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This is hard to write. Mainly because when I think of myself and how I want to be, I don't think of myself as lame, depressive, or tasteless. So admitting that there might be something wrong, is difficult. I can do it in my head easily enough but when I have to project that outward is when it becomes difficult. Right now, I'm depressed. I say this lightly because I don't think it's a depression that will last once I get home. It has to be the deployment and being stuck in an office full of people I hate and I can't even leave, can't escape, can't sleep. Day after day I have to go back and repeat the verbal trauma of being near those people. I keep getting asked when I'm not in a good/happy/cheerful on the outside mood if there is problems with my home life. In my head all I can think is, "No ********, it's you and this place. It's my "work life" that is the problem and you won't do anything to help me." I've thought about visiting a psychiatrist but the process to get to see one is where I'm halted at. I'd have to see a priest first and I'd have to tell my NCO's. But they are the very people I don't trust enough nor want to talk to about my problems because they are causing the majority of my problems to begin with. Then there is the whole priest thing. I don't feel comfortable talking with a military chaplain nor do I expect them to be sworn to privacy the way a real priest would be. I don't want to talk to them about my problems. They aren't medical doctors.

If I really think about it, I don't even want to talk to a medical doctor because I feel really stupid. I've already been embarrassed and ashamed enough as is on completely unrelated notes when dealing with my supervisors that I'm pretty unwilling at this point to talk to anyone. My non-confrontational side that peaks only about 10% of the time is really holding me back. I'd rather keep it inside. I'm not a self-destructive person but I feel really dark when I'm at work and for about 2 hours after work. It takes those 2 hours to calm down and by then, I still haven't satisfied my urge to be awake and get stuff done that I need to do or even just sit around. By this point it's already late and I have to be at work only 9.5 hours later and I haven't even begun the process of winding down and what not.

Also, thinking more about why talking to someone in the military is a bad idea is because of the amount of rumors that go around. If even one person knew, everyone would know and besides that, it would stick with me the rest of my life, branding me for whatever I am worth. If I moved to a new unit and we were to deploy, my issues would be brought up. I'd probably still be deployed but all of my NCO's would be discussing it and they would all know and look at me funny. There just isn't anyone I can talk to that I'd feel comfortable talking with. I don't want words of pity on how things will get better. I don't want the words of someone telling me not to commit suicide. I'm not going to even if the thought has crossed my mind. I'm morbid so of course it's crossed my mind a few times. I even have a bruise fetish when I see bruises on arms or legs. I'll always be living for the metaphoric tomorrow, when things will get better. Maybe one day I'll be able to speak up and talk to someone and maybe they can fix me. Maybe it is all just deployment stress from being cooped up with complete retards. Maybe it'll all just go away. Just Maybe.