I'm really confused and...slightly worried. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to being the person I was before I met him. Sometimes I wish I didn't need him, and he didn't need me. Sometimes I want our lives to return to how it was before. I'm scared to feel things. I doubt. What if all he's saying is just the same bullshit he said to the others? What if, in the long run, I realize I don't want to marry him, but I still want to be with him, as lovers, but not get married right away? Would he understand?
Earlier I found myself thinking,
I, for some reason, miss my old pain. It's familiar. I was never one to be happy, and I'm just not used to this. It's not only scary, not only unfamiliar, but to some extent, unwanted. Though some of me wants this happiness. For me. It thinks I deserve it. But the rest of me wants this happiness so that when it all ends I'll be in even more pain. I'll never be happy again. Isn't that the way I like it...?
Does that make me weird? I'm so confused. I really don't know. I would give anything to not hurt him, but I really don't know. I love him, that much is true. But I'm just...confused... emo
 Godxeala · Thu Jan 25, 2007 @ 12:47am · 0 Comments |
