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Yay, I get to sit on my a** again at home. Moving out of my parent's place was an excellent decision, as I no longer have to put up with their s**t nor the s**t of others in that ******** of a city. California's a much better place, and even better, the Bay Area, where a good chunk of my favorite Thrash bands are from.
Unfortunately, I get to miss half of the bands that are playing shows because 1.) they're not all-age shows 2.) heard about them last minute, or 3.) I'm going to be in Missouri before said shows play... great. Can't get a job because the economy sucks d**k, no one's hiring, and of those who are, no one wants to hire someone for half of the summer anyway. ********.. I'm volunteering at a summer camp as a councilor. Woot for resume shinies... and hopefully I'll meet some people within my age group. Living with my godparents (senior citizens) and my uncle (who doesn't get out much) limits my ability to be able to meet and chill with people around my age.. therefore, NO social interaction whatsoever. *sigh* ... and it is because of this that I remain glued to my computer with nothing better to do then lounge on gaia, talk to friends long-distance, and organize my ridiculously cluttered music collection. I do believe it was my father's intent to have me stay here over the summer to keep my away from my "bad influence" friends... unfortunately I don't turn 18 until October so whatever he says still technically goes. (which is BULLSHIT!)
Possibly the worst part of my situation is that because I have so much free time on my hands, I'm forced to sit and think about things I don't want to think about. Past events from my personal life that I'm not too fond of, to put it in the most polite terms.. and questions of future events or appointments dwell above my head. What's college gonna be like? I'm gonna be in an all-wimin school.. PMS is gonna be hell... I probably won't have any time for social interaction at ALL, even with bitchy wimin who I don't particularly care about anyway.
My mind is full of stress and anxiousness. I want so badly to pursue a good career, please my family, and to start a family of my own. I find myself constantly dwelling on what I want in a man, and how/where I would meet said man if he exists, what he looks like, etc. I hate that whenever I do meet someone worth paying attention to, he's usually just another a** hole who sees me as nothing more than a piece of a** that likes metal music and plays guitar. Or worse, a really good friend that I consider nothing more than. I'm so sick of being used and lied to, but because of my recent past I have grown to not trust anyone anymore. I'm frustrated with myself because whenever I do meet a guy with some possible potential I immediately don't trust him.. and the more I let myself be around this person, the more I let my guard down little by little.. and the minute my guard's down a wee bit he shows his true colors and I back the ******** out. I hate how I fantasize about "the right guy" and "what my family will be like one day;" I feel like I'm being a naive little kid... yet I can't help but question what life has in store for me.
And in my loneliness I am forced to ponder still, deeper thoughts. Is there a God? Does the theory of a Holographic Universe really accurate? What is the emotion of love, and hate? Why do I feel the things that I do, yet do nothing about them? What can I do? Am I not but a box inside a shadow?
I have no idea. But it's 2:45am here, and this only killed so much time. I'd go to sleep but I've been having a hell of a time doing that lately. Bleh, guess I'll surf the forums some more. wooo.
 xX megathrash Xx · Sun Jul 12, 2009 @ 10:47am · 0 Comments |
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Journal? really? wtf am I supposed to do with this??
emo
xX megathrash Xx · Sun Jul 12, 2009 @ 10:17am · 1 Comments |
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