So things are rough for me. Not in the sense that i lost my job or an getting kicked out of my home, or that bills can't be paid. those sorts of things are going smoothly. Just mentaly I'm broken. like always. but much more so at this point in time. not much to say or do either. Its just what happens. Life just goes on even if we say so or not. People we love come and go, sometimes come back but not always in the way we want them to. Is it really better that way than nothing? I'm not sure. Perferably I'd rather not speak to a few people cuz of the mental pain, but they helped shape me and my veiws. I'm thankful for that, even if I had made mistakes. Its sorta better anyway.
I sit here in my room alone as I always do. Normaly I'd be fine, but right now, i can't stop thinking. I can't stop thinking of a love that we used to have thats gone and slowly fading away on my end. Like I've said before I knew this would happen from the begining. I always knew we would end. I just didn't think it would take 5 damn years. It angers me and it saddens me and yet I'm fine with it all. I just want it to be over with so I can move on. So i can forget for awhile like i did with my ex fiance. So i can just go drown out my pain in icecream and cheese cake and live in my dark cave like I've wanted to since you came. I'm going back to my hole and no one will make me come out of it.
I'm thinking of going away for awhile. not forever and not for yrs, but just for a month or so. i'm tired of the drama and having to deal with plus my own. I can't fix things and no matter how much one talks to me my answers will be the same. The same as when you first brought it up will be the same as the last time its talked about. I need to worry about whats going on for me right now. I'm loosing my post that keeps me from falling and I don't know what to do. What did you do Tom? You know what I'm talking about. How did you go on? Thats right you found Brandi. Now I'm in the shoes I had left you in so long ago, but you recovered. What do I do? i have no anchor, and the one I have is leaving and the next on.... he's so far.
I've decided something. I'm not going to even try anymore. If a guy is interested ok, if things happen ok. But I'm going to stop thinking about what I want in life cuz there is no point. In relationship wise. I'm just going to go with the flow and let things happen as the come. i'll keep working and living and enjoying my friends. thats all I really need. I don't need a husband or a child or a house somewhere to call my own. I don't need that. I'm tired of my brothers having things that I can't get. I had no prom, I had senior pics. I had the worst highscool life compared to thiers. I'm not letting anything else happen first. Sorry jennifer and tony, but you get married before I do, i'll loose it. oh god will I losse it. And if my brothers have childern before me, even if i plan to adopt.... I can't think about this anymore. It hurts. its not fair and it hurts. I'm being selfish but I can't help it. the one things that I've wanted in life they got. you probably feel the same. I'm sorry.
I'm such a looser! I have nothing gong for me. I had one thing that made me so happy and now its slowly drifing away into an endless ocean. I'm so lost in the darkness. I'm always lost, but before i had someone to guide me, even if it was just a little bit. Now whats left. My friends of course. I thank you all, oh god do i thank you for being my friends. You all mean so much. I don't like to complain to you, but your not enough at this time. I can't cuddle with you guys. Ya we have lightening fast scissor sessions but thats all just fun, lol. I need someone to hold me. I need someone to touch me. Its not the same from a friend, I do appreciate it but its just not the same.
He says he's going to visit me soon. I can't wait. I'm scared. We have never met in person. Were you scared, tom? when you met brandi? at least she was close to home when the 2 of you got together. He's so far away. He means so much to me and I never met him face to face not even once.
I don't think that breaking up with sean is what hurts, I think that knowing I'm alone again is what hurts. It scares me. i love to be alone, but completely alone like this again, I scare myself. I'm afraid of what I'm capable of when I don't have someone to cuddle with. I'm afraid of my own mental pain and how i like to deal with it. No matter there. I'm not as stupid as I once was, and even if i am. it will just be something small. no hospitals this time around.
I'm fet up with life and how it makes me feel. i'm not like some people and alot alike like others. I constantly feel sad, lost, annoyed, confused, frustrated, lonely, ashamed, and guilty even if nothing has happened to make me feel this way. I feel that everything that goes on in my life and everyone i know is in one way my fault even if I have nothing to do with it. I constantly feel like I should be sorry for something. Most of the time, its for nothing. I hate feeling like I've done a bad thing or like I'm a horrible person. I'm tired of not knowing why I feel this way pretty much all the time when I really have no reason for it. I know I'm a good friend and that people like me for who I am even if I'm not perfect.... I know i'm not perfect! I know that. But why is it that when things go wrong for me, and I take a good look at it, it ends up my fault. I'm sorry I kissed another guy Tom. I'm sorry I doubted your love Sean and I'm sorry I subconsciously pushed you away. Hey Jason, your an a*****e and a jerk and i just used you. And conald, i thought you were the one person not related to me and was a guy i could trust. Oh and larry, date girls your own age, no means no. Eric, why are you a p***k? we used to be best friends, I ruind that with a kiss... Heh, willie, all I can say is you better not break her heart, you'll be a dead man. your lucky you didn't get that far with me. not far at all.... lol
hmmm I think i might be done ranting. i have better things to do other than complain about myself and the things around me. I need to think positively and keep my mind on good things and not the bad. its so hard tho. So hard when the sturdy part of me is weakening. its only getting weaker as the days go by with no cigarettes. But soon i'll get stronger in that area. I'll be smoke free. I promise on my grandmother's urn. I might slip in a few month from now, from stress that already expected to come, but I'll get over that bump in the road and it will only be a slipp. nothing more than a slip. Hmmm.
I'll keep my mind on good things. like my job and my friends and my family. I'll try not to let little things bother me. And i'll think of a special person when I need to, even when I really don't need too i'll still think of you. You mean alot to me and someday i'll see your face in person. Someday. You listen to me like I need to be listened to. You care for me the way I think I need to be cared for. You understand that I hurt so much inside and you don't blame yourself for it. Thank you. Your the first man who has understood that much about me and still cares. I dream of you in my sleep and while awake.
ok i'm done witht he ranting. off i go
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