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Dinner With Ashley
By; Jenn
“Ashley, honey, I need you to make dinner for us, I’m going out for a while to find a new story for the magazine I work for.” Says Ashley’s husband Michael, (yes, surprisingly, she’s married, amazing Huh?) “But…but…remember about those other times? We had to move around, 8 different times!” Ashley complained. “Yes, yes, I know, but you know what they say…9nth is the charm!” He said, trying to sound confident with a charming smile. “Nuh-uh…the 3rd’s the charm, and we passed that 5 times ago! Don’t leave me with…with…Th-the VEGETABLES!!! *dramatic background music* You know they hate me…IT’S A COSPIRACY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Ashley screamed at the top of her lungs, making their house rock back and forth. “I have faith in you, you can do this…I’ve got a good feeling about this time.” Michael reassured her. “Oh….Ok…if you insist, I guess I’ll try.” Ashley said as she put a pot on the gas oven, upside down, with no water in it, expecting it to boil with the gas on high.
“That’s my girl! But…uhh…Ashley, dear...”
“What now?”
“The pot’s upside down.”
“Oh…”
“And you need to put water in it.”
“Oh…”
“And you need to turn the gas down before you burn something…like yourself”
“Oh…oops…GOSH DARN IT!”
“Alright, now that you’re off to a good start, I have faith in you!” Michael said, winking and walking out into the garage only to called back in by; “Michaaaaaaaaeeeeeeelll!!! The stake is broken; I can’t cut it with my knife!!”
*sigh* “Honey, those are chop sticks.”
“Oh…but…but..”
And that’s not steak, dear, that’s asparagus.”
“ASPARAGUS!??!?!!?!??! NO!!! NOT AGAIN!!! IT TRIED TO KILL ME TO DEATH LAST TIME, MICHEAL!! HOLD ME! I’M INTIMIDATED BY THE VEGETABLE’S EVIL AURA!” Ashley screamed, louder than ever.
“Ashley, wait for the water to boil, then put the asparagus into boil.” Michael cooed, gently.
“OK……I guess I can do that.” Said Ashley. “Ok, good, now I need to go.” Michael said, kissing Ashley on the forehead. “EEEeeeeeee…..!” Ashley squealed happily.


--------------------- 3 hours later------------------------

Michael walked in the door, exhausted after going to so many different places to take pictures for new articles to put in his successful magazine. The lights were off, he heard faint scuttling in the background. NO was his immediate thought. GOD NO! He reached for the light switch only to find, an empty hole where the outlet and the light switch itself USE to be. “Ashley, honey, you haven’t been interrogating the lights again, have you? You, know, lights are a good thing…it’s fun to see when I come home.” Suddenly, a siren blared and a search light landed directly upon his face, blinding him. “MICHAEL!!!!! DUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” shrieked Ashley as a ninja throwing star stabbed a piece of rogue asparagus to the wall. Then, she relentlessly opened fire with her M16 upon the poor little veggie. “Michael is mine!! You cannot have him you silly good-for-me veggie!!” suddenly, a helicopter with pretzels as pilots scooped down to rescue Michael from the peril of the good-for-you veggies, and took him to Ashley’s base. “Ashley, honey, have started WWIII? Again?” Michael looked around, almost afraid of how bad it’d be…It was worse than ever before.
Tables were turned on their sides, bullet holes, broken pretzels, and dead vegetables littered both the tables and the floor. The Kitchen fan had so many bullet holes, it looked like Swiss cheese. But things were hanging from them, one of the bigger ones looked like the light switch and the rest were asparagus with little evil facesdrawn on them. Every tile of their kitchen had an intricate booby-trap that went with it. The air had grey smoke in it, there were signs of Hydrogen Bomb explosions and radioactivity all over the walls. Innocent fruit was dead on the floor, either from the radioactivity, H bombs, or cross fire, we’ll never know. Ashley’s base was lined with barbed wire, a 6 foot trench was dug around it, barbed wire was on the other side of the trench, a electric chain link fence was after that, then poison spears, and guard dogs, and guard cats, and even guard hamsters surrounded it all, foaming at the mouth, and hungry for some evil veggies. But at the center, guarding Ashley, were the biggest pretzels he’d ever seen. They were bigger than he was! Oh yes, she could make HUGE pretzels but not a simple casserole.
“Sweety, maybe we should order Chinese..?” Michael suggested feebly, “NOT A CHANCE!!!! THEY’RE COMMUNISTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET YOUR ONLY WIFE KILLED AND THEN SOLD INTO SLAVERY!?!?!?!?”
“No…what about pizza, love?”
“Pizza..?” Ashley repeated quietly
“Yes, harmless cheese, tomatoes-“
“TOMATOES!?!?!?!” Ashley screamed as she cut him off.
“Shh!! Shhhh…The bread makes the tomatoes good, remember? We love those little turn coats!”
“Pizza…” Ashley squinted, “It’s not a trap, IS IT!?”
“No, I married you, why would I set you up with the asparagus?”
“FINE! Pizza it is...” Ashley pulled out a remote, clicked the “Pause” button, and walked calmly across the floor on now neutral booby-traps. Michael followed reluctantly, grabbed his keys, and drove them to AJ’s to enjoy a nice evening of pizza…partly without sauce for Ashley’s veggie problems so she’d not start a war in AJ’s.

The End
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