Is something I am and will continue to tell myself about this whole bloody internal affair of mine. It's because that's the reality of the entire thing; I hurt you and burned you very badly. I get mad and upset, wishing we could talk out my actions under the pre-text that I love you... Only to rope you in again to do the same painful stupid s**t I did before. Of course, I don't do this on purpose (though it feels completely as it is and that is justifiably understandable) but it just keeps happening.
It becomes almost a revelation to me that you are right, as if you were ever wrong, that we will most likely never ever be together again or ever see each other again.. And I've grown to accept the reality of the case at hand because this is really all my doing. So what you didn't voice your feelings and pains straight forward? Would I have really changed my actions and what I've done? I'd LOVE to believe I would have... But my history and even right now... Would say otherwise.
... But I don't lie when I say I do love you. I mean that with all of my heart and I can't change that I'd still want to wait for you and be with you... Yet I know that it won't happen ever. Sure, you could come back into my life and we could hit things off amazingly so... However, you and I will always remember my misdeeds and the horrible things that happened between us. At that point of time, you'd have someone who'd be giving you everything I've always promised you I would have... At that time, you'd be just checking up on me as you always have and I would know much better than to reach out for your hand once more...
Even if things could go back to the way they were
I missed my chance to have you as mine forever
And I only must suffer for own actions.
You're going to be a stronger woman from this. You'll know what you do and don't want from someone in the future. You'll know to speak your feelings and concern loudly and prevent such events from ever happening again... And I would have been the cruel teacher that had assisted you in your lessons in Life.
I don't cross my fingers hoping you'll call me the next day. I shouldn't pray anymore that you'd give me a text message asking to talk again anymore. I will be happy to know that you'll be living your life, happy and free, from my own twisted life. Maybe when I finally conquer these impulsion and horrible choices that I make... Maybe then Life would rejoin us... But even then, I won't ever have another chance to ever be with you..
Knowing this won't change that I'll still dream about you.That I'd still want to try and make things work out because... I still love you and want you. I just... I just always know better than what I act upon. And I know that it won't ever happen again...
I've lost that chance
