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In the dream Michael and another guy were getting ready to take coke, only it was in condensed pill form like ecstasy. I was watching them take the drugs then they turned to me with two pills in hand. When I refused, Michael got hella pissed off. I've never seen him mad like that, but since the three of us have been hanging all week, I'm not surprised that I can imagine it. They shove the first pill into my mouth successfully but the second gets blocked by my teeth. I put up a fight but they grab the pill from the group, cuss and get even more pissed calling me a b***h and all sorts of things like cow ;A; and the pill goes in. I get really ******** up. I remember my heart racing out of control and body feeling strange like too much energy so I was shaking. They just laughed and towered over me. They acted like I was ungrateful and I think they abandoned me all messed up.

I woke up and felt like I was waking into a dream and that my dream was reality again. I hate that. I hate it so much. I hate it more because I couldn't share the dream with him so I couldn't be comforted. Last night was our second hook up and before this, I've only own Michael through volleyball. There was some good old fashioned sexual tension between us and I got skills in bed that he likes. I like that he treats me right and is something new for me. I generally disapprove of hook ups since the intimacy issue can either disconnect you from pleasure or get you too involved in the person. With Michael, we're just friends. We both know that.

I couldn't ask him to comfort me because he isn't my beau so there is no reason to help me deal. Right? It is gonna hurt how I see him because I need to get over it :c dream world is just so real to me. He has done drugs in the past but like, I have no reason to picture him in such a manner in my sub conscious. Unless, it is warning me about connecting with him too long? Bah. It's complicated.

Yeah this whole thing started because Jacob and Michael were going home Monday January 11th and they didn't know places to hangout around town. Apparently they haven't had anything to do while waiting for Monday, except volleyball. Lol. So I volunteered to plan events for the three of us to hang. First night was Tuesday where we went with the other vb peeps to sports page to get a drink after vb. Wednesday we went to the owl club but it was dead so we headed to a pool hall near leatherby's. Oh gods. We played a competitive game where loser bought everyone tequila shots. I lost all 4 rounds and after 2 ciders prior, I was getting drunk. Not sloppy drunk but drunk enough that I couldn't drive. Michael had given me a ride anyway from my house so they could all get me drunk and when we finally left the pool hall at 2 am, we kissed in the car.

I went home with him and had a great time. We slept 3 hours. No joke. I had work the next day at 12 am. We had sex twice at night and another in the morning. Yup. Thursday I was exhausted but after work I went to volleyball and we all headed home early instead of doing more that night. Friday morn I worked at 7:30 so I'm pretty happy we didn't do much thrusday night, lol. Friday we want to a Thai restaurant of my choice and then to Glass Turtle because I wanted karaoke. We basically just hung out the whole time till 1 am. Time flew by. I had a cider then we all had AMF's which stand for adios ********. They get you really drunk fast and I drank mine pretty fast, with the encouragement of the two bad boys. I was totally drunk at that point. I did sing before that: backstreet boy's "everybody." They did some Yeager bombs I think but I got to stick to one more cider. They did one more shot of the same but neither were as ******** up as me by the end. I felt really good but that's being drunk for you.

I'm not hungover this morning but I am starving and my stomach is gurgly like it doesn't like all the alcohol I've been pumping into it. I was hungover the morning after the tequila, lol. I'm having a lot of fun and it makes me feel normal. Today is Saturday and since they have plans, we meet Sunday. We will see hateful 8 i. Theaters then to cards against humanity tourney at porters. After all that we can get sushi together just a short walk away. I'm really good at planning stuff c: I'm just kinda a kid about my interests and I get frustrated if I always plan stuff. I like planning for these two cause I feel like it redeems me for never meeting up with them prior to this. Jacob has asked me to come visit him in sf (there is no sexual stuff there, for either of us) but I was dealing with a lot of the stability issues after my suicide stuff. After that I wasn't allowed to really travel alone and there were too many questionable a to spend a night at his place :c I always felt bad about that cause I like chatting with him. He is 2 years younger than me, I think, but he is waaaaaay better than me in volleyball cause he hits so hard and fast. Michael used to be even better than Jacob but there were a ton Of surgeries he went through. I miss his old face before the jaw surgery. Michael can't jump like he used to due to a knee injury and he lost a lot of muscle strength and coordination from recovering so long. Michael is still better than me by far but he isn't the killer on the court that he used to be. Jacob and Michael are pretty closely matched these days.

Volleyball is wonderful.