I still can't help but feel responsible for someone very near and dear to me almost dying. I love her to bits...and it hurt so much giving her up. I cried for hours. She was my first, and she'll always have that.
I didn't want to give her up. But I...got scared. I got scared of the future. Me, a fortune teller. A diviner. A witch. ..afraid of the future. Yet I look into the future of others.
I..like leaving what's likely to be my future to be left alone. Keep my future a mystery to me. Even if it hurts.
S... I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. You go through enough s**t. And yet, I hope you'll still talk to me. Even if it's just as a roleplay partner. Even if it had to be strictly a "Hello, how are you?", business type of talk. Please...don't throw me off to the side. ...then again..it's probably exactly what I deserve.
I..I still feel mad sometimes. That night she did what she did...you spent the night drinking pina coladas and watching Final Fantasy: Advent Children. You're not even legally old enough to drink, damn it! (*sigh*) It hurt...honestly..I felt like I got ******** abandoned... Sitting alone in a dark room, crying, talking to you. I'm bawling my eyes out, and you're more concerned with what's playing.
But...even if you hate me...at least acknowledge my existence with a 'hi'? Or, even saying exactly that - 'I hate you'.
...I just want you to be happy...
E...
Like I said...I still can't help but feel it's all my fault. You say it's not, but the timing...the timing doesn't help. It hurt so much giving you up. And I can only hope whoever comes along next will make you happy. Truly happy. Even if that happy isn't with me. Not just smiling while you've got cuts on your wrists.
(And now I'm ******** tearing up at the computer. Fail.)
Please...don't hurt yourself anymore. The world will do that for you enough by itself.
I know it's hypocritical - Telling you not to hurt yourself, when those thoughts are going through my mind right now.
I mean, I do it to Ladonna too, and she gets mad.
But I haven't tried to actually kill myself yet. Sure, I've thought about it. My first visit to NYC, I wished I could have just 5 minutes alone at the very top of a building, to see if the drop might just spill my blood into one glorious mess on Broadway.
...I can't help it. I want to yell at you. You say it's a dumb idea. You've tried it before. More than once. But why do it, then tell me not to do it?
And you said it'll destroy everyone's lives... and maybe it's true. Losing you...and then almost losing you in a different way..all in one night...I can't remember ever crying so much.
You say to come to you if I feel sad...and I asked you to do the same.
You didn't.
 SuperOtaku · Sun Aug 31, 2008 @ 02:16am · 0 Comments |
