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Once again I have been on an emotional roller coaster for which there seems to be no operator. I fall hopelessly in love and the feelings dart back and forth between, blissfully happiness, to suicidal depression, to suspicion, jealousy, and at the end of the day...loneliness. sad My tie with said person in previous entry, who I thought I would never hear from again, was once again tied right back to me. I was very happy about that. Clearly I am never gonna get what I want from said person and my heart has branched out looking for what it wants. I have seemingly stumbled upon what I thought was a bit of fun, into a relationship of sorts. The more a learn about this said person the more I like. Although trust and jealousy seem to be our Achilles Heel at the moment. Said person has trust issues with me, which is understandable. I didn't think we were as serious. However said person offered what my heart has always wanted...commitment and love. I jumped at this like so quickly but I don't regret it. Said person no longer need not trust me. I am all his if he wants me. Problem is men are men. I do play dumb, but I see through lies better than anyone. I see through people. I see everything. I am unsure if he actually wants me or if he is jealous and possessive for its sake. The thought makes me ill because I don't think I have ever asked for much. If you don't want me tell me so. I feel like I will be told any second "I have no desire to be with you" and in fact I already feel this heavy, acidly, penetrating hurt...heartache. Its the worst hurt ever and I hate it. So hopefully, this won't prove to be me thinking with my lonely desperate heart...even though I know it is. I just want something real. heart

Until then I have friends and ties to people that keep my lonely desperate heart afloat. Ties I can't say good-bye to until I am sure my heart is safe. which it may never be. stressed

GLA heart


Peace