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As I'm typing this. Deep down. I think I already know the answer. I'm an idiot. A jerk. And most of the time, I'm a d**k. That might be blurred out due to sensitivity on gaia, so let me rephrase. "And most of the time, I'm a male penor to people". For no reason. I'm a coward. I'm a wuss. And everything I did, shows that of an immature child that hasn't grown up yet. I'm scared. I'm alone. I don't have anybody to talk to..Mainly because I'm just immature by deleting people without a care, not letting anybody get close to me. I have to come to terms that nobody really cares for me, and the only person that do is myself. I have to stop being such an emotional girl by letting my feelings out on here, and hoping that somebody reads and listens to what I say. For somebody to come "rescue" me. I don't know what love is. I don't believe I have ever experience true love. I say that, because I'm too immature to know what love is. And I don't deserve to know how that feels like. I look back, and geezus I was such an a**. The douchiest d-bags of the unlimited levels. Feeling sorry for myself....Haha. That is one of the things you NEVER want to do...Feel sorry for yourself. By doing that..Your just being a spoiled brat that is seeking for any kind of attention...Ugh.

I play too many games. I talk to people that play too many games. Sometimes I get bored easily, and I just leave. No second chance, no trying to put effort into anything, I'm at that stage in my life; where, I'm not even looking for a relationship. I have to put my s**t together first before I look for one. And if I DO look for one..It wouldn't be on here...I've grown too old to be looking for it on here. Only those weird creeper ***** do that on here. I don't want to be one of those no life guys that do that. That's just..No. I'm a hypocrite. A huge hypocrite...Now let's talk about other things. I'm feeling too down. And I'm feeling like being brutally honest right now. To myself at least. People that I care about on here. The past, the present, and maybe even the future. And if you don't read this, hopefully you will someday....Some day.........Let me name them, one by one.

First of all. Sopia. Your an AWESOME person. And I'm really happy for you. Like, I'm not saying that just to bullshiet, I really am happy for you. I'm so glad that you got such an awesome boyfriend. And that he's around your age. You know how we always talked about that. And I'm happy, that he makes you feel happy. I might even add that I'm a little jelly too. But mostly happy. And I was a bighead thinking that you were going to come back and get close to me again, but we're just friends. And I would never do such a d**k move by doing anything to you and Keo. He have a badass name...Or nickname. Lawlz. Point is, your awesome. And I love you for that. In a friend way. As in, I love the type of person you are. Not the romantic 'I want us to get together' type of love.

Second, would be Emily. I really cared for you. And you got to be one of the closest person(s) to my heart. I told you some stuff that I never tell people. I told you how I felt when I felt vulnerable, and you didn't attack me. I even went as far as buying you a gift. I miss you as a friend, but I can never forgive you. Like I said in previous journals, don't talk to me again; ever. No matter how close we were..

Third, is Ryan. One of the peoples that I rarely wrote about. Rarely..I think I meant never. As I look back, I don't see me mentioning you in any of the journals that I posted. You might have accomplished the goal of being the closest person to me...Ever. But your not a reader. And you barely read essays. Let alone read journals. During the time that...We've been together. We've done a lot of things. Perhaps YOU were the only person that knew some of the most personal things about me. We had fun. We did some crazy s**t...That we will probably never tell anybody. Things that, we might keep as a secret until we die. It was crazy how much I loved you. And I don't regret loving you one bit. Because of me being such a d**k, I pushed you away..Again. I felt like we were fading away...And I would rather the pain of me ending it out of nowhere, then the pain of us just disappearing..Maybe I should've been mature and just told you straight up..But I cared about you too much to see you hurt. So I never told you, and just tried to disappear like the wind..I'm sorry. I hope one day, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I know I was a d**k to you, very severely. And I don't deserve you. So I hope you stay awesome like you always do, because your badass. :]

Emma, emma, emma..Dorky smile emma. Dorky dancing emma. Your crazily weird. And a major dork. Patrick stump fan, and a geek in a way. I can usually have a pretty good read on people. But you, your a little confusing. Sometimes, I don't know if your trolling. If your being genuine, or if your just being highly sarcastic. But lately, you've been a great friend. And it's crazy how you supposedly read all of my journals. You weirdo. Haha. You have a sense of humor only to yourself. Which is very unique. You care. At least, that's what I think. Your weird and tell me strange things. And I think you have an infatuation with bugs. Which is even more weird. But your awesome. And I always get into a better mood after we talk about some random stuff. About how hot some guys are, our exchange in music, and you just being weird. LoL. Your probably a little surprised that I wrote about you, but these few weeks. You've been a closer friend to me than you really think. And I appreciate that. Thanks dork.

Bellz. I don't know if you still read. I don't know if you still listen. I don't know if your actually living in Vietnam. Or if your living in Australia. Your one of those people that I couldn't really get a good read into either. You kept coming back. No matter how hard I pushed. And when you stopped coming back. I realized..How much I took you for granted. It's been, how long? A year now? Since we talked? Time just seems to fly...I didn't think I was going to care this much about you. But hey, after all this time, I guess I really did. And I wish I would've told you. And I'm sorry for being such a bad person to you. I really do. See, you weren't the only one that I was being a d**k to, their were others. I'm sorry, and I hope you read this.

Mai. Well, I can care less about you so you can just GTFO. At one point I did, but now. LoL. Bye. Just bye. Just bye, go away.
Well, that's about all I wanted to let out. I was listening to some calm music, so now I feel calm, collective, and clear minded right now. My conscious is clear, as they say it. It's late, and I know I haven't wrote a journal in forever. How long? 3-4 months? Oh well. I'm writing one now. And this ending is a bit rushed because I'm feeling good and calm right now, and I just simply can't be ******** with to be sad and depressed and to put my words together to end this in a orderly fashion. SO. Thank you for reading...And next time, I promise I'll write sooner. It wouldn't be another 3 months..Sorry for making you read through all of this retarded vulnerable guy stuff. biggrin

Again, thank you for reading this essay of feelings. Sincerely..The one and only. Zay.