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I am helping myself break.
I have been making it easier.
I have been taking advantage of the situation.
I'm kind of excited to see where it goes...

I don't want help,
but I wish I wasn't so alone.
I wish that I did have someone to talk to.

I am alone.

It's not that "oh I feel so alone"
I am really, truly alone.
I have roommates and I talk with them
but it never really fills me.
It's like, all this talking is just skirting around the issue.
I kinda hope in the back of my mind,
someone will notice.
someone will care.

I know that people care.
I know my best friends love me and want me here
but it is simply nice to hear it once and a while without
having to ask for it to be said.

It's that old high school feeling,
I tell people how special they are
and I try to make their lives worth more
but in return,
I neglect me own and punish myself.
I hurt people more severely
for the little things as well.
If they don't call if they break a promise if they pretend nothing is wrong if they give up or if they care too much and if they try to help me when I don't want help

I don't want help.
I just,
want someone to try
to make MY life worth living.
I want one of my closest friends
or brother or family,
to TRY to help me.

I want a reason to stay.
I don't want help.
I want a reason.

Right now,
I'm fine with just waiting.
I'm fine with biding my time
because I'm curious.
I'm curious to see how far I can go,
down the rabbit hole and into the darkness.
I want to see if all the old things happen again.
I want to see if they were all a lie.

If ... there really is magic.