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So there I was after the youth service was over. My friend Christian was busy talking to his other friends and I felt so alone. So I went upstairs to talk to Jesus. It turned out to be a good idea. I told him all this stuff from my heart. How I'm so confused by the fact that I find myself having a crush on someone else almost every day. How I would like to talk to this one friend about all that other stuff, and how I love him for the fact that it's really Jesus shining out of his eyes. I adore the way he smiles at me and for some reason sometimes just touches my arm or leg by accident like that. The guy himself looks rather... not so interesting. I don't know... He's got the most beautiful dark eyes ever. They just shine, but... I don't know how to put it. It's not his outsides, not his character that's captured me. It's more the fact that he's not an empty shell, not about looks - he's so pure in his own way. It's what's being filled with the spirit must be like. Loving and caring for the people around him. He just listens to them. And it makes them feel better. It made me feel alot better before.

But my life's a jungle. I lost the stability of a permanent relationship and so my thoughts are going rather crazy. Any dude that's even remotely nice to me could probably score right now. Which makes me angry at myself. I told Jesus that I really want to become so determined about my call to be a missionary and love him instead of wasting my emotions on all these guys. I want to take my mission to the level that my relationship with Thomas was on. To give up everything for it. But I just can't do it. I want to be someone else but I'm so caught up in this little me that's afraid of other people's reactions. So I prayed. I said goodbye to Christian and left. I walked through the cold really slow and just talked to Jesus. I told him all this stuff. How I wanted to be someone else. How I want to dedicate my whole existence to him. But it seems that the devil's got his own ways of keeping me from living that way. So just when I was almost at the station, my train left. The next was scheduled to leave half an hour later. But I wasn't sad. I talked to Jesus some more and I felt at ease knowing he heard me and was by my side. It seems like the thing I constantly need to be told by him is that I'm save with him, that he sees anything I do and that I do fit into his plan. He's always there, protecting me and making it so that my life is slowly turning into the right direction. He'll make it so that I'll always be alright. He just loves me that much.

So I stood at the train station and it was cold. Then this guy showed up - he must have been the age of my dad - and asked me when the next train would arrive. I told him that there were still 10 minutes left. Then he went on asking if I knew where to find an ATM because he needed to buy a ticket. Well, I instinctively know my way around the city center, but describing how to get anywhere is totally not what I'm good at. So I offered to come with him and show him, and when he got all embarassed because he didn't want to put me into that situation of possibly missing my train (again), I just said "Let's go!" and went. He couldn't believe that I'd do that for him. Well, I just laughed. I didn't see the problem, really. So he said that his name was Andreas (I think, I'm so bad with names) and just when we'd found the ATM, the train passed. So we were stuck to wait another 20 minutes. Since he was cold (I really wasn't anymore at that time though) he invited me to a cup of coffee. I ordered a cup of hot chocolate instead, which was awesome. We talked for a bit, and he was pretty embarassed by the fact that he was sitting there with a girl half as old as him. It was funny though. We talked about this and that. I knew that I was fine because Jesus was with me and he would protect me. All the time though, from the first moment on when I had offered to take him to the ATM to the time we sat in that restaurant I felt this really soft touch - like that one friend sometimes touches me with the tips of his fingers, almost as if unintentional - to talk to the guy about Jesus. DAMN! AND BEING THE LOSER THAT I AM, I NEVER DID!!! I'm so mad at myself! It was the perfect opportunity of doing something for the Lord and explaining my rather unusual way of offering help to a stranger, but... My lips were sealed. I'm such an a**. I'm just so damn angry at myself! I'll pray for him though. Maybe God will give me another opportunity to speak with him.

Forgive me, Jesus. I really wished I was better than that. sad