Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

8/7 Listen?

Because it didn't teach us anything. That's why we kept coming back and accepting each other. Only I care the most about you, love you truly, deeply and loudly as possible, and I'm the lonely one. But there'll always be someone better for you. When that comes, I may have left your mind. We might've forgotten who we both are to each other. I was planning to get to know each other more when we got together but that didn't happen.. My arms are always open but it aches everytime you leave. I gotta stop putting my heart on my sleeves.

I dont think you'll know how much it'll hurt me to build up the courage and let you go. How much I wont be able to actually touch your cheeks, hold you to sleep, feel your kiss, be the one for you, protect you or feel your love for the last time. I guess you wont be able to feel my love when it's at 100%. That night where we talked about your exes and how it made me feel, I thought our love would escalate much more. I failed to love you with my all again, that's probably why you decided to let me go. You ever felt what it's like to not have that special someone for the rest of your life? I see you better off with a white dude but I hope whoever you choose will live up to your expectations.

Ever since you came back in my life, I've been trying to stay aware of your next move. I tried not to get fooled again but I was distracted by your love. I swear that if you gave me your love from the beginning, I wouldn't be this miserable and pick fights with you everytime. It's like they all treated you wrong... and I thought you've learned from that. I thought you could cherish us. Your love changed, your love harmed me. I don't deserve this..., loving you endlessly as you ignore me more. I'm not afraid of losing you but the love, time and moments I gave in that'll soon disappear from your memory. There isn't much to think about anyways. I couldn't even handle your tough love, I'm such a weakling. I never felt so angered and sad for hours at anyone before.

Even given the next life, I don't think I can apologize to you or forgive myself enough for having doubt against you. I always take the little things you do like your freedom and use it against you. I wonder things in my head and force myself to believe it or when a strong feeling runs deep through my skin. Your calm sorrow words after every one of my unloving vocabulary. I can feel it even if it's not said. It made you feel sad and I made you feel guilty. I only know mercy when you're in pain. I owe you my soul even in the afterlife, my dear. You should've slapped me sometimes. I am sorry that it took me awhile to overcome my anger/patience, because I didn't want to fall like I did in the past and yet I did.

I lie in bed every night waiting for you so we can talk.. But even waiting all morning, afternoon and the entire weekday you're still busy. My heart is too greedy, getting to talk with you for just a minute or seeing that you replied everyday should've just been good enough. Damn my heart. All these talking of "If you loved me, you wouldn't..." Now, if YOU loved me, you wouldn't just watch me suffer everytime while you're speechless. Even the simplest task of wanting to talk with you before you sleep, you never really took the time to spend it with me. Out of many nights together, I was only happy 3 times even tho one of them, you were focused on something else. So go ahead and put everything before me. I'll start to give you your space on nights you would rather do things than conversate. Everyday I felt like I was trapped and I could only see you when I was let out. Of course for your happiness, I'd suffer through every pain. You told me to speak my mind but it always lead to arguing. I love you the most and even if I kept breaking down a lot, I was the most patient having to go through things from you. Maybe through losing me, you'll learn to love me but I doubt it. You wanted me but I failed to see your love. So this time I'm making you suffer but then I also doubt that. That's not the mindset of someone who likes to see me suffer. But I'll end what you started. You didn't win, I did. Would it kill you to pretend just for a day so I can be happy? It get's so lonely always having no one to talk with but you can hit up anyone and they'll talk with you. I don't want anything else anymore. I quit on love, I refuse to break anymore of my heart strings. Even if I meet the one later, I always hurt the ones that loves me than the ones I love most.

I always think about the future, of who you'll end up with. I know I can't have you anymore. I'm thankful for the time you gave me, the time I got a chance to be yours and seeing you notice and love me for a split second, even if it was long distance. The only thing I ever craved for. I dont care with what will happen to me, but I hope you meet someone who'll make you see love in a whole different perspective and not have you suffer the same pain in different perspectives. I ran out of time... cherishing old memories, loving, worrying too much, and being angry at you. It could take me until the next life just to finally be patient enough for you. Even though I was hurt through it all, I would really die for you. Even if you resent me. I really do hope he loves you enough to where you wont have the heart to hurt anyone anymore. Thank you for allowing me to love you with the last of me and trusting me.

But I'm grateful for your return, for trying to fix us again. I believe with what had happened up until now, your heart won't return and that's..... fine by me. I wish you well.. I just wish things were different in this life, so you wouldn't be so far. I've learned to be patient through (almost) losing you while my heart is still aching silently for you. The loudest silence of a crying heart. At first I started to dislike your friends because you adopted their language. I ignored it a bit and told myself that in time my love will change you. I'm satisfied that it did, but I'm beating myself because it went overboard.

Thanks for the last moments together while it was still good. Idk what I'll overcome and develop but don't put yourself down all the time. Worry about you, your health and your future Sab. I always live through. I hope you love your future bf/husband enough so you wouldn't have to go through such pain. I've suffered enough. I have nothing to give you but forgiveness and wishing you well in life. Dont be stubborn like always. Other people wont like it. Idk how I even bared through it also. Congrats on making it through another year. Even though you're a sadist, I'm the most loneliest, I have no one. That's why... I'm always wanting to spend every moment with you, even if it comes off as annoying. I guess I am afraid of losing you. I'm not ready to let go of everything so easily, especially having to reopen my feelings I still have for you.

" Sometimes, two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together " it only made me more distant by heart. I tried that on the night you made me really upset when you told me to go "cool off your head". My love was an open flame, you kept blowing it out, it always came back half its size and when there is no more room to burn, it died. And it still tried to burn. I'm angered at you, I want to hurt you like you did to me. I want to use the last of my breath to yell but I have no more energy, I can't even cry anymore. I wished you could've felt the same love that I held onto. Of what's it like about to lose you and being pushed away. If I lose you now, there's nothing I'm afraid of. I won't understand a woman's thinking. If you are to find happiness again, don't hold onto your thoughts all the time, that's how we burned out. I feel myself changing into a different person but still with a sensitive soul. Everything is so wrong that it hurts, I just want to die by my own pain. You defend yourself but you meant so much to me that I can't just blame everything on you. I refuse to hurt you when it was my fault. My heart is still too damn sensitive. Hurts so emotionally and painfully, just the right amount. These last days for me were awful, area around my heart was aching and I've been having such nightmares. I know I'm not the best writer or good with my grammar but I wanted to give you a last minute saying. Everything was always unfair.. Well I guess this is goodbye to our love. There's really no good in it. Bye Sab.


Let's.... never come back, or I'll seriously become mental. The things I went through, I just wished you had an ounce to tell me your true feelings. Now I hardly remember us.

... Farewell, my almost lover. My anxiety will always have the best of me.



You didn't... choose me...... again.






' I am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me '