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It's odd how the later it gets, the more you start to notice things about stuff you never thought you'd notice this late. But I'm beginning to notice that the later it gets, the more acute this feeling of lonliness I have gets. I wish I had someone curled up in my arms or that I was curled up in someones. I wish there was someone out there who wanted to be in mine. But there's not and I won't deny that I mildly hate everyone who does have someone. I'll admit to being bitter and jealous. I've gotten used to feeling this way actually. I'm just getting sick of it and with my recent decision to remain un-scandalous, it makes me wonder if I'll ever have someone who loves me. I'm not that unloveable am I? I mean, fine, there's more interesting people out there. Lots of them, but isn't there one person who thinks I'm interesting and worth trying for? It's kinda why i hate EPBOTA sometimes. She attracts people so effortlessly and when I'm with her, I might as well not be. No one would miss me if I disappeared while she was around. They'd probably prefer it actually.

Everyone I meet, they notice someone else first. When I'm with Lauren, they notice her first. When I'm with Katie, they notice Katie. It'll really kill your spirit when it happens. Katie or Lauren will be talking to someone who doesn't even seem to notice I'm there. So I just stand in the background, trying to disappear because I so desperately want to. I want to just disappear. I don't want to feel so god foresaken unwanted! What is it about me? Why can't I be open with people? I've never been hurt before so why do I act like someone betrayed me and broke my heart? Why am I so petrified of falling in love and yet want it so badly? Why don't I trust anyone? Why can't I trust anyone?