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we lived with my grandparents when i was in sixth grade. i played Micheal Jackson to irritate them. i am very good at repressing that awful year but i remember that the other day. good repression because i had completely forgotten. all urges to rebel ceased once we moved out and did not resurface until junior year of college when it did not matter. there is so much that i would love to forget. sometime i feel like i am trying to forget most of my life.
yesterday i had lunch with my mother and grandmother. a painful experience. i figured out after my grandfather died that i do not actually like her. since we frequent the down town as often as possible, not as often now in this economy, my mom introduced my grandmother to the proprietor of where we had lunch. the proprietor exclaimed "three generations! do you have pictures?". uh i think we had pictures taken when i was four. we sat down and my grandmother said that her sister has four generations. i could not believe it. well it is not going to happen. unless she lives old enough to see her ten year old other grandchildren have children she will not be getting any great grandchildren from me. i am still trying to adjust from saying i am too young to have kids, since actually i am not.
she ordered food that my mom and i knew she would hate.
then there was an arts festival down by the river. it was in Riverside Park. a park that i knew very well. it was a beautiful day. i had no clue we knew so many people. we would wonder by and see someone. someone had created a temporary walking labyrinth. so i walked it and got to the center and walked out. i could not take the running commentary of my grandmother. my mom was like hey you did not finish it. so i knew did reach the epiphany, just as well because i probably would not have know what to do with it.
i wanted to dive in to the Delaware. the free bridge glinted and the sun off the water and i felt sad. we used to live down town and i went to that park a lot. i never go not that i am twelve blocks up into the west ward. even when i go down town i do not go there. when i was upset i would go and cry. at night i would go to watch the lights and stars glint off the water. i would go just for that bit of green. i miss it and that was quite noticeable yesterday. i used to walk all around down town when we lived there. i do not like walking around up here. too many kids know me and to many thugs scare me. there is nothing pretty to look at either.
my grandmother just kept saying she had not been down there in years and she had no clue that it was so nice. i patiently told her all they have done to keep down town nice and functioning. on the way home you could tell right away where down town ended and west ward started. two bike patrol policemen were out. they were stop by the school...on the north side of my block. one was on a red cellphone. i am assuming that was not police issue. they were there for a good twenty minutes as my mother and grandmother looked at the stadium mural. they were there when we left. why do we not see them on the south side of the block? i wonder how much they were paid on there sunday beat? considering bike patrol is over time and it was a sunday afternoon.
where am i? other than where i live.
i feel all out of sorts. i just want to hide away. i am so sick of everyone! go away! leave me be! i feel like i can not breathe anymore. nothing is where it should be. am i where i should be? the light is weird. so where....where.....i am here but where are you?