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I am so sick of it. I am so sick of people talking down to me like I don't know anything. Why do they do it? I am also sick of being SICK!! It seems like as soon as something gets better something else fails!! Then the thing that got better returns! I'm trying to be strong mentally about this, but does anyone care? NO!

The straw that broke the camel's back was today: my friend came over and we started talking about disability. She doesn't have it, she works, so I already knew she kind of didn't understand. And I say, "goddamn, I can't wait until I have disability so I don't have to worry anymore." and she goes: "people with disability aren't on a permanent vacation, Vi." Like I don't know s**t! I got so mad I wanted to kick her out! You think I don't know people on disability have things to do? I go to doctors at least 3 times a week, I am sick 24/7, I have depression, anxiety, and paranoia. I can't work. I just want to not have to worry about making rent from month to month, not have to worry about DSS suddenly cutting off my money for a bullshit reason. Its not like I can just get up and get an 8-hour per day 5 day a week job and work for my money! First of all, no one would hire me because you have to tell a potential boss if you are ill and I am so ill that sometimes I wonder if I will survive the night. If these sound like excuses to you, then ******** YOU.

No one knows how it feels to be at my volunteer work and suddenly fall against the wall because you get a weak attack and worry about being discovered before it passes. No one knows how it feels to suddenly wake up in such agonizing hip pain that you're screaming "GOD, KILL ME NOW!! KILL ME, PLEASE!! PLEEEASE!!!"

I wonder if it will ever be over. I wonder if I'll ever get these health issues under control and be able to pursue my dreams. If I knew I would, I would try so hard to get there. If I knew I would never be free, I would kill myself right now because there's no point.

There's a shining light, though: Melmels. Melmels and I get closer every day. She wants me to eventually live with her, and I hope it works out. God, I want her to take me away from this worrying life. I want to live with her and do house chores as payment and try to get into her college. I just want to be happy and not have to worry about the goddamn landlord barging in when I'm in the bath, about scary strangers knocking on my door at all hours of the day or night. But, I also don't want to be a burden on her. I don't know what I'd do if I caused her worry because of my illnesses. I don't want to cause her to worry if I can't get out of bed.

I just don't know what to do. Its one day at a time. Some days I feel like I have nothing to offer, that I'm just a lump of disgusting flesh that shouldn't be alive. Other days I have all of the confidence in the world and want to give back with every particle of myself. I know I am a good writer, whether that be of songs, books, whatever. I know I have things to contribute to the fashion world. But will anyone ever take me as seriously as I take myself in these things? Its not looking that way. Mostly its, "oh, you do arts? Cute (: " ******** that >.<