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I don't update this stuff too often, most of the time I feel as if I have to be alone in my times of peril, as if I don't want to let anyone in. I don't want to know people have suffered the same way I have suffered, because it only makes me feel worse to know that other people are going through such pain, normal or not it only makes me feel as if the world is much more cruel than we realize.
Lately life has been no more than a dream to me, I don't see anything clearly anymore. To give an example just taking a walk around my area it feels just another trick of the mind. The only reason I know this is real, is because I will come back and see it again. I will go to sleep and wake up again in the same room, with the same layout I left it when I got ready to sleep.
I am always light headed, in constant muscle ache, along with a headache (Those three mixed just sucks not to mention more to be added)
Depression is always lingering inside of my mind, just waiting to be unleashed and drag me back into the depths of darkness.
Everything feels heavy lately, like weights are wrapped around my limbs and are trying to pull me to the ground.
I am also having problems breathing. I can literally see my heart beating against my chest, pushing out my breast bone (Common name, can't remember the real name.) and letting it fall back into place, only to do it again.
Along with stuff like coughing up blood and contant fatigue...
I feel as if I am falling again, numb to every emotion but annoyance, anger, worry, and to only one...Love... but even now that seems painful..... Only because I feel useless, because my words only make things worse...
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If I could make it all end, would I?
Could I actually pull the trigger? Or kick that chair beneath my feet?
All the ways it could be done, quick and painless or not.... It is just mentally torturing me, because even if I do set it up....... I will only stop to think of those who I care for, whether they care for me or not... T.T If only I knew for sure.... What could be done.
No doubt I will come back in a year or two and look at this.... and think to myself "How could I ever think that, what kind of stresses could really create such and image in my mind...." And then it will all flood over me again...... To torture me all over again.....
 Desilude · Sat Feb 05, 2011 @ 10:19pm · 0 Comments |
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