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I start college next week. Just typing that sentence makes me want to throw up. I’m starting to freak out a little. You have no idea how much I’m dreading starting. Even though this summer has been super shitty, it still flew by. All the optimism I had about college is pretty much gone. At the beginning of the summer, I had all these hopes that I would meet some friends, meet a guy, and join a club. Now I’m thinking “Who am I kidding?!” I’m way too shy to initiate conversation with someone, or even if I did make small talk, it’s not like it would be meaningful in any way so that the other person would even care about speaking to me again. I already know I’m not talking to any cute guys I find because that’s not going to get me anywhere anyways. They’ll just think I’m gross, or even if they don’t think I’m totally gross, they won’t find me interesting. I’m sure I won’t even get the chance to talk to anyone for any reason anyways. It’s not like I can chat it up with someone during class, and I won’t be living on campus. I was hoping I’d meet people when I joined a club, but I don’t really see that happening anymore. The main reason being I probably won’t have time to be in a club, but also because I can’t see myself purposefully being a part of something that social. As much as I want to meet people, it would still be painful for me to be around a large group of people. Another thing that’s affecting my confidence big time right now is my face. It’s absolutely horrible! I’ve been battling constant cold sore outbreaks almost all of my senior year, and I’m still having outbreaks. Not only do I have them on my chin, but as of yesterday I have one by my lip too, which I guess is worse because it’s more noticeable. Not only do I have cold sores, but I have tons of zits. Well, I actually only have about four zits at this very moment, but I have tons of red spots on my face left over from zits that I’ve been battling this whole summer. Not that there’s a good place to get zits, but all the red spots are right between my eyebrows, so that probably makes them more noticeable. I hope my face makes a dramatic clear up this week that way I don’t have to start my first day of college ever with tons of zits on my face. At least if all the actual raised zits are gone, foundation can lighten up the red spots, but foundation can only do so much I suppose. With my red blotches and cold sores, I’m going to look like I have the bubonic plague. I had a personalized tour of my classes last week, but I still feel lost. All the buildings are so big, and all the hallways look the same. Even though I had the tour, I still don’t really feel like I’m any better off. I’m going to be lucky if I don’t throw up from nervousness the first week. I still feel like I don’t really know what to expect about anything. I feel like I’m on the shore watching a tsunami of sorrow coming at me, and there’s nothing I can do to get out of the way.

Another sad development that’s happened is that my friend Edwin’s mother died on Saturday. She had been battling brain cancer for a little over a year. It’s absolutely terrible. I feel so bad for him. I plan on going to the funeral tomorrow. I guess I’m not the only one who has been s**t on this summer.

Well, this is probably the last journal entry I’ll make for a long while. This was just kind of a wrap up for the summer and to express my nerves about next week. I don’t plan on writing any more before college starts, unless there’s some kind of big development this week. With college, I’m sure I’ll barely have time to sleep, let alone make journal entries. I’m sure I’ll have frustrations I want to write about, but they’ll have to wait till the end of the semester, I guess. I hope there’s nothing too awful to write about, because I doubt there’ll be anything encouraging to write about. Well, until next time, assuming I make it through this semester alive and sane, that is.