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Entry #1
April 4th, 2010

Dear Journal,
I want to know who I am.

Everyday for me is a struggle and it seems to be taking me nowhere, as if my life were a game of Tug-O-war between two boulders. I feel sad all the time, and if it's not sadness it's anger. I just don't seem to ever enjoy life. There are times I feel great and I want to believe life is amazing but then something always hits me and I'm back in my regular moods again. I don't want to be this way. I just don't understand why I am the way I am. I tell myself to be positive and that things will look up in the future but the thought never lasts. In moments after telling myself something positive, the negative feelings kick in again and I feel depressed. I want to so badly to just be a happy person.

No one seems to understand either. I am trying. I do try to be positive and look on the bright side of life, but for some reason I just can't no matter how much I push myself to see something good. Everyone tells me to be happy, don't you think I want to be? I'm happy when I'm with some of my friends, but not all the time. I feel alone and misunderstood, and everything starts to build up as time goes by.

I have prescribed medication to treat depression after they diagnosed me. I've been taking it ever since I was seven and it has seemed to help as I was growing up despite not having an apatite, which is still occurring. I just wonder why all the time, why won't this unhappiness go away?

Last night I tried to sleep, but I just had nightmares again, and tonight I didn't bother trying but ended up crying for no reason. This isn't normal. I hardly ever get any sleep and when I do, it's always nightmares. I guess I'm just afraid of missing life, it seems to be going by way to fast and I want every minute I can get, But when everyone else is sleeping I feel empty. My biggest fear is to be alone.