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okay, i'm so twisted up with different feelings and its not good for me i don't feel very good, i'm feeling like my life is taking more out of me latley so i am putting everything in my thoughts right here, right now.

i decided i was over ryan cuz i wasn't feeling anymore lusting feelings for him and i figured that meant i wasn't really right for him like i thought i was, and i don't believe we'd be good together but libby just broke up with her fiance and texted me and asked if i'd be cool if she and ryan dated cuz hes grown on her. well he's madly madly in love with her and has been since i met him, so it was always an akward situattion, cuz i liked him, he liked her, he didn't give me the time of day and i was trying to just be friends but he wasn't trying with her at all, he just got all pissy and depressed when she was talking on the phone to her fiance and it bugged me, well i know that the two of them would be great together cuz he'll treat her right but they fight all the ******** time so i'm worried, and i want them both to be happy but its still ******** hard to accept he, nor anybody is interested in me and its just eating away at me everyday of my life, i want a bf but more than that i want someone who wants me there, and libby is a fantastic friend at most times and i'd be thrilled to go to her wedding whoever it may be that shes marrying, but its just hard to explain how i feel about her dating a guy that i thought was perfect and could have been the one for me, i keep trying to say i feel fine but i get a nasty feeling in my stomach and throat every time i think about it and i'm trying to be stubborn and say i am okay with everything but i'm hesitating the entire time, its just really ******** hard to deal with and everything else thats been going on just isn't helping, my dad tried to get rid of my cat and i was pissed and depressed for weeks until i found out we're keeping her, and my mom now has breast cancer and shes constantly giving me crap about how bad a daughter i am, i don't clean up after myself, i didn't visit her in the hospital when she was suicidal, i don't do anything around the house, i can't take anymore! i'm just so stressed and i went to the hospital like, a week or so ago for blacking out at work and shaking violently and its just nothing is helping me, i'm so depressed and angry and stressed i just need someone that can help me, i need a therapist or a counsler and i need someone to tell me its all okay, i need something, i'm always alone and when i'm not i'm putting on a fake smile and having a good time but the second i'm alone i break down, i haven't been able to cry for a long long time and i wish i just could, but its just ******** hard i don't know whats going on anymore, everything is getting out of control and full of chaos and i'm only one person, i can't take it all, and yeah sure i've thought about suicide but i'm so messed up i can't bring myself to do it cuz i worry about what would happen and cutting is for people who want attention and sure i want the attention that a bf would give a gf but i don't want the attention of friends and family getting on me about how stupid i am, and it just all ******** messed up i can't deal with this, i need a pill or something but to do that i'd have to confess that theres something wrong to my mom and she doesn't need that, i don't need that, i don't need my family in my buisness, i want my friends to think i'm okay and i want my family to accept me for who i am, but i just..i'm having such a hard time, i hoped that venting here would help but it really doesn't, and i'm writing a book that is giving alot of insight to how i feel and who i am but i can't bring myself to write any more than a couple sentecnes, i don't feel healthy, i keep asking myself questions and i'm just wondering if it'd be the right decison to dissapear for awhile, just go be by myself and figure things out, but i'd miss my friends and it'd just be so selfish of me and i'm the type of person to make others happy at my own discomfort and i don't know if i should live like that anymore, i just can't bring myself to do anything for me besides buy the things i want which just adds stress to my financial situation and i just don't want to deal with anything anymore, i don't want to start over but i don't want to be here anymore, i just don't know what to do, what to say what to think, i'm so messed up drepressed stressed and confused, its so sickening, i don't know if i'll get better and i just don't know anything, i'm completly hopeless and stupid i just...can't