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I've lost track of how many times I've said that to people today, mainly my grandmother and my dad. I told my grandma about me being bi last night over AIM so I wasn't quite sure of her reaction, but guess what? She didn't take it well. She seems to think I'm broken or something, or going through a phase, or... I don't even know what she thinks. She doesn't approve. I know that much. I sat across from her and she basically tried to talk me out of it, like I was deciding to get married or something. It's not like I wanted to be this way. I really didn't. Why would anyone? Life's hard enough as it is. But it's like I was telling her I was thinking of doing something reckless and she thought I could be just led away from it. There was this horrible pleading in her eyes, like she was begging me to take it back, begging me to say I'd been teasing her and that it was a cruel joke. I feel like I'm breaking her heart and I don't want to, I swear I don't want to.

She thinks I need therapy or something. Maybe she's hoping I just need to talk to someone, like all the pressure in my life's finally overwhelmed me and pushed me to think I'm bi. I told her about Opal and me being in love with her and she thought I had a girlfriend. When I told her Opal's parents just told her to tell me the truth and Opal told me she doesn't have feelings for me that way, she said "Oh, good. Good. I'm glad." I swear to god, I froze on the spot and just blinked at her. My eyes nearly burned with the amazed hatred I was shooting at her. She was happy that the person I was in love with, would jump off a cliff for, would do anything for, she was glad that person didn't feel the same way. She was glad because at least it made me look straight, at least it made me look normal.

What did I do wrong? Look! I'm sorry, okay! I'm sorry that I'm like this. I'm sorry that I'm causing all this pain and confusion. I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect daughter dad and grandma thought I was. I'm sorry that dad seems worried about me not having grandkids now. I'm sorry that grandma seems to think she did something wrong or that I'm broken or that there's something wrong with me. I'm sorry that I'm causing Opal more problems by being in love with her then Pyrite ever managed to cause. I'm sorry that there's a part of me that I'm more comfortable telling my friends then I am telling my family. I'm sorry that this points out the major flaws in my family. I'm sorry that this made how much I need my mother more apparent just at the time when I feel like her boyfriend's taking any chance I have for her to notice there's something wrong. I'm sorry that the night Opal rejected me, my mother decided to yell at me for shooing away her boyfriend, even after I told her about Opal's decision. I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect mold for a daughter, the one everybody wished they had. I'm sorry. Okay? Did I make up for it yet! I'M SORRY!!!! crying cry