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Indecision - same old rant about my life right now |
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Indecision gonk
My mother told me last night [shortly before I stumbled on a thread about the HBP trailer and watched it and sqweeed happily last night] that my grandfather is in the hospital again, this time the chief of staff is taking interest in making sure they figure out what is going on. Ultrasound was done, abscess on his liver, but as to why he hasn't been feeling well, they are not sure if it is that, or possibly leukemia or lymphoma. Parents were going to drive up early Saturday morning, as they don't get off work until about 4-5pm, and it is a 3-4 hour drive up.
Mother told me point blank last night that I can't bring my desktop up to Sudbury, and that can't stay at my grandmother's any longer than my parents are up, as "Nana needs her rest" and that I would stress her out more. Going up with my parents tends to be HUGE stress and tension.
Woke up this morning to note on the counter ordering me to be ready to jump in car to leave at 4pm, "in case we decide to go up today".
Meanwhile, partner was getting delivery of some furniture today, and I had mentioned that I would be willing to be there to free them up for elsewhere.
I'm feeling really guilty, as I still haven't shown him the images from our trip to Latvia last summer, want to get them printed or shoved into book form to show him, as I'm not sure which hospital site he is at in Sudbury / if the nurses will be anti-laptop.
In order for me to work with the images [all 12,000+ of them], I need to be able to focus and think.
Generally, my primary machine is my tablet pc --- 12.1" screen, video card and processor get really hot when using Photoshop for more than 20 minutes. As well, it only has a 60gb internal drive, with 5gb partitioned for a scratch disc, which lasts maybe half hour when opening photos up [as opposed to when I was working on getting cover design ready for press, where I ended up needing to close and re-open Photoshop every 10 minutes at most, as the files were massive]
Working on the small screen -- I tend not to get much done.
In retrospect, I was most productive on my mac in the past -- 17" powerbook, but only 2gb of ram in it, and it is a PowerPC processor. Running 10.3.9, so I can't install CS3 unless I buy newer Mac OS to install [and would have to run the trial version of CS3 until I cross-upgraded my educational PC license to Mac, meaning I wouldn't be able to use it anymore on the tablet or desktop machine]
Bigger screen == less having to tab between applications, more ability to just see everything my brain is currently grinding away at thinking about.
My desktop machine is pretty decent -- but the issue of not being able to curl up with it on my lap to work away sad I have a really, REALLY hard time sitting at desks, or even upright normally, due to back pain and stomach issues.
And carting the desktop across city just doesn't work, when I can't drive, and can't manage to carry tower + blue bin full of cables + monitor onto city bus and then make sure nothing gets damaged / stolen when I fall asleep.
I can't work on stuff at my parents' house - in basement, furnace room door directly across from my door, and my parents will not allow me to keep the furnace door closed to decrease sound level of the fan of the central air kicking on, the water heater, the water softener, etc. The air-conditioning unit is RIGHT beside my bedroom window, and kicks on frequently, even when they are not home. Adjusting the thermostat gets me yelled at, profusely.
Right now, I'm sitting with a pillow folded over my head, to try to block out sound, holding it to my head with my knees. My ears are bothering me tons the past few days, which has made being here hell when other people are home, in addition to the hell that is just the base level of the central air kicking on, and the electrical hum of the house.
And that's not taking into account the atmosphere of people being here / attitudes toward me / constant scrutiny of my decisions, thoughts, choices. Or the issues revolving food in the house -- my father is diabetic, my mother thinks she is fat but isn't, I'm allergic to a ton of food stuff [via skin test last November], but all the food is still in the house, and I don't remember when I'm walking around in zombie-mode, not to eat the stuff that I shouldn't eat. And eating the stuff I shouldn't results in more zombie-mode, meaning that it gets eaten again, and it is vicious cycle, as they are not willing to substitute for foods I can eat, and say "sit down, eat dinner with us, eat the pizza" when I stumble upstairs half-awake after a nap.
I need to not be living here.
But I don't have a way of doing so.
I've been really unhappy, and really out of it, for the past few months. As well, really have not been feeling well, and the game of waiting for blood tests to come back, waiting for appointments to come up, etc.
I know where I could get work done, and where I would feel happier, but I can't get myself and my stuff there, and I don't think I would be welcome there for the entire weekend, as both of us need space to ourselves at times.
And I need to find a way to use bloody computers - this laptop is focal point of all the things that are bothering me about my life, as it is the main way I communicate with the rest of the world -- and end up feeling like I have blinders on, due to only being able to have one window on screen at a time. But not being able to use CS3 on the mac, and not being sure how fast it will run, as my tablet is dual core same processor speed as the PPC processor, whether it is even worth buying newer version of CS3 for it -- but if feels like such a waste that the gorgeous screen just sits there, used only when I want to have it as a second machine to browse net, or camp on Second Life while doing other things.
At the same time, I need to get away from everything familiar in my life, to try to sort through all the stuff in my head.
