sure if this is right or not, but the one thing I really want is for you to be happy. Know that always.
what I wanted to say earlier but couldn't was
Do you know why I've been pushing you lots to ask our Christy?
Well, it's so I can get over you...
I guess if you break my heart again I would get over you, but the trip kinda saved me... I know/knew I couldn't despretly like love you anymore, so I guess I thought if you had a girlfriend it would give me a very firm reason not to.. want you. She also makes you happy.
but yeah
God
When I cam on yesterday and kept saying I was confused, it was about what I feel for people.
Ben, the guy who I have liked forawhile, completely opened up on the trip... And for awhile I was like "OMG I LOVE YOU BEN!" And then he kinda wore off, and I realized I could/ would never be able to date him... But I really want to be his friend so I've been working on it lots...
I also guess that being with real people, and real guys helped unattach my affection for you... Flirting with them, and having them flilrt back and just being with guys helped... RJ also did too... One day when I was on the deck talking to him alone (phone) I compltely confessed soemthing to him, and his comment just brought me back to reality... So i don't know...
I don't know what to think, like what if you 'love' me too?
What if you only think of me as a friend?
Should I completely give up on you?
Or harbor some hope for an 'us' type thing to happen?
Should I still live you?
Can I still love you?
How much?
Who should I direct my affections to?
Who might return them?
For a week I escaped most of these, and kept my emotions in check for the most part. I actually managed to stay on a mainly friendly level with almost all of the guys except for a few... One of which I'm seriously ashamed of for ever thinking "I wonder if he..." becauise I knew the answer...
But I don't know... Most of the 'almost perfect guys' I find are on the itnernet.. And even then I don't know if they would ever like me on the same level as they do if I knew them in RL....
I'll shut up now...
But yeah, now you know like lots of stuff... And I still don't... And for once i will be brave and send you this link on an offline IM once I'm finished..
but yeah
I love you though.
And I always will, just in different moderations. xD
Don't worry, I'll straighten myself out this week and thingas will be back to normal. But I still intend to spend less time on the computer.. But that might changed when I get my laptop back xp
<3
 Razi Mysteria · Mon Oct 08, 2007 @ 03:39am · 2 Comments |
