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I know this is usually something you'd hear from an old person that's lived life and is at the end of their days, and some of this you would probably say it's from the point of view of a suicidal person. I'm starting to feel the same way as both of them.........

I'm honestly tired.
I'm tired of living.
I'm tired of the pain.
I'm tired of my life.
I'm tired of the pressure I'm under.
I'm tired of the expectations and the fights.
I'm tired of getting in trouble for saying things or doing things wrong.
But mostly, I'm just tired of fighting with all the problems in my life.

I just want to sleep.
I just want peace.
I just don't want to fight anymore with my life.

Is it wrong to feel this way ? Or is it normal ? I'm not sure.
Though, I'm sure that if I was to die today or even died in my sleep tonight, I doubt I would have any complaints or regrets about it because I would finally get to sleep.

I'm also tired of being a coward.

I've thought of killing myself, and have gotten as far as writing a note, but I've never done anything beyond that because I'm a coward. I think about ending my life quite a bit at times, but I always come up with excuses as to why I can't take myself out of the picture.

And it's not because I believe there's a God.

I'm not religious or superstitious. No one has ever proved there's some almighty force that created everything. Even with the "proof" of the Bible, I don't believe it. I just see words written by a un-named man who had nothing better to do than make up stuff to write in a book and then make everyone fear said book. Even though I don't believe it, I still respect that other people do. So I keep my opinions to myself to save me the hassle of fighting.

And even though I don't believe there's a God, it still makes me wonder what's next after I'm dead.

Is there an afterlife ? Are we reincarnated ? Or are we just put in the ground to deteriorate and rot ? In a way I like to believe we're reincarnated. The reason I say that, is because I'm deathly afraid of heights, yet I've never fallen or anything from a great height. At times, I dream of things that seem like they're memories, yet I don't recall ever doing that particular activity or they feel more like a movie because everyone is running around in clothes from a different time.

But then I wonder if I'm crazy.

Perhaps I'm crazy, or mental as some would put it. Maybe I'm delusional or something. I don't know. Maybe my dreams or fears are telling me I'm crazy, or I need to quit watching movies that are based on things from the past. Who knows.

Of course the past can play a big part on the future, by coming back to haunt you.

We've all done something we're not proud of, and I'm no different. I've said things that I wish I could take back and I've done things I wish I could do over. Yet, the more I think about it, maybe it was a good thing, those things have happened.

And if they hadn't happened, I might not have had a few good memories to take with me to the grave when I go.

Even though I have more bad memories than good, I still have a few I wouldn't trade for the world because they're special to me. And even though I tend to forget certain things, there are other things that I cling to, in order to preserve certain memories and special occasions with people I care about.

And at times, I can't figure out why the people in my life put up with me.

Seriously. I'm obviously messed up, yet certain people still love me and others continue to tolerate me. I honestly don't get why they do that. It's obvious I'm crazy, yet they put up with me, and there's no reward for them in dealing with me.

Maybe I'm lucky to have caring people in my life.

Or perhaps I'm just kidding myself with wishful thinking. I've got bad luck and I'm like a plague. Not only do I bring myself down, but I tend to bring others down as well and even if I was lucky for having caring people in my life, I don't get what's so lucky about it. Some of them aren't always caring towards me, even though they probably do way down in the bottom of their heart.

While I'm on the subject of hearts...

Why do people love you when, your heart is broken to the point that it's a struggle to love them back with all of your heart ? I should know the feeling. My heart has been broken for many years, and it's not because I've dated that many guys either. My heart has been broken by actions, none of which were my own. It's been broken by the loss of people and in some cases, pets, I love.

So childish.

I know. Getting brokenhearted over pets seems silly to most, but you wanna know something ? My best friend when I was really little was a Golden Retriever my family had. Too bad someone cut his life short. That pretty much scarred me for life. And another fun fact about me ? My childhood sucked.

Great another sob story.

I know you're thinking that I'm a whiner and complainer by now, but I don't care. My childhood sucked. I'm not going to give you all the details, no matter how much you bug me about it. All I'm going to say most of my childhood was spent being a walking pincushion for doctors due to some stuff that if I told you about it, it'd make your head spin.

My life has sucked from an early age.

Unlike most little girls, I didn't get to sit and play dollies with a neighbor's daughter. Hell, my neighbor's girl was a little older than me and never really wanted to play much, then again, it's kind of hard to set up play dates when you're being whisked away to get poked and prodded by doctors every few days. I didn't get to play much or be rambunctious like most kids. I had to learn to behave, be quiet, and to sit still at a very early age and because of that, I still occasionally play with toys even though I'm pretty much all grown up. Maybe I'm still a kid at heart. Who knows.

I've had to grow up quickly.

Which is why I feel tired of life, like I was saying at the beginning of this. I've had so much happen in my life starting at an early age, I feel like I'm 90 instead of 19. And to think I have how many years to go before I'm likely to die an old lady ? Too many to bother counting.

I guess I'm getting wore out.

I never get a break from my responsibilities and it's taking a toll on me, which is the reason behind the tone of this entry at the beginning. Not only am I getting wore out mentally, and emotionally, but also physically. I had a mishap when I was younger and it has lead to back problems for me. In several moments of klutziness, I've sprained my right knee several times which has led to occasional problems there and I've sprained my right ankle too, which causes problems for me as well.

I'm soo tired.

I don't sleep well at night anymore and very seldom do I get decent rest, which doesn't help matters much because it makes me a touch more irritable at times. Things that annoy me don't help either.

Wow.

This is really weird, yet nice. When I started writing this, I was super depressed, and now, I feel a bit better. I think I'll do this more often and stuff. I was going to set this to private, but I think I'll leave it to default settings. Normally I don't write my thoughts or feelings down or share them with anyone other than my best friend and boyfriend, (Yeah, they fall under the category of "I can't figure out why the people in my life put up with me." wink but maybe someone else out there is having the same thoughts and feelings as me and will benefit from reading what I've written or at the very least benefit to this little wall of text here. Who knows.

A new best friend.

Perhaps, I'll make my journal my new best friend. I know, no matter what I write in it, it won't judge me, like people will more than likely do reading my entry or entries. Like I said. Perhaps I'm crazy, but then again, who's to say we aren't all crazy and most of us are afraid to admit it ?