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I'd like to be mad at you Opal. It'd be so much easier if I could just be mad. If I could hate you and want to never see you again and our friendship could just die away. I could just hold my head up and act like nothing bothers me and that I don't care. But that'd be a lie. That'd be me forcing myself into something I can't do, and I won't do it.

I couldn't hate you if I tried my hardest. I can be irritated with you and want to strangle you, but I could never hate you. There was a time when we were like sisters, so close that Amethyst even thought we were actually dating when she first spotted us sneaking over to Chastin. Where ever one of us went, so did the other. We did everything together. We talked like everything was simple. We talked about nothing. We sat on the grass in the sun and listened to Juno when the world seemed overwhelming. We swooned over Howl and Zero and argued over who was better. We stayed up late talking on AIM, sending each other completely random and pointless videos that left us laughing so hard we could barely see. We created our own little secret world and went hunting for the boxes when the teachers threw them out. We were together every day and felt weird when one of us was sick. I'm not sure if you remember those days and I'm not trying to sound all reminiscent or anything. It's just how we used to be and I do sorta miss how we were. It seemed simpler back then.

Junior year isn't some big complicated mess. Once you get the flow of things, it's pretty simple to keep your head above water. For a while, I thought I understood, but I guess I was wrong. Some boy, someone we hung out with on a daily basis, fine, but not someone our world necessitated, came into our circle. I was annoyed for a bit. I'm not good at sharing and preferred to keep you to myself, there's no point in denying that. But I refused to upset your relationship. You were happy and even if it killed me every second, I would rather drown in it then tear that happiness away from you. If you think I led to Sam breaking up with you, then there's nothing more I can do to convince you otherwise. It's the truth that I didn't encourage Sam to break up with you. I told him to leave you alone where my feelings were concerned and why would I ask you if I could beat Sam up the night he broke up with you if you two breaking up was what I wanted in the first place?

Honestly, you saying that you don't know for sure if I care, that you're debating if I do or if I lied, it broke my heart. I've never cried that hard in my life. I could barely breathe last night. My hands were numb from the shaking and my gasping for breath. I've never had a panic attack, but I'm pretty sure I came close if that wasn't one in entirety. I'm not sure if you know me enough to know it takes a lot to bring me to tears, but after reading your last journal, I couldn't seem to stop. Lauren had to come over and my mom had to lift me up to force some water down my lips. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. You're angry at me for a reason I can't decipher and I know you're not going to feel sorry. I really don't care if you do. I just need you to understand what happened so you know why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Had you seen me before school, you would have seen the full effects of your message. Lauren and Andrea came to get me this morning and even Andrea could see the pain on my face. I caught sight of myself in the mirror and nearly cringed: I looked so broken and angry and depressed and miserable all in the same moment. I think it was the most hideous I've ever looked. I couldn't believe it. At school before the first bell, I pulled away from anyone who asked what was wrong and stared at a book through all of first period. Second period brought Kayla and Kyle and random jokes that distracted me enough to push my hard feelings away from the present. I buried the pain away. Years of practice and I'm good at putting on a happy face.

So when I bounced happily through the computer lab at snack and lunch, I can only guess that you thought that nothing was wrong. I must have looked like nothing had happened and that I was as happy as ever. I'm a good actress. I don't like to let other people worry about me. I don't like to let other people know something's wrong. So they don't see it and they assume everything's fine, even though it's not. Even though I'm lying. A fake smile can convince a lot of people that your world's filled with rainbows and smiley faces.

I sincerely wanted to hit you today. Every time I saw you, I just wanted to slap you. I want to hit you for not looking at me, for not thinking I cared, for thinking I get a power trip out of watching you be miserable, for everything you won't tell me, and everything you did that left me crying last night. I won't apologize for what I said. It needed to be said by someone. Anyone could see that. Sympathy wasn't working. You stayed stuck where you were. I'm sorry that I had to be the one to tell you the truth, even if you didn't want to hear it. I'm sorry that I broke your trust, though I don't know how or why, but everything I did, it was in an attempt to keep us friends and to keep us together. You weren't talking to me. You're still not. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I've lost the will to care.

What really hurts the most is that the one person who would do anything for you, the one person who at a time would have died for you, killed for you, stolen gems for you, it hurts to know you don't trust me anymore, that you think I lied when I said I cared. I didn't, but my feelings aren't there anymore. What you said can't be forgiven. Whether you said it in anger or were perfectly calm and meant every word, what you said is too much even for me. I'm sorry that I couldn't help you through whatever it is you're going through. I'm sorry that you don't trust me enough to tell me what's wrong. I'm sorry that you'd rather suffer alone then reach for someone else, maybe in fear that they'd let you fall. I promised you I'd never let you fall, but I can't hold you back if you want to jump.

So, I guess we're done. Seems odd that our friendship could be shattered over a boy who doesn't really care about either one of us. We're not fighting over one. One of us doesn't feel like a third wheel. One of us is just stuck and the other doesn't have the strength to keep attempting to pull the other out of the mud. I can't keep doing what I have been. I just can't. I don't ask for your forgiveness or your understanding. I don't think you're capable of either. I don't ask for anything besides your acknowledgment that I tried and that I cared and that even though you broke my heart, even though I feel like this is a crappy reason for our friendship to end, even though if I knew how to make it better I would, I will always and eternally love you, as a sister will always love her sibling no matter what.

I guess there's nothing else to say. I just came to say Goodbye Love, goodbye.
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