*sigh*
Death. Tis something we shall all have to deal with one of these days.
I think that if someone one told me that they knew how I would die, I
would tell them not to tell. I see it as kinda a surprise, one that I
don't want to be ruined. I think that It would ruin life if you knew
everything about your own death. You wouldn't ever be able to enjoy
life, always worrying if you have everything in order? Did you do
everything you wanted to? That wouldn't be any fun at all!! The first
person close to me whose death really affected me was my Papa. It kinda
freaked me out at the time. For a long time I would go into long
periods of depression that no one else knew about because, being a very
closed person, no one ever thought twice if they didn't see me slipping
through the hallways. I went to school came home and then locked myself
up in my room. For the longest time I was very afraid to die,
especially alone and uncared for, but after a lot of pondering the
meaning behind why all good things must come to an end I finally came
out of my room and prepared myself to face my life and one day my own
death. I've lost many close friends and relatives sense that time and
even though I've come to terms with it every new death takes me by
surprise. Some deaths I have dealt with have not been in the physical
state though. I consider every friend that I loose, a death of part of
me. People that hurt me or make me feel insignificant are death dealing
blows that I feel very deeply. I know that you never really get over
death but you learn to live with it and that is what I have done. But
even though I have come to terms with the fact that those that I love
are going to one day pass on and leave me I don't not feel remorse and
sorrow at their passing, I feel all of that along with a kind of
hollowness like a piece of me has been taken away and wont ever come
back and I know that that piece missing is the one who has gone but
there is never anything to fill the void that's left even though I try
with my smiles and my laughter. It's never enough so I overlook it and
try to forget it but then something always brings it to the surface
again I feel the pain of emptiness even more keenly than I did before
and it bothers me to no end that I might never be able to get ride of
it no matter how hard I prey to god to take it away and make me feel
better and whole and happy.
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