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Patience is a virtue I have never been good with. Although, to be honest, I have never really been good with any of them xd
The following is me ranting and bitching. Nothing more or less- I just need to get it out of my system so that maybe my brain can think of a solution or something.
I have been offline a lot lately - trying to plan a strategy for getting out of my parent's house and subsequently, taking charge of my life.
For those of you who are just tuning in, Amalyn is:
- 22
- has narcolepsy
- has not had a job since 2002
- spent earnings from 2002 on her first digital camera
- has enough money in bank for her education
- education savings are under control of parents (only fraction is in my name within a registered education savings plan)
- money came from sale of grandmother's estate after death - verbal promise, rather than written in will
- father behaves as if I am still 12 years old
- parents live 2km off the bus route
- terminal to transfer busses to get to college / art gallery / shopping centers is a 55 minute bus ride
- being in sunshine makes extremely drowsy and need a nap
Primary goal: moving out, as well as getting control of my money.
It has been somewhat eatting my time and attention lately- I have been staying with friends as much as possible (no internet access though), and coming home to parents' to get online assignments done.
Fear of bieng disowned, and loosing the money (enough for me to finish this certificate and start on a Bachelor of Fine Art degree) - my doctor refuses to start the process for applying for disability support (i.e. money for rent, food and other basic needs), as parents have not yet disowned me. Essentially: I need to be living on street before he will start application process, which is problematic in that I will not have a mailing address, phone number etc to be able to correspond and respond to the board deciding whether or not I am in need.
In other words: everything seems dire and dark and sucktastic. I know the sun will come out at some point, but sitting and waiting is just not one of my strengths - my entire life since late 2001 has felt like a waiting room- anticipation and frustration, and never sure when I am going to be able to get anything I want to do accomplished.
I have found friends who are supportive and understanding - but are students, on OSAP (student loan), and working butts off to pay their own rent. I can stay for a while if I am disowned, but I feel bad, as I know they need money etc, and here I am, being a whining brat about having to be an involuntary hermit and put up with my parents in order to keep funding for my education available.
And then, of course, there is the whole "omg, wtf am I going to do after I graduate?!?" I would love to do conceptual and experimental work, but I need to grow up and find something in the realm of a steady job - but again, the narcolepsy rears its head. I stay awake for approximately 4 hour spurts, and then desperately need a nap for an hour or two. When I have less than 12 hours of sleep, I am irritable and foggy. In other words: my sleep needs and a normal 8-hour work day are not compatible.
The dosage of my meds got cut back last week, as my hands were shaking something awful, jumpy as all get out, etc. Although the dosage was making me able to stay awake and focus a lot easier (i.e. half hour nap every 6 hours, and only 10 hours of sleep needed).
There is no easy solution, nothing worth doing is easy, etc all come to mind. I'm sure the sun is going to bloody well come out at some point, I just need to wait for it.
..Oh, and the disowned bit: more probable if I take the only job I can find- exotic dancer downtown. Not the most wholesome or healthy of jobs, but its money and would let me pay rent. I need out of my parents' house, as its just not a healthy atmosphere psychologically. And it makes me incredibly awkward / scare models off when I approach them or try to do a shoot. sweatdrop
 amalyn · Wed May 31, 2006 @ 07:33pm · 0 Comments |
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