This is really rambling, and all over the place.
What I really want to do is be able to terraform land in Second Life and play around with landscaping until I get sick of it. THEN, work on getting a book together of the Latvia images for my grandfather to be able to look at and enjoy, and then pull together the footage into a DVD for him [still kills me that I lost the edits I had done, too many external drives, swapping between mac and pc drives, and late night trying to make space on the tablet pc by off-loading files, and somehow I think I ended up deleting the folder with the Premiere project in it, thinking it was something else, or that I had it elsewhere].
But the fear that my grandfather will die before I manage to show him all the images, that I should have showed him before now -- it has nearly been an entire year. Pissed off at myself, that I get so caught up in being miserable, that nothing gets done, that I end up feeling stuck in this house, in my room, with nowhere else to go. That I can't just get s**t done.
And with Second Life --- need to own land to terraform land. Which costs money. The simplest route is caving in, shelling out ~$30 for three months of premium account fees, ~$90 to buy a parcel of land [but varies, depending on what parcels are being sold by whom for how much], and then ~$50 a month in land maintenance fees, in order to be able to get a sense of what is possible with the toolset, so that I can get it out of my head, and move on.
[As stuff gets stuck in my head. I KNOW that it is stupid. But from past experience, once something is stuck in my head, nothing else gets done very well until I deal with what is stuck --- think of a small child wanting candy -- you either give the kid the candy or the kid screams in the middle of the grocery store / mall, makes a scene, and not much gets done until the kid gets dragged out of the store or given candy]
The issue being that I have NO income -- the $150 in my bank account is all my money, period, aside from a savings bond locked in my parents' safe that they will not let me have access to, despite that it is what is preventing me from being able to apply for disability. Cab rides to campus cost me $45 each way, as my parents' live in the south end of Barrie in a new subdivision -- this is stuff they said they would pay for, but then hassle me about how much stuff costs when my credit card bill comes in.
I think part of the reason my brain has gotten so stuck on thinking about Second Life is the possibility to translate online currency into real world currency --- that I can create content for others, and get paid for it.
I want to build stuff, badly. sweatdrop
Sims 2 got uninstalled off laptop a while ago, due to lack of hard drive space [and it kind of kills the laptop]. Selling content to others made in the Sims 2 last I checked is illegal, unfortunately --- 'donation' and 'subscription' sites being a grey area that was still being allowed when I last looked stuff up when the Free Time expansion pack came out.
I would love to build environments on Gaia, but the only tool-set available to us is our Home, which is a small space [and that the store hasn't been updated in a while for housing items]. But I mean build, as in, spaces that are useful and will be seen by others, interacted with, and derive some income from.
Brain stuck on money, as money is the way to be able to get out of here [my parents' place] and be able to start unraveling all the s**t in my head, to be able to start living my own life. I'm 24, ffs. Problem with jobs - no one wants to hire me when I shake like a fiend from my alertness meds, or have an employee that nods off randomly while working.
Basically --- everything in my life is the same as it ever was, same rants, same issues, still stuck, haven't moved forward, haven't moved onward, just kind of slowly body breaking down and gathering dust.
I hate when I end up ranting/whining about stuff. It pisses me off to read afterward. But I think I end up worse when like right now, I haven't written anything, anywhere about stuff in months, writing is kind of carthartic, but somehow writing in Notepad and saving it on my hard drive and never telling others what is going on, never seems to make a difference. A friend said that I'm looking to be saved --- I don't think I do, in terms of I want to claw my way out of here, and not feel indebted to others. I wouldn't mind being pointed toward jobs that would take me, opportunities to make money -- but I don't want to be saved in the sense of someone coming along, transplanting me out of my parents' place to a place of my own, job, everything just *poof* amy has a new life -- as it isn't real, and doesn't happen, and it would be the same as now -- others having control over every aspect of my life, rather than me finding a way to create my life.
tldr; -- I know. Writing too long, need to stop writing. Been type-type-typing for the past hour, wish-washing over thinking. Grah. Okay, amy get up, shower now, just take off -- but if I do that I can't work on stuff, as I don't have the files on my hard drive. *head desk* I have to think too much to do anything, what I need to bring with me, what I am going to do, etc, etc, etc. ******** gonk I generally just fall asleep in the middle of trying to think anything out, trying to plan.
And that's not even touching on my thoughts skipping like a record -- I start a thought and then it is gone, when I'm not typing out stream of thoughts -- talking out loud is impossible, as I just can't concentrate of what words are coming out of my mouth.
OR the stuff in my life that I can't talk about, at all.
Insane dreams past few days. Feeling of not sure what is real, as they feel more real than reality.
Some days I am fine, productive --- I got the book cover done and ready for press, and I am REALLY HAPPY about that. It feel really good to be stressed out and bending myself out of shape over worrying about it, pretty much avoiding thinking about myself / my life.
 amalyn · Fri Aug 01, 2008 @ 05:00pm · 0 Comments |
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