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It's been three days
and the stars have never shone so bright.
They do nothing for me.
It's amazing to see the sky so lit,
full of hope and childish fantasies.
But this does nothing for me.
For when I look up to that sky,
my heart feels the emptiness.
In the middle, where it should shine brightest,
is my missing moon.
The light of my life is gone.
I am a lunarian,
a sweet lunarian,
and I need my moon.
Please give it back.
It is my grounding and faith.
It's like looking in the mirror without a reflection.
Like milk without cookies and love without kisses.
I want my moon back.
Please give it back.

I know I'm fragile. I'm vulnerable.
And I won't admit it if you ask me about it. I won't admit to why my eyes are so puffy and why I've been taking walks late at night and drinking soda all the time. I won't tell you how I'm trying to fake it. I won't let on to how I'd rather be hyperactive than feel this sadness. I don't want to cry.

And in these moments,
where time moves so slow,
waiting for the energy to kick in,
I think about you.
The paranoia, so intense
that you'll leave me
or get bored of me-
just like that.
I can't take it,
that you don't confess
wanting to possess me
or plan seeing me again.
I honestly won't feel suffocated.
I wish you would try.
I have to actively ignore you
and tear my heart apart
so that I don't ravage you
and force myself upon you.
But that's just until the energy kicks in.
Then I'm fine.
Everything's fine.
And I'm busy again.

And I hate how moody I am from these damn pills. They gave me a period anyway, even without the white ones. ******** em. I want to stop taking them cause I know it will stop them but then I won't be able to have sex and I'd really like to try that. I really would.

Ha. I was thinking a while ago, I was right about our bet in High school. I knew I wouldn't be the first to have sex. I think I predicted that I would be the last and as far as I know, it is true. I know that Tj has had sex. I believe Brooke has had sex and I'm betting Ashley has had sex. So then, I'm right. Aren't I? I'm the last. Isn't that ironic.

I was also thinking, maybe I've got the wrong idea about myself? Maybe I didn't always want to be a prostitute when I was a child. I went looking through my old stuff and child pictures. I don't know if I can believe under that appearance I was a little psycho. Isn't the lie something I tell myself so that I can believe I'm evil and crazy? I know that I did draw nude picture and like all kinds of raunchy things with my barbies around third grade and stuff but was I always like that? Even before third grade? I know for sure I've always been a hopeless romantic.

I bought an encyclopedia of Birthdays. Mine is exactly on the dot and it's useful for roleplays - for me. I have been using it for insight into my other relationships but a lot of them I don't think are correct. For instance, my brother and Andrea both have odd ones... they don't seem to fit. I tried to look more into Aries since Josh is one... I don't know how true he is to his sign but I am pretty close to my own sign. I won't look yours up and post it here, so don't ask. Poop to you! You'll have to visit if you wanna see it >P