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God, the last month has been the most wonderful thing ever, but the most confusing. i don't understand anything anymore...Lets see if you can clear this up for me. Now to take a little hike in my shoes and tell me if you can do a better job then me...

1)there is someone you have never meet before and you have not even heard this persons voice untill last night. You talk on threw text messages.
you sit there and hold your breath waiting for the phone to vibrate again just to read this person's text to you. but some times these text don't come fore hours at a time. this makes you sad and tears falls. which is odd because you can't remember crying in the last few years. but still your crying over someone you have not even seen, let alone heard. this person claims to love you very dearly, and you know you love them. you would be the perfect couple, except for two things of course. Your a guy who thought you were straight. He's a guy, you both found out recently your bi...and then of course for a guy this amazing...He's taken. go figure. So your in love with someone you've never meet, he's taken, this is flipping your world upside down because this means your bi now....that i could handle...just ride it out...

2)two of your ex's are coming back into your life. the one you don't want, wants you more then anything. but the one you need and love, couldn't trust you or love you ever again.they toy with your head, but that's ok because i have my text message lover. me and him aren't dating and doubt we ever will. honestly i don't think i need to get involved in his life because he has a relationship anyway which brings us to number three.

3)You love this person threw your little cell phone. this love....wow...it's something you never felt....it's almost like your first love..but you know it's not..there was someone before him. your ex who you love more then....hey pretty much anything...but you love your text message person. and you feel so lonely without him but even when he is texting you...it's not enough. you can't hear him, you can't smell, taste, see, or touch him....this is driving you crazy, so you decide that your going to go see him. drive out to where ever he is...you don't care how far or how uch money you have to spend, there is not enough money in the world to meet this person....but then you find out he has a special someone...he sits there texting how much he loves you all the time...he loves me more then anything...except his girlfriend...i'm always going to be second...you know that you could love him better and treat him better. you know you would die for him and never dream of betraying of him...but that's not enough...you won't ever get to have him, you want to get away so the pain will stop, but every second that you aren't talking to him your heart feels like it's dying...you don't want to leave him ever but you feel it's for the best. so you become selfish and stay.

4)the person you love next to him...she tries to talk you out of trying to see him...you know she doesn't want you to go because she still likes you. but you don't know if she likes you as a friend or more. most likely a friend. And even if she liked you more you know that you can't date her. you know if you date her you will just ruin her....and if you two even work out, she'll just get ripped away from you in a couple years when she goes off to a second college...

5)All this worrying about being love sick, your grades start falling and you start getting honestly sick....you can't deal with other people's problems anymore so you start dropping your friends....you just clam up and get out of everyone's lives...

6)the person that was dearest to you, your best friend. the person you knew everything about and he knew everything about you. the person you get caught stealing out of peoples houses with, the person you had a threesome with, the person you broke up with your girlfriend for so you can devote more time to him. you just lost him. you can't talk to him because he takes up to much space in your life and he never even treated you right in the first place. you want nothing more then to talk to him just one more. to hug him....to sit down and watch one movie with him...you can't because he hates you. He hates everything about you. He just uses you...

7)now you meet this really cute girl. you like her alot...pretty, funny, what else do you need...you want her just because you know you'll have alot of good memories with her, but you also know you have to leave in 1 month so you don't want to get close to her, but you can't help it

cool someone you loved very much in the past...disappeared. you unearthed her phone number 2 years without talking. you got into a huge fight the last time you talked...you decide to grow some balls and call her..tell her you still love her and want to see her. you call. her mom answers. you ask for her. the response you got?
"I'm sorry, but who is this?"
...
"Well...um...She's not no longer here"
...
"I'm afraid you don't understand. ...she's um...dead. when's the last time you talked to her? it's been a while"
...
"yeah, shortly after then...she was sick."
...
"I would really not like to talk about it if you can understand...i'm sorry."
....
"ok bye"

What hurts the most is the last words you said to her was "I hate you so much. why won't you be happy for me. I told you thousands of times i love you. i always will. but we never dated and i doubt we will. why can't you just be happy that i have a girlfriend. your a ******** c**t. i'm not your toy"

that hurts....that the last thing you said to her was that...now she's gone...forever..and to find out when you already feel so crappy...



all this stuff....just....there is to much going on at once..all this stuff just piled onto me in um...the last month....oh yeah...and i decided to quit smoking when right before this all happened...still haven't lit up...